what do I want?
I have a therapy appointment tomorrow morning. It’s been three weeks since my last one. At that appointment, she said she’d emailed me to ask what I wanted from therapy and to try to answer that before my next appointment. I never got that email, so I used that as the excuse not to think about what I wanted for the first 2 weeks – how could I answer if I didn’t know precisely what specific question she was asking? I finally emailed a week ago to say I hadn’t got her message and she resent it, but I’m still having troubling thinking about what I want.
I want to not feel so bad most of the time. That’s easy enough to figure out. I can’t get any further, though. Every time I try to think about anything more specific that I might want, my brain shuts down, because, obviously I can’t have that so there’s no point even thinking about it. I can’t possibly tell someone I want it because it’s so unattainable, they’d just laugh at me for thinking I had any hope, or at best offer some patronising platitude about miracles happening on occasion. I can’t even admit anything I really want to myself, so there’s no way I can tell anyone else.
I could maybe say I’d like to be able to talk to people, more than just small talk. That might be something small enough to not be completely outlandish. But if I start to think about it and realise that that would involve telling people some of my closely-guarded secrets, I’m not so sure I do want that. I wish I didn’t have any secrets to guard. Actually, the more I think about it, the more that seems hopelessly unattainable, too…
I guess I could say I’d like not to be so lonely and isolated, but I can’t complain about that when I’m the one who’s hiding in my room all the time.
What I really want is to just magically be a normal person. I can’t write that, of course, because there’s no such thing as normal etc etc. I know. Somehow, though, most people do seem to know how to interact in the world. I’d be happy to replace some of my problems with new ones, as long as they came with some social skills or something useful.
posted by Lucy @ 5:02 PM
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8 Comments:
Lucy,
What about just thinking about what you want from therapy itself? What would you like to be able to do within that room - that relationship. I totally get how thinking more broadly kind of leads almost to catastrophic proportions of outcomes. So, maybe think in a more microcosm way. For example, what about being able to come in and have things you want to talk about - or being able to talk about things (not necessarily deep secrets) mor comfortably with her - or feeling like you can open up to her. Might goals like that feel more doable?
Also, I know you are likely loath to do so, but I think telling her exactly what you wrote could be monumentous.
I think it could be far too monumentous for me to cope with...
Telling her things still feels as scary and impossible as telling anyone else. I can't think of anything that is actually a small enough step that I could reasonably aspire to it.
It feels like anything I could want is on the other side of an enormous chasm so the only way to get to it is to leap across in one go. I might be able to build a bridge, if I had any tools or equipment or anything, but they're all on the other side, too.
I really want her to figure out how to get across and tell me what to do.
The blog world pushed me to think about what I wanted out of therapy, and I didn't really know. I told my therapist that I thought maybe I should know what I wanted from therapy. Then she asked me what I felt I wanted. I just said I didn't know, other than I didn't want to feel sad. She said that was a fine goal.
You could share all of this stuff and tell her how much it all scares you, maybe, but maybe not, if that's too scary, which I can understand why it would be.
Are you meant to be answering her question by email first, or in the therapy session itself? Because I can imagine it might be a little less scary to send her a version of what you wrote here by email, if you can't imagine yourself actually saying it.
I was supposed to email. I still can't say anything out loud.
I ended up sending an extremely abridged version of what I wrote here. It was still more than I felt comfortable saying, though, so now I'm dreading the appointment, as usual.
Your therapist is there to be unfailing support and a kind ear. She will not judge you. She will not laugh at you. If she does, you need a new therapist! That doesn't mean you should trust her immediately, but try to realize that no matter what you say, her response will not be a negative one.
From what you have listed here, I would say/write "Social situations are very awkward for me and I wish they weren't."
Many many many people have social anxiety issues. Your therapist should be able to think of several ways to help you. And hopefully you can work with her to find one that will actually work for *you*.
It seems like as good a place as any to start asking yourself that question, even if you're not sharing it with your therapist. I think you do deserve the things you don't dare to want though - no question about that.
(o)
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