my own personal wednesday whine fest
I already whined over at Phantom's today, but I'm still feeling incredibly whiny so I'll restrict the remainder to my own site. I don't know what's wrong with me lately. I was fine for a while, but now I seem to be back to just being miserable all the time. I'm not doing anything at work. Literally. All I've been doing is reading blogs. I'm not even sure what I should be doing. I have no idea what everyone else thinks I'm doing. I keep getting here really late, too. I'm blaming that on the weather turning into autumn way too fast (which according to my own personal weather chart is closer to winter) and constantly reminding me of the months of cold, grey winter ahead. I'm subsisting on a high-fat, high-sugar comfort food diet because it's too much effort to cook real food and if I buy vegetables they'll just go bad before I get around to cooking. I haven't done my house chores since I got back (and I hadn't done them in a long, long time before that either) so I keep expecting my housemates to gang up and yell at me (why aren't they yelling at me? I really don't get that). I never talk to anyone either. We have a new housemate who I've said maybe 3 sentences to. I never go to any of the parties etc that housemates go to, even when specifically invited. I almost didn't bother asking anyone along to Mirrormask or any of the other things I want to go to, but I did in an attempt to not seem completely anti-social and all I got for my trouble was them thinking I'm weird because they'd never heard of what I wanted to see. I went and invited another friend over for dinner this week, too, so now I have to find something I can make that will taste okay and be presentable enough to serve to someone other than myself. I should probably include my housemate who is constantly inviting me when he has dinner parties, but I'll be too embarrassed because I won't be able to cook anything good. We're also supposed to go bike riding somewhere with pretty fall colours on the weekend and I'm already sure I won't be able to keep up because I'm so unfit, plus I'll be terrified of the cars again so I don't want to go, but I still want to see the pretty fall colours...
I actually have a specific thing to do in lab today, but it relies on someone else and it's already 4.10pm and I haven't seen him today so I don't know if he's going to still want to do it now (I don't; I want to go home). I haven't seen him because nobody told me they were going to lunch today so I sat here reading blogs until I realised the lab was empty, then sat here some more because I didn't want to have to go looking for them and get there when everyone else was already finishing and I always hate arriving when a group has already started something (yes, I know it's irrational; so is everything else I do), plus I really don't feel like being sociable.
I was going to leave soon to go to a seminar and maybe see some people from my class, but that will require socialising too.
I know I probably would feel better if I did something other than sit here sulking and I'm only making my self miserable by whining, but I have no motivation and wallowing is somehow rewarding in a self-destructive way.
posted by Lucy @ 3:51 PM
6
comments
6 Comments:
Are you still doing the counselling? If so, has it gotten any easier?
There's nothing about your behavior as described in this post that seems abnormal to me (though I am a hermit myself, so I'm not the best judge), but if you're miserable then there must be some way to get you some assistance. It's no fun being miserable on your own.
I had an appointment this week for the first time in months and I barely said 2 sentences. I just feel like I'm wasting her time because the whole thing I have a phobia about is telling her(or anyone) what I'm thinking/feeling.
I was questioning your sanity a little, but I reread my post trying to see it as not abnormal and I guess I would be more okay with my behaviour if I were living alone and didn't have to do labwork. Unfortunately everyone else here in Prestigious U.-land is super-productive and motivated. My housemates seem genuinely alarmed if I admit to staying in bed reading until mid-afternoon or not having started my proposal a month in advance, for example. Maybe I really do need "another animal like (me) as a companion" (I think that was actually referring to a llama), then I mightn't feel so freak-ish. But I would actually like to be more motivated and do stuff too, I think.
Two things: does she know that you have a phobia about telling people how you're thinking or feeling? And also, I have a friend who's clergy at Prestigious University. If you ever want more information on other support options available at Prestigious U., lemme know. I'd be happy to get the lowdown from him.
The first time I saw the meds person I wrote her a letter in which I tried to explain my problem, but I don't think I did so very succesfully. I think I assumed this person would have read that in my file too, but I'm so incoherent with this therapist that she probably has no idea. I keep meaning to try to write her a letter since there's no way I can actually talk about it, but I've been avoiding thinking about it between sessions.
Thanks for the offer of finding out about support for me. I really appreciate your thoughts, but I think I'm wasting enough people's time already and I really don't think I'd be able to talk to anyone else any better.
Plus, the main focus of all the orientation sessions seemed to be "look at the huge array of services we have for people who are stressed/depressed/lonely - i.e. you'll probably feel this way, but please don't kill yourselves" so I probably know of some of the things available already.
Hmmm, I can see that, though remember that you are NOT wasting people's time. They get paid the big bucks to help people in need, you know. (That said, I wasn't very good at getting help for myself, back in the days.)
Well, if you're ever interested in just talking to my friend, let me know. He's been through the wringer himself, so he knows all about stigma and how hard it is to talk about things...
I know they're getting paid, but they could be actually doing some good with their time.
If I ever get to the stage where I can actually talk, maybe I'll take you up on your offer. Thanks again.
Post a Comment
<< Home