97 years exactly
My grandmother died today. It was her 97th birthday. When I saw her just two months ago, she was kind of frail and not able to see well, but it seemed quite plausible that she'd live to be 100 or more. At the same time, though, I knew it could well be the last time I saw her. I'm glad I got to spend that time with her, even though I spent a lot of it feeling pathetic that I didn't have much to talk about. I did get her to tell me some stories about moving from the UK to C'land, and back, multiple times (each voyage taking months at sea), but I still feel like I missed out on learning about her interesting life. I'm still not sure whether she spent time in India, or whether that was another family member.
My mum called to tell me while I was still at the lab, and she was more obviously upset than me. She was worried about whether I'd be able to make it home okay, and if I'd have someone around to look after me. I haven't even told anyone here. I felt bad enough that I didn't really react on the phone; I don't want my housemates feeling bad for me, and I'd just feel like I ought to be displaying outward signs of grief so they won't think I'm unfeeling and heartless.
I'm sad, but it's not a shock, and she had a good long life. I guess I should at least be feeling bad about missing the funeral and being with family, but really I'm relieved... My hatred of funerals has, shamefully, outweighed my concern for friends who've lost loved ones in the past sometimes, so while I'd like to show that I care, I'm glad not to have to go.
On that matter, should I send flowers or something? I'm not sure if that part of my family would think it was pointless and wasteful or not...
I haven't spoken to my Dad yet. I'm not sure if I should contact him. I didn't right away, because I wasn't sure if he knew and it felt wrong for him to find out via Mum, even indirectly... I guess I should try calling him, but I don't know what to say (reason #1 I hate funerals).
posted by Lucy @ 10:24 PM
11
comments
11 Comments:
I'm sorry. I'm glad you got to see her recently, and I bet she was glad to have seen you as well.
As for flowers, my take on it is that they are for the living. Dead people don't appreciate them. So if it makes you feel a part of the funeral to send flowers, do it. For yourself. Or if there is someone in the family who is especially upset by the death (e.g. your mother, aunts?), then sending flowers to THEM to cheer them up is nice. But I don't think you should feel you have to do it just because it's a custom.
I was the one who broke the news about my grandma to my father. I just sent a brief email to say, "I don't know if you have heard, but grandma died today" and then the details about the funeral. He wasn't real close to her, but she had been a part of his life for many years, so I thought he should know. And he said he was glad I told him, and did end up going to the funeral, although he hid at the back of the church.
I hope you are able to decide what is best for your Dad. And what is best for you, too.
Take care.
Thanks, Styley. It's actually my Dad's mother who died, which is why it's weird that Mum was the one to tell me. My Mum is currently agonising about whether or not to go to the funeral, since my parents are divorced. I think she's going to send flowers, anyway. I was thinking of it more as a way of being involved from so far away.
I'm sorry, Lucy. I'm glad you got to see her and spend time with her recently.
I think sending flowers is a nice idea.
Oh, Lucy. I'm sorry to hear this.
Regarding what to do. Everyone mourns differently, and you can't take away the pain. Sometimes the presence of other loved ones, in person or on the phone, can be comforting, but I really don't think there is any "right" or "wrong" thing to do here.
It's really nice that you got to spend some time with your grandmother recently.
I was going to say the same as Sheepish... I wouldn't think there is any right way to handle this. Do what feels right to you.
I'm sorry, Lucy. I agree that there's no set way to handle these situations and that you should do what strikes you as right. I'll be thinking of you and your family.
I'm so sorry for the loss of your beloved grandmother, Lucy. Like others have stated, there is no right or wrong way to handle these things. Just do what feels right to you and what feels right in your family. I'll be thinking of you all.
(o)
Thinking about you, Lucy.
I'm sorry for your loss. I'd agree with Styley's advice.
I'm so sorry about your grandmother.
I am so sorry for your loss. I just now started getting back into reading blogs and came by to see what was going on with you. Wanted to say hello.
I know what you mean about funerals. I hate them as well. Some people say that a funeral allows us to say goodbye. I always felt that they were more an exercise in torture for me.
Take care.
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