so much for sunbeams

Well, I'm back early. They asked me to leave tonight. I'm trying not to interpret this as me being completely hopeless or unfixable, but I'm very disappointed. The first day, yesterday, I didn't really feel like I was learning much, but today I actually thought I was getting somewhere. There were frequent times where we had to share with the person sitting next to us about why we were there and what we were experiencing. I started out making up stories about how I was doing it because my brother had had good results with it and asked me to go, but today I was actually being honest about what I was feeling, which I have never, ever done before. I spent most of today crying as people got up and worked through their issues. It was incredible watching the transformations that people went through - the joy and peace that was obvious on their faces as they let go of what had been holding them back was inspiring. I kept feeling like I was getting somewhere, but not far enough. I could see more possibilities for myself, but I was still unwilling to let go of my fear and I still can't figure out what I'm so afraid of. I know I said that my big story is that I'm not a real person, but I don't think that's it. I'm petrified that if I let anyone know anything about me, they'll find out... I don't know what, but it's a lot worse than just that I'm not real.
Last night, we were given two assignments. One was to write a letter to someone, so I wrote to my mum. The other was to talk to someone about what we were learning, but I didn't do that one. I tried to think of someone I could talk to, even on the shallowest level, and I thought I'd come up with someone. I even went through the dialogue in my head. But, I wasn't willing to set a new precedent for relating to someone. I was terrified that if I opened up even the slightest bit, then I'd always have to be genuinely honest with them from now on.
Today the leader asked those of us who hadn't done the assignment to do it during a break. Before the break, a woman got up who reminded me exactly of my mother and seeing her become free and joyful in a short space of time made me want to call my mum and ask her to do the course. When it came time for the break, though, I didn't do anything. Before each break, he'd ask who was going to take action during the break, and who was still building up the courage to. I was always still working up the courage, but then I'd hide by eating or kind of talking to someone.
When I signed up for the course, I was relying on the fact that not everybody has to get up and talk in front of people. By last night, though, I was starting to think maybe it would be good for me. That didn't stop me from never putting my hand up because you couldn't tell when a one word answer would get you asked up to the microphone. Today I was thinking that I should get up to talk, because I wasn't going to get it on my own. I thought having the leader ask the right questions would allow me to find whatever it is that I'm stuck on.
Just before the last break, the woman I'd been sitting next to this morning, who'd been thinking the same thing about needing the leader to ask the right questions, said something that sounded like she was starting to figure something out by herself so as we were walking out I asked how it was going for her. She asked me, in turn, and I tried to say I thought I was getting somewhere, but not enough but I ended up in tears (yet again - I was crying all day) and she suggested I talk to one of the leaders and brought me over to them. Now, I'm wondering if I should have just said I was fine and gone to dinner, but I guess I would've found out sometime that I couldn't do it. At the time, I was grateful that she went to the trouble of getting the leader to talk to me and I thought maybe I'd get my epiphany, like the other people who'd talked.
The co-leader got me to sit down and started asking me what was wrong and I just kept sobbing and couldn't talk, as usual. I managed to get out the story I'd been thinking about all day, but then that didn't seem to be the real problem and I couldn't say anything else. He eventually took me into the office to talk to the leader (this really does sound cultish, but it wasn't) and I was terrified. The leader had a kind of brusque way of talking that I thought sounded like he was cross with us. He did explain that was just his way of talking, but I kept feeling like he was annoyed and I just kept crying and couldn't talk, although it felt to me like I was talking more than I ever would have anywhere else. It wasn't enough, though, and he said he thought I should go home.
I know I was being mocking and cynical in my previous post. When I saw my therapist last week and she said I must have some hope for the course, if I was willing to pay for it and put myself in that situation, but I couldn't admit that I was hopeful, because I had to protect myself from the possibility of not getting anything out of it. In spite of that, I really was hoping that this would make the difference and I would find a new way of being. Seeing those people transformed today really drove home how very much I wanted this to work.
Being told I should go home really upset me, then. I was expecting the leader to work miracles and cure me, if I just managed to say I needed help. Other people got their miracles today, so why not me? He said I needed to work through my therapy first before I could cope with the course. But I don't see how I can work through it without some kind of transformation first.
I know I shouldn't be blaming him but he did say several times that it was his responsibility to make sure we all got it, and that all we had to do was stay there and be present, so it feels like he let me down. He also said it was my choice whether I would be able to get over my depression and deal with therapy, so I guess it is all my own fault. I know I could take responsibility for actually doing that (instead, I still really want someone to fix me) but the alternative to being miserable is so terrifying that I'd rather be miserable. I can see all these wonderful possibilities that I'm missing out on, but there's something lurking out there that I can't see that is too scary to confront.
Now, I have to deal with telling my brother (who is hoping that I'll be transformed by the course) and the rest of my family that I got kicked out when they don't even know I'm depressed. I'm sure the few people here, who I had to tell I was doing the course, will ask how it was too and I don't know what to say. I spend my whole life pretending I'm fine so how can I explain that I'm too messed up even to finish the course? I know this is an opportunity to be honest for a change, but I'm still grateful that i didn't actually do the assignment, because I would have given too much away.