I still suck

The barbecue wasn't so bad, after all. Maybe one of these days I'll learn that these things are never quite as bad as I think, and not bad enough to justify hiding in my room. I still spent the whole time trying to find someone I knew to stand next to, so that I didn't look like a loser standing by myself, and then trying to look like I was enjoying listening to the conversation so it wouldn't matter that I had nothing to say, and then the group would disperse, so I'd worry that the person I'd latched on to would get annoyed that I was following them around and I'd have to find somebody else, except that I didn't know that many people, so I had to keep going back to people I'd already followed around for a while. I guess it was good to try to be sociable and score some points with my housemates (or at least erase some of the black marks), but it's not like everything turned out better than I expected and I had a great time, so that's probably why I'm never more encouraged the next time these things happen.
The lowlight was definitely when a housemate was described a friend, who was quiet and stayed in his room a lot and seemed not to like anyone, as being like me... Which sparked off the long-running joke (I hope it's a joke, at least) that I actually hate all my housemates but none of them would ever know, because I'm incapable of ever saying anything negative about anyone. I never know how to react to that. I said I didn't hate them, but I always feel like I'll sound insincere if I say anything more positive. Plus, it's probably close enough to the truth, in that I don't think the housemate I don't, in fact, like knows it, although I'm pretty sure he doesn't like me either, so it's easy enough to avoid him entirely.

I was fantasising about living on my own today. I don't think I could actually do it, though. I would feel bad telling my current housemates that I wanted to move out, even though I think they'd be happy enough to see me go (or maybe not. They always seem happy enough to see me when I do emerge from my room, but I'm convinced they're just trying to be nice, because there are many reasons I would hate to live with me. Being convinced they don't like me probably doesn't help anything, too).
It's also somewhat like my reasons for not quitting therapy, in that I feel like as long as I live with people, the possibility exists that I could be sociable, and maybe I'm not now, but at some point in the future I might be. Whereas if I lived by myself I would be a complete hermit and I'd never have any friends. It would also be a lot harder to give the impression to those at home that I have friends and am okay and not a completely anti-social freak, if I lived alone.
They're not great reasons, I know, and I'm doing a disservice to my housemates by not being happier about living with them or wanting to spend more time hanging out with them, because they are lovely people.