alternative thoughts 6

I feel like I didn't really see or talk to many people this weekend, so I don't have so many anxious thoughts to report.

Saturday:
Should I go out and talk to housemates? I don't really want to. It's easier just to stay in my room.
Alternative: If I want to talk to them, they'd probably be happy to chat, but they're probably not thinking anything bad about me if I don't.

I did take my laptop into a common room in the evening, though. Another housemate was working on her laptop. She has a habit of talking to herself, especially when something goes wrong with what she's trying to do. I never know if she's really just talking to herself and would be annoyed at being distracted by comments or questions, or if she wants people to ask what happened. I asked how her day was, but am I meant to keep talking? Can I go back to reading blogs or whatever I was doing or would that be rude?
Alternative: She was working too, so I probably don't have to talk. And she would probably say something directly if she wanted to talk about whatever she was talking to herself about, or keep making cryptic comments until I asked. Actually, maybe I can even blame her for less-than-stellar social skills!

I'd completely forgotten that I'd asked to be included on an outing with this housemate in the evening and ended up going into lab so late that I couldn't make it. She's going to think I'm an idiot for forgetting, and for being in lab on a Saturday night, again. I hope the other people she was going with are still going and I haven't messed up her plans.
Alternative: She had said she'd let me know the plan, but only called me half an hour before they were leaving, so maybe it wasn't entirely unreasonable that I wasn't prepared to go. I don't think I would've forgotten if we'd made specific plans. And the other people did go, so I didn't mess anything up.

Sunday:
I was knitting while waiting for the bus and two women next to me were talking, then one asked what I was making. I wasn't sure if she was talking to me, but who else would she be talking to? I answered her and she commented on it, then her friend asked a question, not to me, and they went back to talking between themselves. I thought the friend was asking me something, at first, so I was looking at her, trying to figure out what she meant, until I realised she wasn't talking to me. She probably thought I was weird and trying to eavesdrop or insinuate myself into the conversation or something.
Alternative: They started talking to me, first, so they probably don't have very strong feelings about conversational privacy. She probably didn't even notice me thinking she was talking to me, anyway.


Someone asked me where a landmark was; it was just a block ahead of where we were, which I said, but I forgot to explain the different entrances depending on where she wanted to end up. I was walking in the same direction for a bit, wondering if I should say something. She had headphones on, though, so I didn't want to bother her. Plus, she could probably figure it out for herself, so I'd just be disturbing her, or she'd think I was a weird, over-talkative stranger.
Alternative: She probably would've appreciated the information, or at least been polite about it. But she was probably fine anyway, so I shouldn't worry.


I actually did almost the exact same thing as last night, with forgetting that I'd said I'd go out for dinner with a housemate who didn't get back to me with plans until the last minute, when I was stuck in lab again and couldn't go. I suck. I need to keep track of things better. I always complain about not doing fun things with friends and then I mess up opportunities like this.
Alternative: I keep track of things usually, especially when there are actual plans. I can work on making sure I don't miss out on fun things in future.


Monday:
The guy in my lab who's even quieter than me had a bunch of questions for me about an experiment he's doing that I do a lot. He seemed apologetic about asking me and then very grateful for me showing him where everything was. I must be making him feel bad for asking. Do I sound like I'm annoyed? Was I too brusque in answering his questions? I hope he doesn't feel bad for bothering me.
Alternative: Maybe he's having the same anxious thoughts about bothering me that I have when I need to ask people questions.

Someone had to help me with a piece of equipment that I hadn't used before and I underestimated how long it would take me to get things set up, so we didn't start on time and then she had to stay late. I should be more organised and not waste people's time. She's going to hate me and never want to help me again.
She also made a couple of mistakes with the machine and I thought I saw what the problem was, but she's supposed to be the expert, so I didn't say anything. I don't want her to feel bad, especially after I made her late and she's probably flustered. But would it be better to say something so she doesn't waste more time looking at the wrong thing? I don't want her to think I don't think she knows what she's doing.
Alternative: She probably doesn't hate me. She did offer to help again, if I need it. I can be better prepared in future.
I'm not sure about the second part. Is it better to say something or not?



Tuesday:
I needed the robot someone else was using, so I had to ask when she'd be done. She probably thinks I'm being demanding and expecting her to hurry up. I should've planned ahead and figured out when it would be free somehow.
Alternative: At least I asked, instead of being too scared to bother her and just stalking the robot. I did explain that I wasn't in a hurry, so she probably didn't feel rushed by me asking. There isn't a calendar for the robot, anyway, so I would've had to ask, even if I'd planned ahead.



I was trying to do the alternative thoughts in my head for a couple of days, but I don't think that was such a good idea. I did notice several interactions where I wasn't so worried about what people thought and was able to just chat, which was nice. I should really read the book again and figure out what the next step is, too.

Friday:

Someone was helping me analyse data and asked me to do something with the software that I didn't know it could do - something I'd been wishing it could do, since I thought I had to do some long, painful process to work around. I'm such an idiot. I've been using the program for years and I didn't know it could do that. She must think I'm an idiot.

Alternative: I didn't think the person helping me on Monday was an idiot for not knowing everything the machine did, so she probably doesn't think that about me. And now I know how to do it, so that will make things a lot easier.



I was just tempted to email the people in my program who I'd like to be friends with, who I had dinner with a while ago, and then haven't gotten around to contacting again. I didn't finish the email, though, because, surely if they were interested in being friends with me, they would've contacted me? I was pretty quiet last time and just listened to them talk mostly, too, so they'll probably think it's weird that I want to do that again.

Alternative: They seemed to enjoy it when we had dinner before, so they'd probably be happy to get together. They can just talk to each other, anyway. And I did have the occasional thing to say.



Saturday:
I went to an outdoor concert. I knew the person who invited me and a couple of the other people she invited, but not super well. I don't have anything to say. They all know each other much better; they don't want me trying to butt into their conversations. I should be friendlier, though, or they'll think I don't like them.
Alternative: I had some things to say; I don't have to talk constantly. Just because they know each other doesn't mean they dont' want to talk to anyone else. I wasn't rude, so they probably don't think I don't like them, unless they have their own too-negative thoughts.

My house had a bbq. I was going to invite people, since I'm not so miserably depressed anymore, but I kept putting it off, because I didn't know who to invite (see yesterday's thoughts about inviting the people in my program to do something). I was thinking of avoiding it entirely so I didn't reply to the email about making plans. I'm so lazy, I'm not going to contribute anything and everyone will think I'm rude and antisocial. I could just buy some stuff when I go grocery shopping, but I'll probably get the wrong thing and everyone will think I'm stupid or something.
Alternative: I did buy some food and drinks and it was fine, so I shouldn't worry about it.

At the bbq, I didn't really know anybody much. I could just follow the couple of people I know around, but I have nothing to say to them so they'll just think I'm weird and get sick of me. I could try talking to someone new, but they're all talking to other people and I have nothing to say. I want to go hide inside, but then they'll think I'm weird and antisocial.
Alternative: Other people didn't know anyone either, so they might be glad to have someone to stay with, even if I don't have much to say. The people I dont' know could be feeling like that, too. And I could go inside, other people did that and nobody thought they were weird.
It was fine, anyway. I did talk to some new people and had fun, even if I did end up hiding at the end by cleaning up.