a shoulder to cry on

One day when I was living in the dorm, I could hear someone across the corridor from me sobbing their heart out. I wondered for a bit if I should see if they were okay, but luckily I heard someone else go in to comfort them. Aside from my usual social anxiety, part of what made me so reluctant to ask if they were okay was that I didn't want them to be embarrassed that I could hear them crying.
The last time I remember crying loud enough for someone to hear me, I was somewhere around 11. I don't remember why, but my mum had told me that if she was feeling miserable, she'd sometimes get in the shower and have a good cry. I tried it one day, thinking nobody would hear me. I don't remember what I was so upset about, probably my usual lonely misfitness, but when I came out of the bathroom, my mum asked worriedly what I'd been crying about. I couldn't have articulated it, even if I'd wanted to, but I felt bad for worrying her. Since then I've pretty much perfected the art of sobbing soundlessly.
I don't remember going to anyone much for comfort when I was upset, either. Apparently when I was 3 or 4, I was already refusing to tell mum what was wrong when I was upset. When we had to put our cat to sleep, I think I went to my dad (he was the only one home) upset that the film I'd used to try to take a last few photos of the cat with hadn't been wound on properly. He just said something about how it couldn't be fixed and what did I want him to do about it.
I was thinking about this last night when I was trying to figure out why I felt so miserable and what I wanted. Then, this morning, I ended up in tears in my meds appointment, for no reason other than I've been having trouble not crying since yesterday. I couldn't say what was wrong because I don't know, but the nurse asked what I do when I'm sad, if there's someone I can go to. I said no and she asked what anyone in my family did when they were sad. I didn't know. I always just hid in my room and tried to pretend I was fine. She asked if my mum were there, would she say "don't you remember, lucy? We always did x". I'm sure my mum would be horrified to learn I couldn't think of a sane, healthy family reaction to sadness and would say something similar, but I have no idea what she would think we did. Maybe she'd assume I would have come to her and the fact that I never did just means I was never sad?
I know she would turn to me, or anyone else who was around. My older brother would do the same. My little brother had his girlfriend for a long time. I hope he has someone now. I have no idea what my dad did. I keep being surprised when my mum tells me my older brother has been over there crying to her about something, because it doesn't seem safe to me.
I think that is what I want though. I wish I could cry on someone's shoulder without feeling dangerously exposed and needy and clingy and annoying. You're all very wonderful and I really appreciate your support so much, but virtual hugs aren't quite the same.