too many steps
You’ll keep tripping over a hidden step, over and over, till you finally understand: Watch out for that step! …Either you suffer the consequences of not noticing your fault forever or, one day, you do notice it, and fix it. Joke is, once you get it into your brain about that hidden step and think, Hey, life isn’t such a shithouse after all again, then BUMP! Down you go, a whole new flight of hidden steps.
There are always more.
- David Mitchell (Black Swan Green)
posted by Lucy @ 3:28 PM
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comments
4 Comments:
Hello Lucy. I wanted to comment as soon as I started reading your entries (but decided to read through all the recent ones first) because I immediately recognised you as person experiencing depression. I read your posts to see whether you also recognised this, and I see that you do.
I spent many years feeling the same way you do. At one point I was living in a vibrant city, in a cool apartment with a spectacular view and limitless possibilities. I sat in the living room, looking at the view and watched TV weekend after weekend. I dragged myself to work 5 days a week, most weeks, but frequently phoned in "sick" on Mondays when I just couldn't face it. At the end of these weekends I would mentally beat myself up for having wasted another two whole days of limitless possibilities by sitting on my behind reading books I had already read or zoned out in front of the box.
I didn't ever take any kind of medication because I just thought I was feeling 'down'. I also couldn't face the idea of friendships or relationships (and I was older than you at the time) and couldn't get motivated.
What changed it for me? I got active. I paid for a year at the local gym and then I went there and got a program designed for me to follow. I didn't 'try' to make friends, I just smiled at people who looked in my direction. Then I said 'hello' to the ones I had seen a few times (who I knew had seen me, too) and so on.
The strange thing about depression is it makes you feel weak and listless, but it's a lie. I would go and think there was no way I could lift this or push that and it just wasn't true.
Get the endorphins moving. It will make such a difference.
Cheers!
Hey Lucy.I read through some of your earliest and latest blogs and although it's doubtful that anything I can say isn't something you've heard before or thought before, I would like to make some observations, just in case.
First, I think some part of you realizes that you are much more socially ept than you give yourself credit for. Every birthday you have, there are always labmates and housemates and family that show you they care about you.Also, note how many people write in your blog.Even if you don't acknowledge it, there are a lot of people who probably want you to open up to them. I think perhaps even for most people, it is easy to go out and have fun and get along with everyone, but for a great deal of us, there will only be a few people to whom we really feel we can relate, and that's really hard to deal with, but it's also ok, and even normal. I'm in no way saying you're not allowed to feel how you do, but maybe if you realize that there are so many people that feel this way too, you'll have a better time accepting yourself. This isn't really coming out how I wanted it to but if it helps at all, I know so many people who have been on meds, who have been in psych wards, comas from suicide attempts and drug overdoses, and the most normal of my friends have just graduated college without ever having been in any romantic relationships, and haven't even gotten to the point of holding hands, etc. So, I guess all I'm saying is, I hope you can see that you aren't as alone in the world as you think you are, and I hope that's even remotely comforting. There are simply people who are observers, and people who are the actors on the world's stage, and there are the mundane, and the artists and scientists who transcend that. I recently read a quote about what most people don't realize is that some of us expend tremendous amounts of energy just to be normal. Really there is no confined reality, it's all just our perceptions, and reality is merely the small space in which everyone's perceptions overlap, so you're at perfect will to create your own reality, and even delude yourself, because sometimes just playing the part makes it start to be real, ex. if you smile, after a while you'll start to mean it, if you let yourself. As for people judging you (at some point you mentioned not even being able to say your taste in music without fear of being judged), it's inevitable that people will judge you, but it's usually worse for the person who is judgmental, because they don't have the eyes to see any better. The people who care about you won't judge you so much (they will a little, sure, but not in anyway that will stop their feelings for you), and they are the only ones who matter ultimately. I guess that's all I've got to say and it probably wasn't helpful at all, but I hope you know you're not alone.
anonymous, thanks for your comment. I'm glad you're feeling better now. I haven't had great results with exercise. I tend to feel better for a very short time afterwards, but then quickly go back to the same feelings (even when I was going to the gym daily). It would be better than doing nothing, though, certainly.
my cup of t, your comment really was helpful, thanks :) You're right that I'm very lucky to have a lot of people who care about me, but I feel like I can't take credit for that being anything to do with me, somehow. I've been thinking of writing a post about that, actually. You're also right about how well it can work to just pretend to be the way you want until it comes true, but I have trouble stopping the abusive voice in my head telling me how evil I am for "lying" to people. I need to think about this some more, so thanks again!
So true about the steps!
I think once we realize there are always more, it becomes easier.
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