IRCA

I'm not sure what I want to be doing tonight. I've already finished a book, played some piano (and cringed at how much worse I sound after not playing in a week), read two graphic novels, started another book, read blogs and even logged on to the IRC network I used to frequent (although, I haven't actually joined the channel I used to hang out in). I've been in my room all evening while housemates were around, but now that they've gone out or to bed I feel like some interaction.
I used to satisfy that with IRC, but I haven't been there in so long that I know I won't fit in there either anymore. I used to have friends and I was even well-known, but now all the cool people have moved on so there won't be anyone there I'd actually enjoy talking to, plus all the new people will think I'm the newbie. I also don't really want to have the awkward long-time-no-see conversations with people who do remember me.
When I really belonged to that community, it was so nice; I'd never felt like I was really part of a group before. I still had plenty of anxiety about interactions, but since that anxiety was what brought us all there, I could be more honest about it. Actually, I think what also helped was seeing that I wasn't the most extreme case by a long way. For a while there I was even starting to feel like some confidence was transferring over to real life.
It wasn't an entirely good thing, of course. I was completely addicted for a semester - I'd spend all my breaks between classes online and log on as soon as I got home. I'd be up until the early hours of the morning every day and spend all the time I wasn't online trying to stay awake and quite often failing to do so during classes. I consistently fell into deep sleep on the bus and was often awakened by the bus driver at the end of the line (luckily I was usually intending to go that far). The moments during the day when I could put my head down and close my eyes were pure bliss, although going to bed didn't produce the same feelings - I'd just end up shivering from sleep-deprivation-induced cold and thinking in touch typing, willing my brain to shut down and take advantage of the too-few hours before the alarm went off again. This period of sleep deprivation taught me how to hit snooze every few minutes for hours on end without ever surfacing into consciousness, a skill I've unfortunately retained even with a more normal sleep schedule.
At the time, I knew I should have been doing other things, but really, I probably did almost as much study/work/socialising as any other semester, I just cut back on reading, sleeping and wallowing in self-pity. I'd aim to go to bed earlier, but once I got sucked into conversation I wouldn't want to leave because I was finally experiencing what I'd been feeling excluded from for so long and I didn't want to miss any more of it. Besides, if I left the room, they'd forget I existed and/or this new sociable me would cease to exist.
By the time I got over the inital excitement of being able to participate, some of my favourite people had stopped coming and I realised I still had little to say to the vast majority. Plus I got tired of the endless word association games (I'm still too paranoid and analytical to do word association) and the need of some people for constant sympathy and reassurances. In real life, as well as there, I'm always the "nice" one who is sympathetic and understanding and never gets cross (my housemates say I could well hate all of them and they'd never find out (although I think the one I don't like can tell)), but it was getting harder not to just snap "stop whingeing and do something about it!" at people. I also ended up letting peer pressure and passive aggression prevent me from sticking up for a(n admittedly psychotic) former friend.
There were more reasons than that, but eventually I was completely disillusioned with IRC and my ability to relate to people so I stopped hanging out there. After that first semester I managed to restrict my time online so that I wasn't so sleep deprived, but it was still years before I completely broke away.
I realise it was by nature a rather warped microcosm of society, but after similar failures to fit in with real life social groups, I pretty much gave up on ever finding a community to belong to. Having lived that virtual life makes me feel even more abnormal IRL, especially when people mock online dating/forums/games (one of my lab mates recently gave up World of Warcraft and she's gotten a lot of crap for talking about it).
The retreat I went to last week was my third in this department and I still have never lasted through a full evening's social activities. I was determined to do it this year, but after sitting by myself while others danced (I know how hideously awkward and self-conscious I look when trying to dance so I refused) I gave up and went to bed half an hour before the after party started. I was trying to convince myself that I didn't have to enjoy getting drunk and dancing to bad music while being unable to hear anything anyone said and it was okay to go to bed instead, but I kept wondering if I would enjoy it if I could just relax and stop being so self-conscious and maybe I was just convincing myself I didn't like it to avoid having to get over my anxiety about it.
I had a much better second night, though. I was going to go to bed rather than watch Napoleon Dynamite (which many students were rabid fans of, but which I didn't find funny at all) but instead I joined my PI and fellow labmates and ended up staying up until 2am talking about academia and differences between the US and elsewhere.
Even though I enjoyed the conversation (apart from one labmate's long-windedness being somewhat exacerbated by alcohol), I still feel like it doesn't really count as an indication that I can participate in a group, since it pretty much depended on my non-resident alien status as an easy conversational device that only works in this country. When I lived in the dorms here, I'd sometimes end up staying up late listening to interesting conversations, but they usually already involved the other Commonwealthlander so I had nothing unique to add. Also, my lab rocks, but these conversations don't translate into actual friendship and I never meet any new people to talk with like this. Plus, I can't initiate any interesting conversation.
It'd be nice to be able to enjoy the whole range of group activities or be able to shift the focus to something I'm interested in, but instead I just end up feeling freakish and lonely.
I wonder how much of my social anxiety comes from not liking the same things as everyone else, actually. If I found a group of people who didn't like noisy bars and dancing and wanted to sit around talking or playing board games and go see the movies and bands I like, would I feel any more comfortable, or just like even more of a freak for still not fitting in? How would I even find such a group? Certainly not by sitting in my room all night, I know.
On second thoughts, I think I already know that's not enough. After 4.5 years of being a silent hanger-on to one group in high school, I did manage to join another group who I felt more at home with, then at uni I knew a lot of different people, many of whom fit at least some of those criteria, but I still always felt like they were the "real" group and I was just intruding.
Probably that feeling prevented me from joining in any more than I did. I wish I hadn't wasted some of those opportunities. I'm not sure what to do differently, though.