self-disclosure quiz
When someone asks "what have you been doing this week?", what's the correct level of detail to answer with? What if the someone is my mother? A friend? An acquaintance?
(a) Nothing much.
(b) I went to a housemate's orchestra concert on the weekend, but otherwise just the usual labwork and stuff.
(c) I went to a housemate's orchestra concert on Saturday and some of us made pizza on Sunday with a friend who's leaving. It was another housemate's birthday this week, so we had cake for that. Then, I had my photography class tonight.
(d) I went to a housemate's orchestra concert on Saturday and some of us made pizza on Sunday with a friend who's leaving. It was another housemate's birthday this week, so we had cake for that. Then, I had my photography class tonight. This week we had to take photos of our street; next week we're doing portraits. I'm still going to the gym everyday and I'm taking this boot camp class, which is pretty painful, but getting slightly easier. The other grad student in my lab is away, so it's been pretty quiet in lab. It was my turn to present a paper in the class I'm taking and it was a really boring one, unfortunately.
(e) I went to a housemate's orchestra concert on Saturday. We wanted to go to this restaurant we've been meaning to try for the last several times we've gone to concerts, but we lost a housemate temporarily and didn't make it, yet again. We might go to an opera performance there next week and try again, though. Some of us made pizza on Sunday with a friend who's leaving to go to the UK for a few months. It was another housemate's birthday this week, so we had cake for that. I helped one housemate make the cake on Tuesday. It was apple-muffin-spice cake and very yummy. I had my photography class tonight. This week we had to take photos of our street, but I couldn't find much to take photos of. I took a photo of a tree reflected in a puddle, that I liked, though. Next week we're doing portraits, so I have to find someone to let me take their photo, or I could just take photos of random passers-by. I'm still going to the gym everyday and I'm taking this boot camp class, which is pretty painful, but getting slightly easier. I'm kind of enjoying the class, but I'm not too upset about having to miss the one tomorrow. The other grad student in my lab is away, so it's been pretty quiet in lab. I didn't do any actual experiments this week, because part of the lab was shut down for renovations, but I'll have more to do next week. It was my turn to present a paper in the class I'm taking and it was a really boring one, unfortunately. The presentation was fine, even though I apparently misunderstood one of the figures (or the professor did; I'm not convinced I was completely wrong).
(f) even more detail?
(Assume the longer ones are broken up somehow, so they're not just monologues)
My mum called me last night and I was quite pleased with myself that I managed (b), instead of (a), since usually my mind goes blank and I just end up wondering what the heck I have been doing with my time. (c) is the most detail I ever manage; I had trouble even figuring out what to write beyond that.
I find it hard to believe anyone would be interested. My mum always asks what I've been doing, as if she is interested in more detail, and I'm sure she is, yet if I pause to think of something else to tell her, she'll continue where she left off with her (f)-level description of everything everyone she knows has been doing. Maybe if I made a list like this beforehand, I would have more to say to her, but I would still have trouble saying it, without any kind of positive feedback indicating she is actually interested.
My housemate was asking about my project the other day and for a while I was answering with my usual contentless generalisations (I can't admit how much I suck to my housemates, either, especially since this one is graduating soon), but he kept asking specific questions, so I ended up saying more than I meant to about how I'm frustrated at my project being so ill-defined and my advisor changing his mind all the time (and then I regretted it, because he got all concerned that I'm never going to graduate so I felt even more pathetic). In talking to him, I realised how little I ever tell anyone about anything. You blog-readers get far more detail about my life than anyone else, probably, but I don't even blog all that much. I never talk about personal stuff, but I hardly talk about anything else that's going on with me, either.
My brother used to get sick of me not saying anything and then get even more annoyed when I couldn't think of anything interesting to say on demand. I never think I have anything interesting to say, though. I'm happier just listening to other people talk, usually, except that then I feel awkward when people notice how silent I am. How do you figure out what would be interesting for other people, or how much is appropriate to say without seeming weirdly quiet, or taking over the conversation?
posted by Lucy @ 1:23 PM
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comments
9 Comments:
This is something I have also struggled with, particularly when I was younger (i.e. your age). My sense is that it's not so much that other people are more knowledgeable about how to make conversation as that they are less fearful of making errors or being shut down. Which is to say that other people did not grow up in homes in which the lines of communication flowed one way only, when opening your mouth to say something would either get you criticized or ignored.
You know, sometimes when I read your posts I actually feel slightly lucky that my mom is clearly malevolent and straight-up nuts. It makes it a little easier to tease out what happened to me when I don't have to try to impute benevolent intentions to her, as you do with your mom.
