I think I'll just stay in my room forever
After actually enjoying talking to people at recruitment events over the last few days, I was feeling better. I still haven't seen any of my housemates in well over a week, though, because I've been hiding in my room. Yesterday I was hiding to recover from being surrounded by people I had to talk to all day Friday, but today I thought maybe it was time to emerge and say hi. It's hard to reappear for the first time and deal with questions about why nobody's seen me in so long, so I kept messing around online and putting it off. I was just putting together a list so I could go grocery shopping and psyching myself up to go into the kitchen where I could hear a couple of housemates. Then I heard them talking about me.
We have a chores roster hanging on the fridge to keep track of whose turn it is to do each job and we're supposed to sign off and write the date when we've done our job every 2 weeks. Next to my name there's a long row of white space. I haven't done any chores in many months and for all that time I've been living in dread of someone confronting me about this. Actually for the whole year and a half we've been living here, I have never reliably done my chores. It's yet another in a long list of things I keep putting off and putting off until I can't even bear to think about it. I rarely clean my own room or even do laundry either, but that doesn't affect anyone but me. I keep meaning to start doing my chore, but I'm usually feeling miserable enough to think I'll just leave it until tomorrow, and then I forget, and then I'm feeling avoidant again, and then it's two weeks later and somebody else has done it because it's now their turn. It's similar to how I feel about emerging from my room, too, in that, after not having done anything in ages, I don't want anyone to see me cleaning in case it attracts notice. Unfortunately, I'm almost never home alone and able to clean in secret. I know it might be better for people to see me doing something for a change, but if I were to rank the things that make me most anxious, that would be right up near the top.
Anyway, today as I was trying to make myself leave my room, I heard two of my housemates discussing the chores list. They commented on the housemate who's been out of town a lot being late doing hers, and then switched to talking about how I never, ever do mine and don't even have an excuse like being away. I did pass one of these housemates in the street yesterday and he seemed annoyed at me. I wasn't sure if I was imagining it because of feeling perpetually guilty, but now I'm scared even in my room that he'll knock on my door to confront me.
Obviously, I know everyone is very aware that I don't do my share of the chores, but the only way I've been able to interact with housemates at all is to pretend that they haven't noticed just how long it's been since I did anything, and I just have to start doing them again and it'll be fine. Now I really can't leave my room. I had to put on my headphones and start playing music loudly so I wouldn't hear anything else, too.
There is no way I can explain myself since I really have no excuse. Even apologising would take way more courage than I have. Being depressed is not an excuse. I've managed to do other things, so why not this? I seriously just want to move out and live by myself and be a complete hermit, but I can't afford that, unfortunately. I guess I'll just be a hermit in my room. I wonder how long I can go without seeing anyone.
posted by Lucy @ 11:04 AM
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comments
12 Comments:
Oh, Lucy, I'm sorry. What an awkward situation. For what it's worth, I think it's really, really difficult to be going through what you are while living with a group of people who are not a caring support network (like family or very close friends might be). When I was living in a college dorm (with roommates who were friends, but even so not the sort of care network that one really needs in these circumstances) my life was one neverending series of events like these. God, how I hated it. Feeling trapped in my room all the time. It was like living in the frickin' Panopticon.
You know, in that book that I mentioned (which is sitting in its package on the couch, waiting to be mailed out any minute now) the author even observes that most patients find it extremely difficult to recover while in the communal living situations of college. It's just too hard when you have no proper privacy and feel always exposed to the judgement of others for your failures.
Anyway. I hope you can find some private time in the house so that you can sneak out and get some of those chores done.
Ugh, Lucy, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this--it sounds awful, and reminds me of roommate situations I've been in--I really do feel for you on this. I actually just got done cleaning (a little) in the kitchen--for the first time in about 2 months--because the New Roommate is gone this weekend.
I wish I had advice for you...but I think I've only got empathy. And I really, really hate to sound like a big ol' drug pusher or something, but have you considered trying klonopin or xanax or something like that--just for once in a while? sometimes it makes it easier for me to talk to/interact with people I can't avoid (eg, my classes...) Good luck, sweetie, and I hope you hit a good part of a cycle soon. :)
Wolfa, it's on recovery from eating disorders, but it's a damn good book just in general. If you're interested, email me.
Phantom, yesterday I was breathing a sigh of relief that I didn't have an assigned chore this week so I could maybe skip the guilt until next time and then I'd really do my job. But now I just feel guiltier that I can't even do anything now without it attracting attention.
Wolfa, I do at least clean up after myself, I just can't seem to do the more general assigned cleaning. "if I do it, it will be so obvious that I haven't" is exactly it...
