update

It was weird to be back at the clinic in the afternoon, with lots of people around. I usually go first thing in the morning, in an attempt to get to lab at a reasonable hour, but it has the added benefit of never having to run into anyone going to any of the other health services. I felt bad for the kid behind me in the lift today when he ran into a friend who asked him what he was there for. "Oh, you know... just a check up" he said, before getting off on the mental health floor.
I so didn't want to be there, but it wasn't too bad in the end. I'm still confused about why everything was suddenly so urgent, but I feel a little better. I was scared enough of the prospect of hospital that I managed to answer a couple of non-yes/no questions. From what the therapist said, the "testing" that the meds nurse compared to getting blood tests done was actually a "coping with depression" skills group thing. I still don't want to do that, because I can't tell my advisor that I need to take a week or two off for it. I'm still wondering what I said that made it sound like I can't function at all (maybe admitting I've been eating junk food for dinner, instead of cooking, for weeks because I can't face being in the kitchen with housemates? They seemed to focus on that).
The fact that the therapist didn't seem so set on the hospital idea made me feel a lot better, anyway. She was still worried, though and asked about what medication I'm on. She was very surprised to learn that I'm only taking the ritalin and she also seemed confused that I was taking ADD medication and no anti-depressant. She asked me why and I had no idea. That's what I was given... I did think it was meant to be an anti-depressant, at least.
So now I have an appointment tomorrow with the meds nurse's supervising psychiatrist. The appointment was originally Friday, but she decided it needed to be sooner (again, why is all this suddenly so urgent?). I got the feeling the therapist wasn't at all happy with what the meds nurse has been doing. I'm pretty worried about seeing a new person...
I also have a long list of new appointments with the therapist. She decided that meeting every week for a shorter time would be a better idea, and I'm supposed to email her in between.
I guess I feel better now that they're doing something different and seem more focussed on figuring out what might work better. I don't know why now and not any time over the past year, though.
It was nice to be outside afterwards while it was still daylight. Seeing all the markers of spring that I've missed by hiding in the lab all evening cheered me up, too. There are leaves on the trees and flowers and people walking their dogs and the punks have come out of hibernation. I should really try to leave the lab earlier, since it's not as if I'm doing anything productive anyway.