asking

I talked to my dad the other day and he asked what I wanted for Xmas. We always made Xmas and birthday lists in my family, which made shopping much easier. I wouldn't mind if other people still did that. I don't think I would be as good at making a list as I used to, though, possibly because I can just buy pretty much whatever I want myself and anything that's too expensive for me, is also probably too expensive for my parents. I realised that the risk of my Dad getting me something I really don't want was not insignificant (although he has gotten much better), though, so I tried to think of something I could ask for. I finally remembered that I'd thought the gorillapod flexible tripod was pretty cool, so I thought I could suggest that.

I had thought that they were around $20, but my camera is big enough to need the SLR size, which is $40, which is apparently over the threshold of making me feel uncomfortable asking for it*. I was just going to not ask for anything at all, but as I was thinking about the last several presents he's given me in order to gauge the risk of getting something I wouldn't want, I realised he probably spent at least $40 on them, so I asked. I did have to balance the list out with several cheaper alternatives, though.

When I was 11 or 12 and really wanted a walkman, I asked for a radio instead, because I knew the walkman was too expensive. Of course, when I got the radio I was disappointed because it wasn't really what I wanted. My brother, on the other hand, asked for the walkman, and got it.

Trying to judge what I can ask for without unduly (i.e. at all) inconveniencing or imposing on the giver is a more general pattern. Mostly, I don't feel like I deserve any more than that. It does have the advantage that I get to control the compromise. I probably would've been more disappointed if I'd asked for a walkman and got the radio. Then again, I probably would've been telling myself not to expect as much as I'd asked for anyway. I like being self-sufficient and not needing to ask for things, but I think that can be socially isolating. I know my mum would love to be able to give me exactly what I want, but I don't usually give her the chance. I meant to shift to talking about non-material things, but I was still thinking about presents; I think it works either way, though.

I can see the advantages for asking for what you really want, but in watching my brother demand and get a lot more than I would in many circumstances, I could also see that he got a lot more resentment, and felt more frustration when he didn't get everything he wanted. Being quiet and undemanding got me rewards, too, even if I felt unnoticed a lot of the time. I'm sure there's a balance somewhere between my brother and I, but I still feel like I belong on this side of it. It's safer here, anyway.




*One of my housemates asked if I'd received lots of presents from my family and after I told him my dad was only just wondering what I'd like, he suggested I ask for an iPod. Ha!