it started out so well...
I had such a good weekend. I cleaned my room on Friday, even vacuuming and washing practically everything I own that could go in the washing machine and I went to a play with friends. Saturday, I walked around and took photos and went grocery shopping properly (meaning I bought real food, not just junk). I took my laptop into the kitchen, too, so that I actually saw and spoke to most of my housemates multiple times. Sunday, I did some errands and made fruit salad for the barbeque my housemates were organising. I stayed for the whole barbeque and even talked to people I didn't know, instead of hiding in my room. Yesterday, I went to the beach. Last night, I was thinking that maybe I just needed a little holiday and this week might be a little easier. I was even still feeling optimistic this morning. After all, my floorboards are still visible after four whole days, I made lunch to bring with me and I left the house by 9.30am.
Once I got to the lab though, it didn't take long for the energy to seep away, leaving me as unmotivated as ever. I tried to take a break for lunch, hoping I could come back and get some little thing done at least, instead I've just ended up trying not to cry.
I was reading Alison Bechdel's memoir Fun Home (book #50, if I ever get around to the next book post) while I ate lunch. I'm not sure if it's at all related to reading about her obsessive-compulsive period, but when I came back to my desk afterwards, I was feeling panicky enough to send me down to the cafeteria for cake and a cookie. I wanted to go back for more comfort food, but I didn't want to face the guy working the register again, so I just stayed downstairs, reading furiously, until I finished the book and wrote half a miserable blog post on a scrap of paper. I still feel anxious and jittery, but I ran out of paper and book to read. I think I have to give up on doing any work again and just go home. Although, having to last the hour home with no distraction makes me reluctant to leave.
I don't really have anything to say. It's just another "I don't want to be trapped alone in my head here" post...
posted by Lucy @ 4:16 PM
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comments
6 Comments:
Do you like the research you're currently doing? Is it interesting to you? I just ask because you had a great weekend, productive, fun, and social, and then you crashed again at work. Is there any correlation, you think?
I keep wondering if my lack of motivation is a sign that this isn't what I really want to be doing, but I do like my research a lot, actually. I'm still in the lab, in fact, because my advisor arrived just as I was going to leave. He wanted to talk about some new papers and big picture stuff, which is all very cool and exciting. Somehow, though, being excited about what results mean and how things work doesn't translate into any motivation to do the actual work. I still can't figure out what's stopping me. There must be something specific. It could just be that I don't think I can actually do all the exciting stuff I'm expected to do, I guess.
Or it could just be a now-habitual reaction to being at your lab. I know that there are certain places (my grad school department building, for instance) where I inevitably slip into feeling yucky no matter how well I otherwise feel, because of all the bad history associated with the place. Not that this explanation helps you any since it's not like you can go to some other lab to work. But maybe you don't need to see today as such an indication that your good weekend was all for nought. Cause your weekend sounded quite lovely.
I like Margi's point. A good weekend isn't for nought because you had a tough day following. (In some ways, that seems perfectly normal to me -- the first day back after a break in normal routine is always kind of shaky for me.)
Do you put a lot of pressure on yourself to be progressing out of the depression, such that you feel like you take a step backwards when you're feeling unhappy?
maybe I should try working somewhere else, Margi. The database stuff can be done anywhere and would probably benefit from a lack of internet connection. Although, games would still work...
Phantom, I wasn't conscious of feeling like it was a step backwards today. I think it was more that if I can't get anything done even when I start out feeling better, what hope have I got when I have to overcome the feeling miserable to begin with? That doesn't mean I'm not putting pressure on myself, though. I'm still not entirely comfortable with accepting the depression is real and has real effects, anyway...
Sorry you ended up miserable, but I'm glad to hear you had a good weekend, anyway!
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