lucy, the evil, heartless bitch: part seven

previously on LtEHB

You probably weren't expecting another update so soon, but I feel like finishing the story, especially since I think the part six might have been the hardest to write. I think I keep getting more evil, though.

I flew to the US the day after S left for another C'landian city. I had recruitment activities at Prestigious U for 3 days, then I was going to stay and explore the city for another few days. S was looking forward to spending more time with me, and I was already dreading the point when I would have to tell him the truth about how I felt.
The recruitment weekend was fun. Sharing a hotel room with a stranger wasn't a horribly awkward experience. I liked the other students and actually felt like I did okay socialising with them. I did feel uncomfortable when people asked where else I'd applied, or why I wanted to come to the US, but that was fairly minor.
I'd planned to call S on the Saturday night, after all the activities were over, to make arrangements to meet up with him the following day. I hadn't thought ahead to realise that I'd be sharing a room and wouldn't want to call S in front of someone else, so I didn't call. I could've made an excuse to go out and find a pay phone or something, but I really didn't want to talk to S, so I just gave in to my avoidant urges. I don't think I slept at all that night. Partly because I felt guilty about not calling S when I said I would, but mostly because I didn't know what I was going to do about telling him things weren't going to work out between us. My roommate had to leave for her flight at 4am, and I gave up attempting to sleep after she left and just read. I thought about calling S then, but assumed, or at least convinced myself, he'd be asleep (I had a feeling he would've preferred to be woken up, even if he was, but again I was avoidant). I did get a couple of hours sleep after finishing my book at around 7am, and then finally called S even though I was wishing I could just keep ignoring him. He was understandably upset that I hadn't called, but he forgave me easily, which made me feel worse.
He showed me around the city and took me to see some of the places he'd told me about. I didn't write about this in the previous part, but it was very sad to do some of the things we'd been talking about doing together and have it not be at all like I'd imagined or hoped. It was even sadder because I think S was just as happy to be with me (or almost) as he'd expected. I was still avoiding telling him how I felt because I thought it would be better to let him be happy as long as possible, but I don't know if I made it harder in the end.
Finally, I decided that the second last night I was there was the latest I could put off telling him the truth. We'd been watching a video at his apartment, so at least we were in a private place. I don't remember what I said exactly (I've tried to avoid thinking about it), something about how I just didn't feel the way I'd thought I felt before we met, and I'd been hoping I would feel that way after spending time with him, but I didn't. He was devastated. He tried to convince me that I should give him more of a chance and maybe with more time I'd want to be with him again. I had to keep saying I didn't think that would work, feeling more and more evil and heartless with every repetition. I felt like I was kicking a puppy. Or rather slowly torturing it to death... If I'd known how to put him out of his misery with one swift blow I would've done that, but instead it took months to kill the last of his hope.
His apartment was kind of far from where I was staying, and I'd planned to get public transport back there, but when it came time for the last service to leave, S didn't want to let me go. He still thought he could change my mind, so he said he'd drive me back once we finished talking. When it finally became clear that I wasn't going to relent, he was too upset to drive, so I slept on the couch in his living room. I didn't sleep much, though. I spent most of the night listening to S sobbing in his room and crying and hating myself for hurting him so badly. At one point, I heard S come back into the living room. I thought maybe he was hoping I'd regret what I'd said after hearing how upset he was, but I couldn't face him again and just kept my face hidden under the covers.
In the morning, we barely spoke. I kept apologising, knowing it wouldn't make anything better. I hugged him goodbye and left, thinking we mightn't see each other again and hating myself for not really minding. I looked back at one point and saw him watching out the window as I walked away.
When I got back to the place I was staying, I slept for a couple of hours, then went out sightseeing again. I saw some cool things and had an enjoyable day, all the while feeling evil for not being as miserable as S presumably was.
The next day, I was flying out fairly early in the morning. When I got to the security screening area, S was there waiting for me. I think he was hoping for some romantic movie scene where I'd realise my mistake and go running back to him. Instead, I was just disappointed that it wasn't going to be ended as easily as it had seemed. My ability to remain steadfast in the face of someone else's wishes, already sorely tested, did crumble slightly, though, and I agreed to try to be friends and see what happened when I came back to start grad school.