I think I may already be regretting this...
Dear Therapist,
I hope you don't mind me emailing you. I've been thinking of writing you a message ever since my first appointment, since I don't seem to be able to say anything useful in person and I feel like I'm just wasting your time there (I'm sorry about that). I haven't done it before now, though, because this is also pretty hard.
The reason I have such trouble talking during appointments is that I'm terrified of giving away any remotely personal information for fear of being judged or it being used against me somehow. That's why it's (somewhat) easier to answer questions about Commonwealthland or movies or to organise the next appointment. I'm not actually anywhere near as inarticulate and anxious in normal social situations since it's a lot easier to avoid having to talk about anything too personal.
When you ask a question and I don't answer, I'm probably trying to figure out how to condense what I'm thinking into something short enough and not incriminating enough to actually be sayable, then trying to convince myself to say it, then realising I've been sitting there in silence for way too long and then it's too hard to say anything at all.
Also, this doesn't relate to anything we've talked about really, but the thing I'm probably most concerned about at the moment is that I'm getting less and less productive in lab. I can't seem to get myself out of bed in the morning and then when I do make it into the lab at 11.30, I waste most of the day looking at random web pages or something equally pointless.
I don't know what to do about any of this, but I figured it might be more helpful to actually give you some information for a change. Although now I will probably be even more anxious tomorrow...
thanks,
Lucy
posted by Lucy @ 2:02 AM
12
comments
12 Comments:
Did you e-mail this to her/him? If not, will you print it out and take it to your appointment?
It's pretty well thought-out and incredibly honest.
That's a good step.
(o)
I emailed. There's no way I could sit there while she read it in front of me... I'm already dreading going to my appointment tomorrow.
Lucy - I hope she reacts to your email in a way that's helpful to you. It's difficult to establish trust in relationships, and I admire that you're taking steps to be vulnerable with your therapist, because if she receives your effort to reach out in a way that's helpful to you, this could really help with creating trust between you two. I'm impressed that you did this. I hope your appointment is okay today.
Good for you for doing this. I hope that the appointment goes well and that the e-mail helps.
Dear Lucy,
That was indeed a brave e-mail. Since I don't know your history with this therapist, I can't say much more, except I hope you will find this opens things up in your appointment today.
Bless you.
I think this email was a smart move. even though you may have to open up the session by talking about it, you've now FORCED yourself to talk. And that can only (eventually) make things better. I'm proud of you (for what that is worth).
Nicely played, Lucy, nicely played. This lets her know that you can be quite articulate and thoughtful, and may help her figure out how to get the most out of your sessions. I hope things go well at the appointment. Let us know, if you want to talk about it that is.
Good for you, Lucy. That was very brave.
Oh, Lucy! I'm so proud of you! Whether or not it goes well with the therapist, you've already taken a giant step forward.
If you need anything, we're here for you.
Thank you so much for your support, everyone. I wouldn't have been brave enough to even try this if it weren't for the wonderful responses I've got here. I'll let you know how it goes tomorrow.
Seadragon, I'm not entirely sure this will actually force me to talk, but at least she won't be guessing so much as to why.
sheepish, letting her know I can be more articulate than I seem is why I hadn't done this before. I don't really want to raise her expectations, or have to leave my (relative) comfort zone...
I was kind of scared that she'd email me back today, but now that she hasn't I'm scared she didn't get my email or will read it when I get there tomorrow...
I went and saw my GP one day, a good period of time after she had prescribed me anti-depressants and I had asked her to refer me to a psychiatrist as opposed to the psychologist I had been seeing through Student Support Services at uni. She looked at me and beamed and said something like 'I'm so pleased with your progress. I could hardly get a word out of you before.' I was slightly taken aback at the time, I hadn't realised the extent to which my affect had been effected (so to speak)by depression, I had lived for so long thinking that barely being able to speak to anyone in the slightest position of authority without bursting into tears was entirely normal.
Different things work for different people, but I found anti-depressants really helped me to get out of bed in the morning, so I could begin to address the causes of the problem.
You'll probably read this after you've been to your session, I hope it went well and wish you all the best for the long, but finite, haul ahead. xox.
thanks, galaxy. The hope that a lot of things might be easier with medication was what originally got me to make an appointment in the first place, but the anti-depressants didn't make any noticeable difference (apart from a week of joyful placebo effect) and the doctor didn't seem inclined to change them, so since I couldn't say anything to even begin to convince her it wasn't working, I gave up. Maybe I'll have better luck this time...
It's hard to imagine there being a finite path to being able to talk, but I'm encouraged by your use of the word - thanks.
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