alternative thoughts 5

Wednesday:
SuperGradStudent was defrosting a freezer that had lots of my old stuff in it. I should've noticed that needed doing and done it myself, or I should've at least helped, or at least moved/sorted my own stuff. I was supposed to sort it out a while ago. I'm so lazy and unhelpful. SuperGradStudent must hate me.
Alternative: I'm having trouble finding an alternative to this one... I guess calling myself names doesn't help, anyway. I can try to notice things that need doing better in future. SuperGradStudent probably doesn't hate me, although he would probably appreciate help.

I went to the knitting group I hadn't been to in a long time, but when I got there I couldn't see anyone. Should I sit by myself and see if anyone else shows up? Will they think I'm a loser for sitting by myself? Am I supposed to know that it was cancelled or moved? They'll think I'm an idiot for not knowing.
Alternative: It's okay to sit by myself. If they show up, then it wasn't cancelled or moved and I can join in; they probably wouldn't think anything about me being by myself. And if it was cancelled or moved, they won't show up and know that I didn't know so they can't think anything bad for that, and they probably wouldn't anyway.

There was leftover free food from a seminar, so I got some dinner. I'm not part of whatever the food was for; I shouldn't be eating it. People will think I'm weird for eating it. What if someone notices and tells me off.
Alternative: I'm a grad student; people expect us to take advantage of free food. Plus everyone else who walked past was taking some. Nobody is going to notice or care.

Thursday:
I went to a group meeting for a group that I hadn't been to before. They're going to wonder why I'm here. Should I have emailed to check that it was okay for me to come? Am I intruding? There aren't enough chairs; I'm taking up someone who really belongs here's chair. I shouldn't have come. I had to introduce myself and say what I'm working on. My project sounds lame and I didn't explain it properly and they're going to think I'm an idiot. And they probably couldn't even hear me because I can't talk loud enough.
Alternative: I went because they sent an email to my advisor announcing the meeting, so they must want new people to come. Someone found extra chairs; I wasn't keeping anyone else out. My project isn't lame. I might not have explained it the best possible way, but it was okay. And they would've asked me to repeat it if they couldn't hear.

I sat by myself in the seminar because nobody else from my lab was there. I sat close to the front because I was trying not to be avoidant and hide at the back. And also there was a whole row free so I could avoid thinking about whether I should sit right next to someone and invade their space, or leave a seat empty and rudely imply I didn't want to sit near them and also make it harder for other people to find seats. The professor from the class I was taking sat next to me. Am I supposed to talk to her? I said hi and then just concentrated on eating my cookie. I'm so pathetic and rude.
Alternative: She probably didn't want to talk either and the seminar started soon enough, anyway. I did say hi, at least. Choosing a seat is not such a big deal. Other people probably don't even notice where I sit.

On the bus to the anxiety interview, some people asked if they were on the right bus. Then later they asked more questions about where they could get off. I answered their questions but I don't think I explained very clearly. I probably confused them and they must think I'm an idiot. I was getting off at the same stop. Should I have showed them where to go? Or been friendlier, since they were obviously tourists?
Alternative: They understood what I meant in the end, so I can't have confused them. They were probably just glad I could answer their questions. I think they would've been okay once we got off. Maybe it would've been nice if I'd showed them, or been friendlier, but I don't have to talk to strangers.

At the anxiety building, someone got on the lift with me and pressed the button for the floor I was going to as well as her own, without me saying anything. She obviously realises I'm an anxious freak. She must think I'm a loser.
Alternative: She was just being nice. Probably the clinic is the only place people who don't work there go, so I didn't necessarily look like an anxious freak for her to know what floor I needed. If she works in this building, she probably isn't judgemental about people who go to the clinic, anyway.

During the interview. She must think I'm pathetic for being anxious about that. Or stupid, for not remembering dates and not being able to explain things properly. I keep not talking loud enough so she has to look to see if I'm nodding or shaking my head. She must think I'm a freak for even being here.
Alternative: The things I'm anxious about are listed in the interview book because lots of people are anxious about them. She's used to people who are anxious about all kinds of things. She wouldn't think I'm a freak for that. She's probably used to people not being able to talk loudly, too, and at least I was talking and answering her questions.

Friday:
The postdoc asked me what I thought about his new data analysis and while I was answering the workers next door started making a really loud noise so I had to talk really loudly to be heard. He's not going to be able to hear me and he'll think I'm annoying for not speaking loud enough. But if I speak louder the workers will probably stop and then I'll be shouting and people will notice me. I'm not confident enough about what I'm saying that I really want to say it louder. And I can't get out of saying anything at all, because then he'd think I'm weird for not being able to talk over the noise.
Alternative: Even if I wasn't saying anything worthwhile, it doesn't help to say it quietly. He knew the noise was hard to talk over, so he probably wasn't thinking anything bad.

I emailed someone to ask for a file I needed and when she sent it, I realised it was the same one she'd already sent me, I just didn't notice there were multiple worksheets. She must think I'm such an idiot.
Alternative: Everyone makes mistakes sometimes; it's not a big deal. I'm sure she didn't think anything terrible.

Seeing a new post on an RL friend's blog show up in google reader. I should have emailed her. I suck. I'm such a terrible friend. Why would she want to be friends with me, when she has all the far better friends the blog is really written for?
Alternative: It would be better if I'd emailed her. I can do that soon. She sent me the link to her blog and she was happy to see me when she visited here, so I shouldn't try to make her not want to be friends just because I don't understand why.

Someone asked if I wanted help feeding my cells. I'd forgotten when I was supposed to do that. I said no, because I didn't want to make someone wait around for me to figure out what I was doing, but I probably already messed up her plans or something. I should be more organised. Or I should just do everything myself and not bother people.
Alternative: She was probably happy to not have to help me. It would be better if I were more organised, but I don't need to do everything myself. It's okay to get help sometimes.

Saturday:
I just logged on to instant messenger and the person I wanted to talk to logged off before I could say hi. They must have seen me log on and not wanted to talk to me. They don't like me anymore. I shouldn't try to talk to anyone because I'd probably just be bothering them. Alternative: It was probably just a coincidence that they logged off right then. I shouldn't read too much into it. And it's not good to always wait for other people to talk to me or they might think I don't want to talk to them. They can tell me if they don't want to talk.