I didn't cry
That's still always an achievement. Of course, I didn't talk either. What I wrote seemed to come as a complete surprise to her, especially the fact that it was so "chatty". I'm wondering what alternative explanations she was coming up with on her own. She mainly asked me about my lack of motivation and I nodded or shook my head in response. I have an appointment with the meds person next week, who I haven't seen since July, maybe, when I gave up on the zoloft that wasn't doing anything. She said she'd talk to the meds person and show her the email, so maybe I'll get away without having to talk there, too.
She started talking about gradually expanding the range of things I can talk about, but now I'm feeling reluctant to change anything. Part of that is I'm already feeling embarrassed at the thought of potentially getting to a point where I can talk to her and then having to admit how idiotic and irrational my current behaviour is. Because if it's achievable, I should already have figured it out by now. It's less humiliating to be such a freak if I don't have any choice in the matter.
I always make therapy appointments early in the morning because it forces me to get out of the house at a reasonable hour. The problem is I feel like I've exerted a huge amount of effort before I even get to lab (because sitting there, not saying anything is such hard work...) and it takes most of the day to calm down. Unfortunately, I have a huge experiment to plan today before a meeting with my advisor and Overly Verbose Student, who is very nice, but loves to spend 10 times as long optimising a plan than it would take to execute, so I'll probably end up feeling like banging my head against a brick wall before the end of the day. I would be excited that it's a weekend tomorrow, except that my procrastination yesterday has pushed the huge experiment to tomorrow... I just want to go home and sleep.
posted by Lucy @ 12:29 PM
11
comments
11 Comments:
Lucy, I don't know you, so please ignore me if you feel I'm out of line, but as a once-upon-a-time depressed-enough-to-be-hospitalized person, I'm concerned that you are in a therapeutic relationship where you don't feel comfortable speaking at all. Is it possible to change therapists? Or is there something you need to hear or see from this one that might make it possible to talk? Meds can certainly make a difference, but they work best in combination with the talking, which it sounds like you are not really getting.
I'm sorry this is all so hard. You are in my thoughts.
Emotional experiences are draining. Heck, any experiences are draining for an introvert. I just got back from teaching, and I feel the need to just sit here in my chair and stare at the wall for a while. Definitely you shouldn't beat yourself up for feeling irrational. It's emotions we're talking about. They're not rational!
sheepish, I know feelings aren't rational, but it seems like most of my thinking is irrational too...
Songbird, you're not out of line at all, I appreciate your comments. I really don't think my inability to talk is at a reflection on her. I've never in my life been able to talk to anyone so I can't imagine what could be different that would make me feel any more comfortable (other than perhaps doing the whole thing by IM, and I'm not sure I'm even ready for that). It's possible a different therapist would be better, but since I don't have any idea what would make a difference, it seems easier to stay where I am. I like her a lot more than the meds person, at least.
Aw, Lucy. You're not a freak!
All I can say about the potential embarrassment is that your therapist, if she's any good at all, is not trying to think of ways to make you admit that you're idiotic and irrational. She doesn't want to humiliate you. She's not your brother, you know?
I hope you got through the day at the lab OK. What sheepish said -- it *is* really draining!
Don't beat yourself up. These things take time.
It sounds like you are making some progress ....
Thanks, Jo(e) and Phantom.
I know she's not trying to humiliate me, but I'm perfectly capable of doing that all by myself...
"Because if it's achievable, I should already have figured it out by now."
Why? Just because it's achievable doesn't make it easy. Even if it's achievable, it may take a long time, and that's okay, I think. Hang in there. I still think you're being brave.
It's hard to talk in therapy. But oddly, I love working with people who have trouble talking. I hope that you really feel like your therapist is curious and interested and wants to hear whatever you can say. I know it rankled you a bit, but I really liked that she said she hoped to see you be able to expand the range of topics you could talk about. I sometimes encourage clients to bring in lists or letters to me to help them talk. It's hard though if they just hand them to me to read, as I truly feel that there is something important about actually saying things (for me -- who has trouble talking too -- if I just have her read it, I feel like it hasn't been truly expressed - but it's a start).
Anyway, I think it's great you emailed her - and I hope that you continue to open up with her as you can, in your own way and time.
I actually feel like things are far better expressed in writing. If I tried saying the same thing it either wouldn't get said or would get hugely abridged. It would be better if I could actually express myself verbally, of course, especially to clarify what I meant.
Good for you, you are really making huge progress.
And I was reading a book this week called "The Courage to Write" by Ralph Keyes, which would not seem to have anything in common with your dilemma, but was filled with stories of brilliant world-class writers who couldn't carry on small chat to save their lives--like Cynthia Ozick, who apparently would type out answers to interview questions--when the interviewer was there with her, asking her questions. So! If brilliant, world-class writers have such a hard time answering questions verbally (and that was not by any means the only such story), then you are at the very least in good company.
company is always encouraging. Thanks, Andrea. Although, it would be nice to have the talent to offset the inability to talk, too :)
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