I just figured something out
My worst social-interaction-based fear isn't actually just that I'll say something stupid and the person I'm talking to will think I'm an idiot/a freak/worthless etc; more specifically, it's that I might say something that reveals that I'm completely disconnected from reality.
I really don't trust my perception of anything. I don't use people's names, because I'm never sure enough that I have it right. Even if I'm emailing someone for the millionth time, I still have to go back and check the spelling of their name or any other relevant details, in case I've remembered them wrongly. If I use a figure of speech in writing, I usually have to google it first to see if I'm making it up. If I refer to something that I think the other person should also have first hand knowledge of, I'm always terrified that I've just imagined it and they're going to stare at me blankly and think I'm insane.
I can think of examples where it's come true, e.g. when I was 18, two of my friends were talking about a nightclub they wanted to go to, except I heard the name of the club as the name of a play that was on at the time, and said "oh yeah, I heard that's good. My mum wants to go, too" and they stared at me blankly and didn't say anything, because obviously they thought I was insane enough for it to seem perfectly reasonable in my mind that my mother might want to come clubbing with us (to make it worse, the name of the club and the play were actually nothing alike, but it took me until after the conversation had moved on and it was too late to explain, to realise what I'd said wrong).
I think this is why I hate, hate, hate trying to have a conversation anywhere loud. I end up saying absolutely nothing, because I don't trust that I've heard the rest of the conversation correctly to be able to say something that makes sense. I read a paper on selective mutism that suggested some kids might actually have problems deciphering speech when there's background noise. I wonder if I should get my hearing tested.
I have no idea where this fear comes from. I could blame my brother, perhaps. When I was 3 or so and my brother was 4 or 5, my mum found some rubbish stuffed behind a bookcase and after we both denied being responsible, she told us we couldn't have breakfast until whoever it was owned up. My brother managed to convince me that he didn't do it, but since we were hungry, I should just say it was me so that we could have breakfast. I actually believed him! Even though I knew it wasn't me and there wasn't anyone else it could've been.
Maybe it's not his fault I was so gullible, though. I was also convinced for a long time that I'd gone horseriding once as a kid, which I think was based on a dream. Maybe I just really do have a tenuous grip on reality.
posted by Lucy @ 2:31 AM
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9 Comments:
I do that too! I'm very concerned that I don't really understand situations and that my actions are going to be inappropriate and that people will think badly of me. For me, it's that I tend to be distracted a lot of the time - drift in and out of group conversations (because I get bored, I think) then realize I'm not positive that we're talking about what I think we're talking about.
What's helped for me is getting older and gaining some confidence. I don't mind asking people to clarify and though I still hate to say something wrong, it's usually OK. Everyone does it - most people with whom you'd want to associate wouldn't dream of thinking badly of you for it. But I really understand it's hard.
The last point I wanted to make is that it's this exact situation that means I won't often comment on blog posts. I wonder if I really understand what someone is writing, so I hate to write something out that's lame or silly, then let anyone read it.
But you, dear Lucy, are so smart and thoughtful - I'm so glad you tell us what you're thinking. And I hope that something happens to make your daily interactions with people a bit better.
I've found that when I do say something completely insane because I missed the context or misinterpreted what people were talking about, people are really willing to make a joke of it, given the chance. So laughing at yourself can help, because everyone else laughs too, and the moment has passed. And I kind of like having a reputation as the person who is likely to say totally random things at inopportune moments.
But that only works if you work out that there's been miscommunication within a few seconds of it happening, and I too have had my fair share of "realise later and bang my head against the wall while wincing at my own stupidity" moments.
We all have a tenuous grip on reality. The difference is between those of us who recognise this and the people who don't. You, Lucy, belong to the good sort.
OK, so what would happen if people did believe or realize that you have a tenuous grip on reality? What would you lose?
Lucy, we all do this. And I'd imagine it would be even harder in a place where the accent is considerably different than your own.
But perhaps you could use that to your advantage while you're here, and make a joke out of it. As in, "Oh, sorry, I didn't understand you; I'm still trying to learn to speak American!"
But really, we all misunderstand spoken language. Only recently I thought I heard someone say that their sister was visiting, so I said, "Oh, how wonderful." Turns out that the sister had just died, and the speaker was using some unfamiliar term for "passed away" that I didn't hear correctly. Oops. Big oops.
I'm sure you haven't done one THAT awful, right? :)
Oh, but those times are awesome! At least when they happen around friends. When people mishear or have a brain misfire, it usually leads to a lot of laughter all around. In front of strangers or people you're trying to impress... well that's another story.
Also, childhood memories are funny things. There are some memories that I can absolutely picture in my mind... except I'm not sure they're real. I know they happened, because people told me so, but I don't know if the memory I have is genuine or fabricated from the stories I have heard.
Two things. The first is, as everyone else has said, this happens to most of us, at least some of the time. I mumble, so I'm often badly misunderstood even when I haven't heard things wrong. But I hear things wrong frequently enough that I sometimes joke that I have aural dyslexia.
Secondly, though. Without being any kind of expert on theories of child development, I'm guessing that feelings of competency at social interactions are learned through repeated interactions with one's parents and siblings when one is very young. I see it with my own kids. Everytime they are properly understood when they communicate with me, it boosts their confidence a little bit more. And everytime I can't understand what they're saying, or tell them that what they're saying is wrong or meaningless, it crushes their confidence a little bit.
If, as a child, you were always being misunderstood, or told that you were doing things wrong, you didn't make any sense, or you didn't know what you were talking about, then you'd probably grow up to believe that you were utterly incompetent at human discourse.
It's a theory, anyway. Test it on your available data and see how it works ;-)
Post-doc, I worry about leaving comments too, and often regret commenting in haste, or write a whole comment and then delete it without submitting it.
Terminal, ouch! I'm not sure I can blame the accent, though, since I did similar things just as often at home.
I think it would be easier if people did just laugh, but I think I generally seem far too serious or anxious or something for people to tease/laugh at me.
Phantom, I'm not sure it does fit available data, or maybe I don't have enough data. I can see how I might have learnt to doubt my social competency, but I'm less sure how I became convinced that things I remember are likely to be wholly imaginary.
I'm glad to see that other people are commenting that they do this too, because honestly, I sometimes wonder if I'm the only person who Googles phrases that I really do know because I think I'm wrong about them, or uses someone's name and then is mortified that I might have used the wrong one. So yeah. Me too. :)
Yeah! Me too!
That must be why blogging is so nice; one has the chance to in fact confirm what one is saying.
(Well, okay; so read "me" for "one".)
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