a glimmer of light

since I got home from the landmark thing last night, I think I've left my room once. I even have my light off so nobody can tell I'm home. You might think this means I'm more depressed than ever, but maybe not.
After I'd written the last post, my mum called. I was tempted not to answer the phone, but I did. When she asked what I'd been doing this week, I was tempted to just say the usual "not much", but I figured my brothers would tell her I'd been at landmark and she'd find out I'd lied so I told her. When she asked how it was, I started to say something non-commital, especially when I realised she had no idea what day it was here and it could conceivably have been over, but I ended up telling her what happened.
I told her the things I remember that I interpreted as meaning I was invisible or didn't matter or if I told her anything I was going through she wouldn't be able to cope. It was reassuring to hear that she did notice the problems I remembered even though she never acknowledged them because she thought focussing on the positive things would help.
She remembered things I didn't, too, like when I was upset at age 4 and wouldn't tell her what was wrong, she made me stay in my room until I told her because she was worried it was something she needed to know. Apparently I just stayed there and missed meals and still wouldn't tell so she never tried to make me tell her things after that. I don't remember what happened that I wouldn't say, but obviously this started pretty early.
She talked a lot more than me, but she apologised and explained that she has feels she needs to fill the silence and when I don't answer immediately she thinks she shouldn't have asked, which I knew, I guess.
It was good to talk to her, but I don't feel any great sense of release and I'm still too petrified of seeing anyone else and having to explain where I was all weekend etc. I haven't talked to my landmark-obsessed brother yet, either and when I briefly said hello to my little brother, who my mum had told about how I was feeling, I ended up in tears again because I realised I've been feeling like I needed to be perfectly normal as a role model for him and to protect him from having to deal with yet another disturbed family member. It's always been blatantly obvious that that I'm not normal, but I didn't want to admit it and I feel like I've let him down.
So while I haven't had a breakthough(tm) this weekend, I guess I have made the smallest of baby steps towards being free.