anti-social
After deciding today that sitting around reading was a perfectly good way to spend thanksgiving, I got an email today from one of the C'landers inviting me to their lunch. Now I'll probably end up going, but wishing I were alone at home.
I spoke to my mum on the phone this morning and I think my feeling that sitting around reading isn't an acceptable activity is due to how inadequate I feel when she asks what I've been doing. After being unable to come up with anything involving actual activity, I ended up telling her about the dead squirrel... I should really do stuff. I'm pretty sure I've asked this before, but what do other people do with all their time? I guess work would be a good answer...
Part of not being able to think of anything I'd like to do is my general apathy, but I never did very much at home, either. I was in a choir, I guess, which I've attempted here, but was too slack and socially anxious to keep going to. I think the only real difference is that I used to occasionally have dinner or go to the movies or shopping with friends. I haven't been doing anything with friends here, except for occasional outings to specific events.
When I think about doing something with a friend, it seems like too much effort, which is sad. At the same time, I would love to hang out with blog friends. The difference is that with RL friends, I expend an awful lot of energy just pretending to be happy and normal and productive, whereas y'all already know I'm none of those things. Of course, after pretending I end up feeling like a complete fake and even less close to the person I've been hanging out with, because I've basically been lying about myself the whole time.
The obvious solution would be to admit some of my many failings in real life, of course, but that's not so easy to do, when the people I know are all so much more normal and productive than me, or if they're not they hide it well. It's also harder to convince people that my self-deprecation is not mere exaggeration. My claims of not getting anything done are met with disbelief either because I spend too much time in lab (they don't seem to understand that non-work can be done in a work location) or just because they're sure I'm fine. I haven't ever tried to tell anyone about my anxiety or depression etc, since I've been so successful with talking about those problems in therapy...
I don't mean to suggest that I think all of you aren't also far more normal and productive than me. I didn't start out pretending to be something I'm not on this blog, though. I just started whingeing about being miserable and somehow that wasn't enough to keep people away. It's hard to believe that strategy would work in real life. Besides meeting new people also seems exhausting. Why can't more of you just live near me?
I guess I just don't understand how to be myself or connect with people in real life. Anyone have any suggestions for me?
posted by Lucy @ 10:55 PM
4
comments
4 Comments:
I think that sitting around reading is a perfectly acceptable way to spend your free time, and much more so than how a lot of other people spend (waste) theirs :) Why is reading less acceptable than, say, shopping? Or gossiping? Or... hmmm... I think maybe I have a problem with knowing how "real" people spend their time too.
I sometimes wonder about that, actually. I spend most of mine blogging, sleeping, reading, playing computer games, and doing chores. Not really very interesting. But the people I know in real life on the whole seem to spend their time in equally boring ways---they often just have less "free" time because they (a) are workaholics (b) have children or demanding pets (horses and suchlike) (c) volunteer to do lots of boring useless stuff (sitting on committees, etc).
I only know one person who seems to have an interesting life in her spare time, and she takes lots of classes (furniture making, pottery, painting, knitting, languages, etc), goes to public events and places (lectures, museums, festivals), and spends any time left-over hunting down bargains in vintage clothes shops or antique bookstores. Plus she's into the whole alternative home-grown music scene, so is always going to very funky sounding gigs and concerts.
I sometimes envy her for how cool her weekends and evenings sound in the telling, but in real life, I think I'd rather be curled up with a book or DVD.
We can be losers together :)
I think you may find that women are more understanding of depression and anxiety, but that doesn't mean I go around telling all my acquaintences about my experiences. Just recently I found out that myself and two of my good friends from college were all very depressed around the same time, and none of us knew what the other two were going through. Three years later this is coming out. Imagine how supportive we could have been for each other?
You could start by saying you've been feeling kinda blah and apathetic lately and see how people respond. Might be a good way to find a sympathetic ear you can actually talk to :)
Styley, I know it's a perfectly fine way to spend time, but I would like to interact with people occasionally as well.
Honeybee, my feeling of horror at the thought of actually saying anything out loud made me realise I probably won't be doing that any time soon...
Listen whatever works for you works....if you are ok with it....and sometimes I think you are and sometimes I think you aren't. Pretending can be exhausting - I think you don't give yourself enough credit.
Since you know where I am in real life....want to come visit in December while I house sit??? You can be your real self and see how the other half lives - the person who is so open with her feelings for the most part that she probably annoys the crap out of people.
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