anxious thoughts
The first exercise in the Overcoming Social Anxiety book is to record your thoughts and feelings when you're feeling anxious so you can start to recognise patterns and work on changing them. I'm going to try to do that on here for a while.
Friday:
Work-related retreat, ie a day of listening to talks about a topic I might work on in the future, but don't know now. I didn't know anybody there, except a post-doc I owe reagents to and a grad student I haven't seen in a couple of years, so I just went back to my lab in the breaks instead of staying in the retreat area. I can't talk to anyone because everyone else there already knows people and I have nothing to say and I don't even know anything about this topic and I'm not even a real scientist. Am I supposed to be networking? How do you even do that? People don't seriously just start talking to strangers, do they?
Someone who's been helping me stopped by to ask if I had results from my last experiment. I hadn't analysed them yet. She must think I'm lazy and slack and incompetent. I am all those things...
Saturday:
Sending an email asking for the phone numbers I lost when my phone drowned. I'm such an idiot for putting my phone in the wash, and besides, it's not like I ever talk to any of these people on the phone (or at all, barely), so they're going to think it's weird that I want their number.
A housemate told me she talked to the instructor of the bootcamp class I was taking at the gym and mentioned me. The instructor said I worked hard. More likely that was the most encouraging thing she could think of to say, since I was the slowest/weakest/least coordinated person in the class. Also, I don't want people drawing attention to me. What if I see her at the gym? Do I have to talk to her? Will she feel bad that I didn't like the class enough to sign up again?
Chatting online. I have nothing interesting to say. Why would anyone want to talk to me? This person is clearly going to get bored with me and never want to talk to me again.
Shrinkykitten posted an offer for a free facial and cleanser from Origins that involves calling to ask for it. I want free stuff, but I can't waste someone's time by asking for it and I would be embarrassed to go into the store anyway because I don't even wear make up and they would think I'm a loser or something for that, or just wasting their time, and maybe I'd have to make conversation and I suck at that. Plus, it's not like I'm going to buy anything there, so I don't really deserve free stuff.
Labels: people are scary
posted by Lucy @ 1:59 PM
10
comments
10 Comments:
i'm so feeling your last paragraph
I wondered if the Origins thing was bothering you. I used to have brutal arguments in college over who had to call for pizza. We all hated doing it. And I tried valiantly to sign up online for the free stuff before I resigned myself to calling. I also skipped my work retreat last year and hate talking on the phone. So you're definitely not alone.
I don't like to hear you so down on yourself. You're sweet and funny and smart and wonderful! I feel lazy and incompetent all the time - I hate hearing that you do too. I don't really have advice, but I do hope that recognizing and changing patterns works out.
Katie, I'm not actually feeling that down on myself lately. I can see why it would look that way, but really, I'm so much better than I was! These thoughts were only transient, at least. I'm not sure if that's encouraging, or if I should be more worried...
Anastasia, I'm sorry you share some of these thoughts, too.
In answer to your question, yeah, people do just talk to strangers. It's often stilted and horribly awkward, but what are you gonna do? I hate it, but sometimes you don't have anywhere good to which to retreat, and you're left with the stranger-talk.
A good thing about it is that you don't have the awkward feeling of standing around not talking to anyone (which can feel worse). Also, when/if you see the strangers again, they're not strangers, and the post-stranger talk is usually less awkward.
Hmmm...the recording-anxious-thoughts is interesting to me (obviously!). Are you seeing any patterns? Does it seem helpful (yet)?
(And I think the inside of your head and the inside of mine probably sound very similar...)
Sheepish, yeah, I can see how not talking to anyone would be worse, if you couldn't hide. I think I would feel even more awkward the second time, because then I would have my previous pathetic attempt at conversation to feel bad about as well as the current one.
Luckybuzz, I don't know if it's a pattern exactly, but "I suck" seems to be the major theme...
I too identify with the whole phone-calling thing! When I read Shrinky's post about the free Origin stuff, I thought, "Thank goodness I'm not in the USA, or I'd have to have the whole angsting-about-making-a-call self dialogue."
I am glad to hear the thoughts are only transient, anyway. Would it help to also record times when you have a social interaction without anxious thoughts (or with a minimum of them), and then compare them to see what's different, or does that never happen?
I'm so sorry. I had no idea that posting that would upset so many people. I'll be more careful from now on.
Shrinky, it's okay; don't apologise! (for me, at least) I was glad to know about it, and I might actually have called later, if the stores near me weren't both closed until Fall for some reason.
Styley, I'm not sure I ever do have interactions where I'm not anxious at all. I'll have to look out for that possibility, or the least anxious interactions, at least.
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