birthday ups and downs

So, today is my birthday and this morning I was all ready to write a grumpy post about how sucky it was, but then I got some more sleep and my labmates got me an amazing chocolate-raspberry ice cream cake and my brother called so I feel better now. My housemates are planning something for tonight too, even though I was ready to ignore the whole day.
What was I grumpy about? Well, yesterday I didn't really have anything to do and ended up thinking gloomy thoughts about how I'm 25 and have never been in a real relationship and have no idea how it is that people manage to meet and date people etc etc. Then my parents called (individually) and I never have very much to say so I feel bad about that and wish they had some idea of what kind of person I am. Plus, I didn't like the present my mum got me so I felt guilty about being ungrateful... My dad spoke to me (first contact in 3 months) for about 5 minutes and part of that was to ask what I wanted for my birthday.
I kind of wanted to blog about this as it happened, but I also had voices in my head telling me not to bother and why was I even writing this? Especially as I appear to be writing as if there were an audience and who would ever read this?
This morning I woke up at 4.30 and couldn't get back to sleep. I often feel absolutely desolate at night, but usually I wake up feeling as if I've been reset; not this morning, though. I ended up getting ice cream at 5.30am and opening the rest of my presents from friends at home. I didn't like one (from a semi-friend who thinks we're a lot closer than I'd like to be so I always have plenty to feel guilty about there) but the one from my best friends I really loved so that helped. I finally switched off my alarm at 6.30 thinking I'd get up, but then next thing I knew it was 9am... I made it to work at 10.30 and then spent the next half hour on the phone to my brother so it hasn't been the most productive of days. It's the first time I haven't had a public holiday for my birthday though, so I figure I can ease into it a little bit.
My brother recently did a cultish personal development course and he's gotten really involved in the organisation. I never realised he had problems with anxiety and worrying about what people think of him - I thought I was a freak in the family - but he was talking about how this course has helped him realise that the things he was worried about were just stories he'd made up. It sounds like something that would be helpful and he's tried to convince me to go to one before. I don't think I'd be able to say anything at all though, which would pretty much defeat the purpose. It's something to think about at least.
My housemate just called with final plans for going out to dinner tonight so I'm going to think only of happy stuff for the rest of the day, or try at least :)