what now?

It hasn't taken me too long to slow down on writing in here. I'm somewhat uncomfortable with the incredibly needy tone this has taken and I've been a little paranoid about my anonymity. I started this blog thinking writing about things I'm not able to talk about might help me deal with them and figure out how to relate to people more normally. Instead I've just added a new sphere of interactions to be incompetent in. I'm going to persevere, though. Maybe it will be easier to make constructive mistakes here, at least. I'm feeling a lot less depressed at the moment, which might help, but that fluctuates a lot.
I saw my psych-person this week and yet again said little more than my numerical ratings for how I've been feeling. Apparently this problem is called "selective mutism", which is kind of funny because I used to wish I could be an elective mute. I'd think longlingly of just never talking because I imagined that complete silence would be more easily accepted than my inadequate attmepts to be normal. My fantasies didn't last long though before I realised it would also create a lot more attention and adult intervention so I never did more than take vows of silence with a friend, during which we would write constant notes in class.
Anyway, my usual psych-person has realised the medication isn't really doing much so now I have to see someone else who'll actually try to make me talk. I'm trying to avoid thinking about that for now...
I haven't been very good at keeping in touch with people lately, except for my mum, who will worry if I don't call every week. My brother called this week, though, and I was on the phone with him for hours, which is very unusual (of course, I wasn't the one saying much). He did a vaguely cultish personal development course last year and ever since he's been trying to convince the rest of the family to do it too. He hadn't tried too hard to convince me, but my mum had signed up. She pulled out, however, because they don't recommend you do it if you're on anti-depressants or dealing with other problems (according to my brother this recommendation is just to weed out people who aren't going to take responsibility for their reactions and will try to blame the program if it makes them feel worse).
According to Mum, my brother has become very judgemental and refuses to tolerate any demonstration of emotions because they're just artefacts of the stories you create to justify why things aren't your fault (or something like that). In any case, I was wary when my brother started talking about it, but he sounds like he really wants our family to be able to relate to each other and really be a family and he believes this course will help. I'm not entirely convinced that it will work as well for me (I have much greater confidence in my ability to sabotage such things) but it can't hurt so I'm willing to try it for his sake. I was a little put off by his hard sell tactics (wanting to sign me up on the website right then and there) but I'm not sure if the urge to stubbornly refuse to give in to what he wants is just a relic of constant childhood coersion. We talked a bit about that, though and he apologised for torturing me so much, which was nice to hear.
Anyway, I agreed to do the course. The next night I spoke to Mum and felt like I'd disappointed her by agreeing to do it, since she didn't want to. It always seems surprising how much I'm influenced by other people's opinions. I thought I'd had good reasons to do it, but when it came to justifying it to someone who didn't agree, I couldn't seem to think of any. Well, none I could say to her.
I've always felt very protective of my mother, but it is mainly because she always presents herself as a victim. She would confide in me about her problems with my Dad and my brother and her childhood etc. I seem to remember her telling me when I was 10 and they first separated that my father had had an affair, but then it seems inconceivable that someone would talk about that with their 10 year old daughter so I don't know if I trust my own memory... It made me feel special to be in on her private thoughts; it felt like we were a team. That made it impossible to tell her about my own problems, though, because I know she'd blame herself for all my insecurities (I did try telling her about my social phobia once and I couldn't convince her it was actually a problem she just said "everyone feels shy sometimes, you're fine, I've seen you with your friends").
Anyway, her identification as a victim is one of the biggest reasons my brother wants her to do this course and I agree she needs to recognise that she has some control over her own situation, but she does have real problems (health-wise and financially) and I don't think she would cope with the tough attitude of this course. I felt like I was abandoning her and going over to the enemy side by agreeing to do it. I realise just sympathising and agreeing with her all the time isn't healthy and I'm just enabling her to continue to see herself as a victim, but I do it because I don't want to hurt her and I don't know how to do anything else without it being taken as further evidence of everyone being against her.