but I'm not that bad, really...

I saw the meds nurse again this morning. I was expecting it to be the usual pointless exchange with me having nothing to say, except that nothing's changed and her suggesting increasing the dosage. She did do that, but apparently my last email to the therapist describing how the depression is affecting my life seemed worse than I thought when I wrote it. She suggested doing some kind of testing, which seems reasonable, but then she started talking about going into hospital, which freaked me out. I'm not that crazy am I? She asked if I wanted to go into hospital and I said no, well, I shook my head at least... So apparently the other option is to just go during the day. It sounded like several whole days, though. What kind of tests take days to do?
Of course, when I walk through the hospital on my way to lab, I often think how nice it would be to be sick and not have to make the effort to do anything. But the reason that's so appealing is that being physically ill is an obvious, guilt- and shame-free excuse for not doing anything. Mental illness doesn't work so well.
I feel like I must've exaggerated or something to make them worry now. I wanted to say I was okay, really. I don't need anything that drastic... I'm fine.
Ironically, here's what I wrote last night:

One of the factors required for recovery in Sensing the Self (book #35) was a sense of enough, as in “Yes, this is enough misery. Yes, you have tried long enough to do this alone. Yes, you are sick enough. Yes, you matter enough”
I definitely feel like I need someone else to acknowledge/verify that I do have a problem and it’s bad enough to deserve treatment and I’m not just making it up or wasting their time. I don’t feel like I get that now. I feel like they’re kind of curious about why I can’t talk or feel depressed and meds don’t work, but just in a detached, scientific way, not because they care. (Of course, it seems like a bit much to expect, anyway, that they would care about someone just because they show up at the clinic). I almost wish I had an actual eating disorder to point to as a reason I need help, or even that I could say I’ve thought about suicide, since it seemed like that would get them to notice me and do something. But I don’t have an eating disorder and I’m not suicidal, therefore I don’t really have a bad enough problem, right?

So now I have more attention and I don't want it. The meds nurse made an urgent appointment with the therapist and I'm supposed to go back this afternoon. I'm worried about what she's going to say.