therapy sucks, or more likely, I do

I did end up telling the therapist by email that maybe it would be easier for me to talk over IM, rather than in person and she said she'd look into it. Today she said that it wouldn't be possible, because of something to do with their computer system.
I was already feeling just about ready to give up on the whole therapy process before I went today. I'm just wasting both our time, going to appointments just to sit in silence. Last week, I said I was feeling a bit better in general and I was leaving lab earlier and eating proper meals more (I'm making it sound like I actually talked, but really all I said was "better" when she asked if things were the same or different, and then nodded when she asked about the other things). She also asked if I was doing anything with friends and when I nodded, she got so excited. I felt bad, because it's not that anything's different. I may have been hiding in my room for the vast majority of the time, but I'd still do things with housemates/other people occasionally. She just happened to ask about it at the right time. That's the problem, though. Since I don't talk, she has no way of telling what's really going on, unless she, by chance, asks the right yes/no question.
She also asked if I thought the therapy made it easier to do things with other people, if I felt better being supported, or reminded to connect with people. I felt bad, but I had to say no. I know I should be more engaged, but it really seems to have no relation to the rest of my life. Actually, I just found it patronising when she suggested the week before that I make it a goal to plan some activity with friends, and it was unrelated that I did end up doing something.
This week, she asked about what I did and who I went with and then I got confused. She asked if I felt like I'd made some closer connection with the housemates I went with. Should I have made closer connections just from going to the beach with people? Particularly since I've lived with these people for 2 years already. Are closer connections meant to happen just from spending time with people? I don't get it.

She still keeps asking every time if there's something I want to talk about, or what I would like to do in the session. Does she really think one day I'll come in and just start talking in complete sentences?
I feel mean posting about her, because it must be so incredibly frustrating for her to have to deal with me not talking (and lately I keep getting there late) and she has been trying to think of different things to try. It's just that I'm kind of frustrated too, because it seems like she doesn't quite get the key fact that I can't frickin' talk. I know it's impossible for her to understand when I can't explain anything (although I've partially tried by email), but surely a year of someone sitting silently in your office would suggest that just asking questions isn't going to work.

Well, I guess she realised that today, too, because she started talking about how there's no point continuing to try something that obviously isn't working, but she didn't have any new ideas of anything different to try, so it sounded like I should just stop coming.
That's basically what I've been thinking, but if I stopped seeing her, I'd never be able to start again, and I thought there must be something that could help. They're the experts - I assumed they'd figure something out, eventually. So, really, it wouldn't make much difference to me to stop going, but if the reason is there's nothing they can do, then that's pretty depressing.

But then, I'm back to thinking it's my fault she's giving up, too. Towards the end of last year, she gave me some tables to fill in of when I felt anxious and what I was thinking at the time. I put off filling them in until the last minute and then trying to fill them in made me so incredibly anxious that I couldn't do it. I tried to answer the questions about why the forms made me so anxious, at least, but when she asked about them, I said I couldn't do them properly and didn't show her what I'd attempted and she never asked again. But it still seemed like something that might be useful, unlike the "visualise a happy place" and relaxation exercises she was trying more recently.
Plus, I avoid thinking about therapy outside the appointments (and when I blog about it) and I've been showing up late, because I can't convince myself that I really have to leave now. I don't think it's quite passive aggression, but I've definitely been resistant for a while.
So, I feel like I should've said something (or still should say something) to give her a better idea of what's going on. But then, if it were that easy, wouldn't I have done that by now? Or am I just sabotaging the whole process?

She did push once again for the anxiety program that does phone screenings. Apparently, they can do the screening in person, but I'd still have to arrange that myself. Does the fact that I wish she'd just call and make an appointment for me mean I'm not ready to do a group therapy kind of thing? Because even if I made it through the screening, it would involve talking in front of other people. Unless, is it possible they wouldn't make me talk? I have no idea if I could do that or not. I can imagine going and being able to talk and it being like a real life version of the online support group I was in, when it actually was a support group, but then that's the fantasy version. Far more likely is that I'd just sit there like a rabbit frozen in the headlights, trying to be invisible.

I was feeling quite okay until this morning. Then after my appointment I had to stop twice for comfort food on the way into the lab and I've been banging things around and being generally sullen and unhelpful all day. I suck.

(Yeah, I know this has no organisation or coherence. Sorry about that)