cognitive dissonance
It's probably very obvious from this blog that I don't have the greatest self-esteem in the world, or indeed any to speak of. Yet, somehow I have to reconcile my view of myself with the fact that you people keep coming back to read what I've written. I would explain it away by assuming that you're just here for some entertaining train-wreck gawking, except that I think all of the comments and off-blog interactions I've had with bloggers have been supportive and positive. So, I'm left with a choice between all of you having somewhat impaired judgement and me being wrong. Normally, I'd be very willing to accept that I'm wrong, but not in this case, when that would invalidate my whole worldview. The other alternative, however, doesn't seem to work, either, because I think you're all very cool and intelligent people.
In real life, it's much easier to dismiss the idea that anyone might like me, because nobody gets to see the real me. I can accept that people might see me in a better light than I do, but only because I'm careful to hide anything that could possibly give an unfavourable impression. I'm not claiming that this blog is a completely accurate portrayal of the real me, but Lucy definitely puts an awful lot less effort into appearing “normal” than real-me does. Which makes it all the more mystifying that anyone seems to like Lucy.
I could still claim that I'm just leaving out some key fact that reveals how unlikeable I really am, and you're just being deceived by the way I appear to be so open. This option seems the most believable to me, because there does seem to be a difference between what I think I'm writing and what it seems like you're reading. There must be something I'm taking for granted that needs to be spelled out in order to have your opinions match mine. I'm just not sure what.
Maybe I shouldn't be worrying about making everyone think as badly of myself as I do; maybe I should be trying to act more like Lucy in real life. I'm not sure I can deal with people appearing to like me in real life, though. Here, I can step back and give myself a chance to rationalise it away before responding. My immediate reaction is more likely to be to stare at the person/screen in befuddlement and/or turn bright red and in real life both of those are likely to make me feel even more uncomfortable.
I was kind of hoping that writing about this would help clear up some of my confusion, but I don't seem to be going anywhere with this. I guess my real confusion comes from the fact that I really don't understand how other people see me. Do I have to just assume other people's views are more accurate and objective than my own? Is there any way of reconciling the two without shattering my worldview?
posted by Lucy @ 9:41 AM
6
comments
6 Comments:
Nobody gets to see the real me
Isn't that one of the great mysteries of the world, though? Nobody ever sees the "real" me, either, not all of me, and I doubt anyone ever will; they will only ever see such fraction as they can see.
And is that any less me than the one inside my head? I wonder.
I have an unfinished post on a congruent topic. Maybe I should finish it.
You don't have to assume other people's views are more accurate, but they probably are -- in the sense that it's their opinion, and, well, they're more likely to know their opinion.
And unfortuately, there probably isn't "any way of reconciling the two without shattering [your] worldview."
Well, I guess I should say, that if you find one, I'd like to hear about it.
I don't think you have to reconcile those two views because they aren't the only two explanations at work here.
The internet/blogs/online communities have always been a place where I could be more open. Why? Because like is drawn to like and others are sharing deep parts of themselves too. Who is going to call me a nerd in a group full of sci-fi enthusiasts, or academics, or people obsessed with the same band that I am?
I know I read your blog because I can relate. My self-esteem is crap. I don't trust people in "the real world" because I've been burned too many times by former friends. But if someone on the internet burns me...I can just stop reading them, put them on ignore, stop emailing etc. There is much less risk out here on the internets.
That's my theory anyway.
There are two reasons I read your blog.
1) I like you.
2) I can totally relate to just about everything you write about, and it's always nice to know that one is not alone.
pjm and wolfa, please finish your posts :)
I know that the self I present to other people, or the view they have of me, is never going to match the way I see myself, and none of those views is the one absolute truth.
Sometimes I can see how people are interpreting something differently, but a lot of the time I feel like that guy in mallrats who just can't see the sailboat in the magic eye picture, no matter how long he stares at it.
I'm late to the party, but I just wanted to add one thing, aside from the whole enjoyable "what's the real you?" line of thought.
Maybe people who read your blog see more of the real you than you think. Maybe people see some of the flaws that make you think you're not likable, and maybe we just don't care. Nobody's perfect, and everybody knows that their friends have flaws. People just see way more good in their friends and don't consider those flaws to be important to their friendship.
Just a thought.
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