It would theoretically be possible to move somewhere with fewer people, but after hearing what housemates had to say about prospective new housemates, that seems too traumatising to deal with. I think I'd be even more of a hermit with strangers too. Living on my own sounds very appealing right now, except that then I'm pretty sure I'd just never, ever talk to anybody, and while that might be nice, I can't help thinking it would just make me worse in the end.
Luckybuzz, I've never considered medication for specific situations. Does that just make you less anxious temporarily? I really feel like I shouldn't be just pretending everything's okay, still. Avoiding them seems like a reasonable option...
I'm feeling kind of guilty that you're all being so nice and understanding too. I feel like I shouldn't be complaining and asking for sympathy when the problem is that I've done something wrong.
I don't think I deserve your support, but thank you.
It's that abusive inner voice again, Lucy, telling you that you don't deserve to be treated with kindness and understanding. I wish we could out-shout it.
Can you maybe sneak out and leave a note by the chores roster that says something like, you're sorry you haven't done your chores in a while, but you are going to try and change that for future rosters? That way, your housemates will at least not think you don't care, and you might also feel more incentive to get them done in future.
That said, I think depression _is_ an excuse. If you had a visible illness, they wouldn't mind covering for you when you just couldn't manage to do the chores. So if your housemates are at all sympathetic-seeming people, maybe you could leave them a note with a fuller explanation and asking for them to cut you some slack? Of course, that sounds like the sort of thing I could never be brave enough to do, and from your posts, I'd guess you have more of the social-situations-freak-me-out gene than I even do.
So I guess all I can really do here is sympathise. (On a similar note, I have been putting off phoning a close friend to congratulate her on her engagement for a whole bunch of reasons, but mostly because I haven't felt I could face phoning anyone lately, and then feeling guilty about not having called made it even harder to call, etc etc. And yesterday she sent me a really nasty (and untrue!) email about how I clearly think I am better than her and that my life is so far above hers she doesn't matter anymore, but that it would have been common decency to at least go through the motions of congratulating her. And now it's even more important I call her and I can face it even less.)
So I send you sighs of commiseration. *sigh*
I was going to say just what Phantom said there. Lucy, speaking as someone who you know has somewhat similar issues--we can't necessarily trust that inner voice. It's really not always our friend.
About the klonopin (generic, clonazapam)--i really don't want to sound like i'm hugely advocating more meds or whatever. I use it pretty rarely, but it's really awesome (for me, anyway) when I'm about to have a panic attack or a really bad anxiety attack--it's temporarily calming, doesn't make me all out of it, and works pretty fast (again, for me). I think Xanax is pretty similar. Maybe something to ask your meds person about?
That probably would've been a good idea 5 months ago, StyleyGeek... I think it's gone on long enough that even explaining the whole range of phobias and depression that are the excuses in my head wouldn't be enough, and there's no way I could do that, anyway. It's especially seems like just making excuses because I spend any time not hiding in my room, pretending I'm completely happy and fine.
I'm sorry you're having similar issues with calling your friend. I've been there, too. I hope it works out okay.
Phantom, it's hard to believe I shouldn't listen to that inner voice when I'm being the horrible housemate I've heard people complain about (and commiserated with them about) in other situations...
Luckybuzz, it's kind of the same with the idea of medication. My problem isn't that I'm having panic/anxiety attacks at the thought of talking to my housemates; it's that I'm being such a horrible housemate in the first place.
Yes, what wolfa says is exactly it: you don't need to be perfect to deserve kindness and understanding. No one else is perfect, either.
Hi Lucy. Just want to add my voice to those who empathize and wish you'd cut yourself some slack. There are much worse things than not doing one's chores! And since no one's confronted you about it after all this time, my guess is they're not all that angry at you; probably only mildly annoyed as well as curious about what's going on. Why not take the plunge and blurt out some version of the truth to them? As an experiment? We'll all be here awaiting the results. :)
I'm in the same boat as you with the cleaning stuff .... and now I make a point of NOT doing it while people are around, so they won't know when I did or didn't do it.
With what Cris said .... if you go back to the beginning of my January archives, you'll see me dealing with a similar type of situation with my house .... at least then they couldn't blatently get mad at me.
peace out to you, girl, and cut yourself some slack.
Lucy,
More empathy from my part of the world. I am a horrible cleaner, and the kitten is not afraid to let me know (in annoying ways) when I need to clean. Nagging or other tactics do little to motivate me, however.
I just did a little binge tonight (it was my goal) and cleaned two closets (sort of). But that's my first cleaning binge in ...oh, months. And frankly it's just because I have an interview tomorrow and have been completely unable to purchase anything good to wear to it.
And oh, if I am behind in doing something, I cannot do it when others are around. I'm so glad I live alone so only I can see the squalor in which I live :)
shrinky
ps. just as an aside, xanax is fairly addictive. It is good for anxiety but needs to be used in the very very short term. Now ativan, ummmmm....that stuff is gooooood :)
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