Everybody look at meeee!

I've been thinking a lot about audience over the last week - why do people write blogs and autobiographies? In particular why do people invite others to share in the depths of their disorders and neuroses, as I am doing? I read Judith Moore's autobiography "Fat Girl" last weekend (yes, I have weight issues along with the rest) and I was struck by its lack of purpose. Moore specifically states at the beginning of the book that this is not one of those "I figured out all my issues and here's how I became thin and happy" books. Instead, it's a simple description of her dysfunctional family and her eating habits. Is this kind of writing a cry for help? Is her life just fodder for her desire to write? I'm not sure I get why she wanted to expose herself like that. Maybe I just don't understand because it's so different to my usual efforts to not let the outside world know a thing about me. I have a constant urge to hide myself at all costs. Whatever I'm doing, I find myself making up excuses and thinking through the most plausible reasons to explain whatever I'm doing, because I don't think my real reasons are good enough, if anyone were to ask (because of course I need a good reason for wearing my hair up or down, or having toast instead of cereal for breakfast...). All these efforts, though, are really attempts to hide my true attention-seeking self. I'm desperate for attention, for people to notice me and be interested in me, but somehow that's so wrong to want that I can never let anyone find out. Nobody I know in real life would ever describe me as an attention seeker, but I still let that desire out, albeit obliquely by dropping obscure facts into conversation while acting as if it's something I'm not impressed with myself for knowing. There's only really one person I actively dislike and it's because he has the exact same attention seeking quality but he makes no attempt to hide it. He's been known to walk into a room specifically to announce that his knowledge of X is astounding, someone asked all these different people and couldn't find an answer, but he knew it right away. He's constantly lecturing and I find it infuriating, but at the same time I want to interrupt and say what I know, but then I don't really feel like I know much at all and I don't want other people to dislike me, too. I feel somewhat bad too because most people find him incredibly irritating, but I know a part of me would love to act the same way so should I really be complaining? Hmm, didn't mean to make this a rant about him...
This blog is a departure from my normal behaviour. I had a blog once before, but it had a built in audience of people I knew from an online community so I didn't feel comfortable writing about anything really personal there, and again felt I shouldn't try to attract attention by writing anything. This time I'm trying to be more anonymous, so I feel more free with what I write, but I'm not sure what my purpose is. I want people to read it, but I don't feel like I can write anything that would be worth anyone's while to read. I had lofty thoughts of writing essays on ideas I wanted to think more about, but I don't have the discipline or time to put that much thought into this. So who is my audience meant to be? Am I just putting my train wreck of a life up here to attract the voyeurs? Maybe actually writing some of this stuff down will help me deal with my issues. Maybe I just want some attention.
I read stories of people who've overcome their dysfunctions to become happier people because it's comforting to discover I'm not the only freak and maybe there is some hope that things will change for me too. Maybe that's what I want out of writing this: for someone to read it and validate my experiences. I should really be talking to a real, live person, though. I've been constructing elaborate conversations with therapists in my head since I was about 12 but it's much harder to be articulate, or even audible, when I'm actually in someone's office.
I guess this is, in part, an apology to anyone who ends up here reading this - I feel like I'm wasting your time by "forcing" you to read this, even though I know I'm not forcing anyone and in any case, such apologies are probably more annoying an attention-seeking behaviour than just acting as if I deserve attention (which is another way I get around trying to repress my desire for attention) - it all adds more layers of guilt.