Wow, I could have written the first part of this post. I also say (a) or at most (b), and then settle down to listen to my mother answer with (f). Then she'll tell everyone that we had a wonderful conversation about everything I'm up to lately!
As for making conversation, if I can say this without sounding conceited, I think I'm quite good at it, but I NEVER fill a conversation with details about myself and what I'm up to. That just feels wrong to me. I know people who do it, and who (unlike my mother) pull it off quite well. But I can't.
My way of having lively conversations is to (a) ask lots of questions about the other person (this is easier if you know them well, because you can ask about specific things---"So how was that concert you went to?" "Have you heard back from X yet?" or "How are you surviving your mother's visit"---rather than making small-talk), (b) talk about more general, non-personal things (the news, gossip about people we know, etc) and a few semi-personal but amusing or interesting anecdotes (things that have just happened to piss me off, funny things I overheard, "OMG have you tried the Chinese place on the corner? I went there last night and it was incredible!" type statements). If I get desperate, there's always the weather.
But the point is, you can make a lot of conversation and come across as not at all quiet or withdrawn without sharing any really personal stuff or even anything about your feelings beyond the most superficial level.
Of course I can't do any of this with my mother, because she doesn't let me get a word in edgewise beyond the initial, "What have you been up to?" "Nothing much. How about you?"!
I tell a lot of stories about blog people, "A friend of mine ..." and as long as they never ask how I know the friend, it's all good :)
But I wanted to ask, if you therapist asks what you've been doing, which one is your response? :)
Well, I would say (a), or maybe (b).
Hearing from people? Friends, d, probably, though e and c are also fine. My mother, c or d (but I have a very different relationship with my mother than you do). Acquaintance? a or b.
This is just what I think tends reasonable, though the reality is that I don't actually care all that much if it's more or less detailed. I assume people have their reasons for telling me details (or not telling me details).
I do not actually ask questions, because I do not answer them, and it feels unfair.
But also think: c takes, what, 5 more seconds to say than b? Even if people aren't interested, they are then not interested enough to notice you've said 3 more seconds than the minimum and just don't care. And if they do like you, then talking is nice, and babbling (like e) is an endearing trait. No loss either way.
Of course, it's easy for me to say this to someone else.
Phantom, yeah, maybe I would feel less guilty about complaining about my mum if I didn't know how upset she'd be if she realised how I felt. Or maybe not.
Styley, my mum thinks I'm a fabulous conversationalist, too.
Shrinky, a mumbled (a) is usually all the therapist gets, at best... I'm really not exaggerating how little I talk to her.
Thanks for your suggestions, but I actually wasn't wondering so much about making conversation. I can at least somewhat get by with asking questions and making impersonal comments. I was wondering if never saying anything about myself is one of the reasons I never feel like I get beyond being just acquaintances with people.
Other people don't just talk about the weather all the time, do they? I feel like anything beyond (c) is demanding too much attention for myself (obviously this doesn't apply to other people). I don't usually say that much without someone persistently asking me questions, and then I feel bad about seeming like I don't want to talk at all.
I'd generally respond with b) (or maybe c) if I know the person quite well) and wait for follow-up questions to make sure the person's actually interested... sounds like that's what happened with your housemate.
Ooh, this is an interesting post. i can usually never come up with more detail than b). I have always suspected that I have some form of generalized anxiety disorder or Asperger's (don't ask me why) and that is why I cannot come up with anything to say.
I came to your blog from someone else's blogroll this evening, and I already love you. You report exactly what the inside of my head looks like and (sorry if this isn't helpful) I'm rather older than you, even if I have embarked on yet another graduate school career.
I think what I'm gradually realizing is that it is OK to take up space. Yes, people will feel more intimate with you if you reveal more things about yourself--it allows them to feel OK with occasionally admitting to foibles or even having emotions, lives, activities. However, people who were raised like I was (and apparently you too) have meters for revelation that are not well-calibrated. I worry about giving too much detail when (as people have told me) I usually give too little, at least for people to assume I have an interest in them or a modicum of trust.
I'll look forward to reading more. And happy birthday.
Kermit, yeah, but it took me a while to realise that the extra questions were a sign he was interested and I should stop trying to give non-answers.
Allie, I've wondered about various diagnoses myself.
Klondike, thanks. :) I know that really getting to know people requires letting them get to know me, too, but I can never figure out how to do that appropriately.
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