you shouldn't encourage me
I keep thinking that tonight I'll write one of the blog posts I've been thinking about (or even just a book post, if that's too hard) and then I'll go to bed early enough that maybe I won't be quite so tired in the morning. Unfortunately, I just end up playing stupid games over and over and over until I can't keep my eyes open, hating myself more with each new game.
Why am I even writing this? You don't need to read yet another whiny, self-pitying post. I guess I want to connect with someone again somehow and every time I complain about feeling miserable, I get lots of supportive comments... Of course, if I actually post this I'll hate myself even more for trying to manipulate you into being nice to me. I'm sorry. Telling you I'm doing it doesn't make it any better. You should wait until I post something with actual content and reward me then, if I ever get around to that again. Obviously, I'm still hoping for comments, but if you encourage me, I'll never learn.
posted by Lucy @ 10:28 PM
9
comments
9 Comments:
Oh, I so know this feeling. I worry about posting stuff about being unhappy because I feel like I'm just angling for supportive comments. But if you're feeling sad, people want to know that, too.
(And I've totally done the game-playing thing before, too.)
I'm going to comment anyway, because I don't like to think of you feeling lonely. But if you like, next time you post something more contentful I'll comment twice :)
I keep not succeeding in going to bed early either. Why is it that in the mornings, the idea of going (back) to bed is so appealing, but by the evenings it's lost its lustre?
Sigh.
I know this feeling as well. Somehow posting and commenting for me is is a bit of a release and is always reflective of how I am feeling. Somehow, it makes me feel better to connect to people in my own reclusive way.
Do you feel like this as well?
Some of us write late-night posts on our blog hoping for comments as a way of feeling connected to others, and only differ from you in being less up front about it. Anyway, I continue to root for you.
Yes, yes, yes. I can relate to every part of this post too--the looking to connect, the hating myself for just playing computer games endlessly. About the games--I know that I tend to do that a lot when i have a lot of things I need to process mentally--video games are really helpful for processing things in the back of your mind. And why do we blog, if not to connect with other people?
I tend to use games to just block all the things I should be doing/thinking about, so that not even the back of my mind can process anything useful.
I also still want to go to bed in the evenings, I just can't let myself for some reason. Not until I've got up to level 13 of tetris at least, because then I'll feel satisfied and able to like myself...
It does make me feel better to connect with people, but then I feel guilty for having manipulated them into being nice to me.
Um, Lucy? We're not being manipulated. We're commenting because WE LIKE YOU.
I'm listening to your thoughts, Lucy, on what you perceive as the manipulation of others toward the gaining of their friendship but then (and so?) the concomitant sense of guilt in doing (and actually desiring) just this doing. Very complex knot here, indeed. Only thing I'd say, I guess, is that w're always affecting and influencing others, whether we're present or not, and that this is not any kind of manipulation (at least not in and of itself) as much as a function of our being in the world with others.
Phantom, I think that's a lot harder to accept...
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