friend or acquaintance?
I've been thinking about this post for a while now, but one of the people from my old IRC haunt has a definition of friend on their blog that is surprisingly similar to mine, and I've been wondering if it's shared by non-social phobics. Here's the definition :
a friend is someone you come into contact with semi regularly on a one-on-one (or at least non-group) basis with whom you can actually speak truthfully, and who is comfortable speaking truthfully to you as well.*
With that in mind, I'd define acquaintance as someone you come into contact with semi-regularly on a group and/or one-on-one basis with whom you can have a conversation, but do not feel comfortable speaking truthfully.
Based on these definitions I have zero friends. I do have a lot of acquaintances, though. As an undergrad I had many more, which led people to believe that I had many friends - it was just some other group that I hung out with/talked to more.
My mum seems to think I have more friends and my definition is just wrong. Should I relax my standards and accept that friends are just people I can have a conversation with?
I do call those who fit the acquaintance definition friends, I just always feel faintly fraudulent when doing so. I don't want to cause offence by either claiming friendship where it doesn't exist or denying it where it does, but I don't know what other people use as a definition.
In any case I would like to have some friends with whom I could talk honestly, but I don't know how to make the transition from acquaintance to friend.
*(I'm afraid I'm being a bad blogger, but I don't want any links to connect this internet incarnation of myself with the former. I was going to leave it google-able, but the grammar needed correcting, sorry.)
posted by Lucy @ 11:56 PM
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3 Comments:
I think that's a pretty reasonable definition of friendship - it makes a lot of sense to me.
I think the only way to make that transition is to take the risk to speak honestly to someone, and to see what happens. Unfortunately it means taking the risk that they won't be a friend - won't talk honestly in return, or won't understand what you say.
I'm not very good at it myself, but I don't know any other way to do it.
I think it's a good definition within its limits.
I've always had a tendency to idealize friendship, and then castigate myself for not being a good enough person to have those ideal sorts of friends. You know, the ones that you're supposed to be able to call in the middle of the night and tell anything to. When I was able to start questioning my own unrealistic expectations, I was able to enjoy myself more with the acquaintance-definition friends.
That said, I do think that it's hard not to be lonely if you don't have one person in your life that is there for you when you need them, and will listen to the truth you have to say. But it only takes one of those people to lift the loneliness.
Thanks for your feedback. Phantom, I know I do the same idealising thing and I'm trying not to diminish the friendships I do have.
New Kid, I guess I knew that, really, but I'm much too scared to actually do it... I think I was hoping there was an easier way :) I still feel like I can't read the cues as to when it might be appropriate to do so. Maybe I should stop worrying about that, too...
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