how much do I suck?
I hung out in lab not doing anything last night just because I didn't want to go home. Then I went grocery shopping on the way home in order to postpone it further. Instead of buying actual food, I bought ice cream and doughnuts, though. Then when I almost got home I realised two housemates were a block ahead of me, so I had to slow down and walk around the block to give them a chance to get into their rooms before I got home. One of those housemates emailed me asking if I was okay because nobody had seen me in a while. I haven't replied yet.
One of the reasons I keep getting to work so late is that if I get up between 7.15 and 9.30, I'll have to see people in the morning, so it's easier just to stay in bed. This morning, I managed to get up at 7.45, hoping to sneak out without seeing people, but failed. I just mumbled hi, though and went back to hiding in my room for a while.
I was supposed to send a file to a lab mate on friday, but I still haven't finished copying and pasting things into it. I'm also ignoring the very time sensitive experiment that someone else started for me on the weekend...
And now I'm posting yet another whiny post. I'm sorry for being so sulky and negative all the time.
posted by Lucy @ 1:51 PM
7
comments
7 Comments:
But the bright side: ice cream and doughnuts!
Seriously, though, I'm sorry it's all bad. What you need to do is build an emergency exit tunnel from your bedroom to the bathroom and then out onto the street so that you can do your thing in the morning without running into anyone else.
I'll come help dig.
I'm so sorry, Lucy.
A few years ago I went through an awful bout of depression. So I "outed" myself to my closest friends in an e-mail. It was really hard to do but very worthwhile.
I wrote something like this:
"Dear friends,
This is very hard for me to write, and I trust you not to share it with anyone else. For years I've suffered with depression and have been able to (mostly) hide it. However, right now I don't have the energy to pretend. I'm not looking for sympathy or a surrogate therapist. Rather, I wanted to let you know why I have not been very social or a very good friend lately. I apologise if my actions have been rude or hurtful."
Simple as that. The response was incredibly positive, and my friends responded by dragging me out of bed, taking me on walks in the sun, and generally cutting me slack when I wasn't behaving politely.
Just a thought.
P.S. I also told my advisor. That was tough. I simply said I was suffering from depression, had been to the health center and had gotten a diagnosis and a referral, and was taking steps to work on it. I told her that I was only letting her know because I realized how flakey I'd been and thought she deserved a good explanation. I told her it was causing memory slips but that I was frantically trying to write everything down. She was incredibly understanding.
Profs have seen this before. All the time, actually. Depression often rears its ugly head in college...
excellent idea on the tunnel, StyleyGeek!
Terminaldegree, thanks. I still haven't replied to the email asking if I was okay because after I'd typed out my usual story about being fine, just busy in lab etc, I felt bad for lying and didn't want to send it. Of course, I don't think I can deal with people knowing and I just want to stop them asking questions... I'm considering your email option, though.
Honey, they're not gonna stop asking questions. Because they CARE about you. (Yes, really.) And you know what? If they're asking questions, they already know, and it means they like you and are concerned. That's not such a bad thing, right? :)
Here's something odd: it is very freeing to admit to being depressed. People won't look at you funny or think you're nuts. They WILL be more understanding. And you won't have to spend energy on "acting" the part of a happy person. Which will give you energy for getting better. I'm talkin' from experience here...
(And yeah, some of 'em will say some dumb things like "cheer up" or "snap out of it," but if they wouldn't say it to a diabetic or asthmatic, they shouldn't say it to a depressed person. But folks don't always know that...I have honestly decided that such people Are Ignorant And Do Not Matter.) :)
That Stiff Upper Lip approach only works for so long. And then the energy of keeping up appearances gets to be just too hard. I bet that if your housemates knew WHY you weren't doing the chores, they might be more understanding. At least I'd sure hope they would be. Is it really so bad if they know about depression? (I don't tell my students or uni coworkers, but my closest friends and family know, and it's actually felt a lot more honest to tell them...)
But you CAN get through this. And life WILL get better again, even though it doesn't seem like it right now...
Really. (Been there, it was awful, but there is light at the end of the tunnel. I promise.)
{{{hugs}}}
PS I really hope I'm not butting in too much here. If so just tell me to shush up and I'll do it. :)
You're not butting in too much at all. Thank you for writing. I'm trying to figure out what exactly my problems with telling people are. Everything you said makes sense, but I still don't think I can do it...
For me at least, the problem with telling people was that it felt like failure to me. That there was something going on in my brain that I couldn't entirely control. It really felt like a weakness to me. That was really hard to deal with.
And it also felt shameful, because of the stigma against mental illnesses.
Eventually the pain became worse than the stigma. And then the stigma went away (mostly, I mean, I still don't tell my students, but that's b/c it's not their business) as I told my friends. Now it's just Who I Am.
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