wallowing
I just got home from a graduate program-related weekend and I'm feeling fairly crappy. I was going to do something useful once I got home, but instead I've just been playing scrabble badly and feeling like crying. I don't think I'm quite so pathetic as to be really crying over losing at scrabble, but I'm not sure what my problem is.
I started the weekend feeling pathetic about my social skills, because I hardly talked to anyone on the bus there. Parts of the weekend were a lot better (I talked to people sometimes, including the keynote speaker, and went to one of the after parties) but unfortunately it ended the same way.
Seeing my classmates presenting their results when I have nothing to show was kind of depressing. It wasn't exactly reassuring to learn that 30-50% of them are on anti-depressants and several are thinking of quitting, but I did feel a little relieved that I'm not the only one.
The people I emailed back in May who never responded to my suggestion that we get together didn't mention that, but did say we should organise something, so I guess they don't hate me... I still didn't have much to say to them, or anyone, though and numerous times found myself standing/sitting alone. I tried joining groups of people, but I still ended up on the periphery just listening.
I thought maybe blogging would make me feel better, but instead I'm feeling worse. I shouldn't focus on the negative things, I guess. The fact that I'm such a crappy blogger now, isn't helping. Nor is listening to my housemates chatting, while I'm hiding in my room. I should find something to do that will make me feel better, but somehow it's more appealing to just wallow...
Update: I went to the gym and am watching baseball and now I'm feeling better. Housemates were watching the game when I left so I thought I'd watch the end with them, but they had all disappeared by the time I got back. I did hesitate to come downstairs and watch by myself, but it's better than hiding in my room.
posted by Lucy @ 7:44 PM
4
comments
4 Comments:
I've done some wallowing myself lately. And retreats are excellent ways to make people feel badly about themselves, so I really doubt you're alone in feeling sad right now.
You're smart and capable and lovely (and a wonderful blogger! I don't read garbage.), so I'm sorry that you're feeling down. If it helps, think of progress you've made since last year. I find comparing myself to me (rather than other people who are more together than I am) helps. People I've met and loved, projects to which I've contributed a little, books I've read, places I've gone - all those things make time seem well spent.
But I'm sending hugs just in case nothing else helps.
Here's what passes for middle-aged wisdom, which would have done me no good at your age, either:
You are who you are. Circumstances require you to have housemates. OK. You are not a chatty, sociable type. OK. The world seems to be dominated by extroverts. OK. You are not bad or defective if you aren't chatty and/or extroverted.
Don't apologize. Don't apologize to yourself or anyone else for being who and what you are. You need more time to yourself. You are not "out there." You are not "chatty." These are all perfectly OK things. Trying to conform to the extrovert "standard" will only result in a kind of bravado-based persona that defies reality. It is hard to sustain for very long. Been there.
Be you. Respect you.
End of assvice. And ditto what post-doc said.
Katie, comparing myself to where I was last year is also enough to make myself depressed, unfortunately... I guess I have done some work, though.
You're right that there are many good things that have happened, outside of work, in the last year, though. I should focus on that.
Thanks for the hugs. :)
KathyR, thanks for the advice. I know you're right. I'm partly feeling bad because my inability to talk makes people think I'm not interested in being friends, when I am. I'm not really trying to be an extrovert, but I'd like to be less anti-social.
Welcome to the Crappy Blogger Club! I've gotten over caring about being a crappy blogger by viewing it as a hobby. Your interest in a certain hobbies waxes and wanes over time. You'll come back to it and blog more when you feel like it.
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