distracted

I know I have zero points so far today and it's already afternoon, but I'm too distracted from this morning to work and I'm hoping blogging about it will help.

I had a therapy appointment this morning for the first time in about 6 weeks and it was just as pointless as usual. Last time I saw her she suggested leaving it a month so she had time to consult with other people she works with and hopefully get some new ideas. I'm not entirely sure what the result of the consultation was, because today she suggested just “checking in” once a month. I think that might be a polite way of getting rid of me, since I can't imagine how it could possibly be helpful.

She asked how I've been feeling and about the medication I stopped taking in July. I said I'd been feeling better, which is true, but then the rest of her questions made me feel worse again. Basically, despite not feeling miserable, I'm still fairly non-functional. I'm still hiding in my room, avoiding my housemates, rarely eating real meals, staying up too late, getting to lab far too late and not doing any work when I get there. I am trying to change some of that, so maybe I shouldn't be so discouraged, I guess. It was hard not to be, though, when she got all concerned and asked again if I'd been feeling “unsafe”.

She still seems to think medication would help, and tried to convince me to see the terrifying psychiatrist again. She always asks if I'm “open to” doing whatever she suggests and I really, really wanted to say no, but I didn't want to explain why, or have her tell him that I didn't want to (I really hate that they talk to each other and see emails I've sent to any of them). I tried to convince myself that maybe it would be helpful to see someone who wouldn't just let me sit there in silence, but it was so horrible last time that I couldn't say yes, either. Instead I just sat there silently digging my nails into my fingers until she gave up on getting me to answer and just made the appointment for me. I'm already thinking of cancelling it.

I'm not at all convinced that medication is likely to help, since it didn't even make me feel less sad, before, and my not getting anything done now isn't even related to feeling sad. I know there isn't really anything else they can do to help, though, since I won't talk.

I went to the procrastination group again this week. I don't think it's all that helpful, since nobody else there seems as bad as me. I have talked, which I guess is good, even though I could feel my face turning red every time I opened my mouth.

Maybe I should try the social anxiety group, although that doesn't seem like my worst problem at the moment, either. Although, if it could help me talk about the other problems, I guess that would be good.

Am I actually depressed, though? Or just lazy and unmotivated?