freak, not idiot

Last week at group therapy it was my turn for exposure (i.e. to be made anxious). The first time, they were running late so I didn't go through the whole thing they did for everyone else, where they got the person to list the automatic negative thoughts that arose and come up with rational alternatives and specific goals for the exposure. The exposure itself was also kind of lame: I just had to answer questions people asked, which were mainly about C'land and very easy.

This time, they suggested for the person ahead of me that they could set up a couple of people in conversation and make her interrupt and join in. The idea of that made me anxious, so I thought I could suggest that if they asked me what kind of exposure would work for me. Instead their idea was to make me have a conversation in front of everyone about how I was feeling and what I was anxious about. The exposures are meant to make you anxious, but not too anxious. Talking about how I feel is the most anxiety-provoking thing for me, so I wasn't sure I could do it. I tried to convince myself I should try, because I hadn't really done any kind of exposure to what I'm actually afraid of, but I think it was really too hard. I ended up trying not to cry and unable to talk, anyway. The exposure ended up being me just sitting there crying, digging my nails into my fingers, being incredibly embarrassed at being such a freak. The therapist tried to get me to talk by asking what colour things around the room were, which made me even more embarrassed because it felt so patronising (except that would imply that they were asking something ridiculously easy and it wasn't, it just should've been).

Eventually she tried suggesting negative thoughts and asking me to rate how close they were to what I was thinking, since I couldn't say what I was actually thinking. The only one that really seemed relevant was "everyone must think I'm an idiot". Then she tried to come up with rational responses, but the problem was that they were mainly about the fact that I'm at Prestigious U, so I can't be completely stupid. I wasn't really thinking I was stupid, though, just that I'm a freak, so the rational responses didn't really help with that.

One of the people in the group was surprised that I wasn't thinking "I can't cope with this anxiety", since I was obviously very upset. The anxiety was a result of imagining what people were thinking about me, though, and I knew it would go away as soon as they stopped focussing on me. The therapist has several times said it's brave not to run out of the room during an exposure, but for me it would take far more courage to move. My response is always to freeze and move as little and be as quiet as possible. I think the reason I can't talk when I get upset like that is because if I open my mouth, I won't be able to prevent my voice from betraying any emotion, or loud sobs from escaping. I don't know why that would be so terrible, since I was sitting there with tears running down my face so I clearly wasn't fooling anyone about how upset I was. Just part of my general desire for remaining invisible?

Today was the last session. I didn't have to do a big exposure, so it was pretty easy, except for the part where they let other people in to share the pizza and we were supposed to talk to them. At the end, we all had to go around and say what had improved over the course of the group and I was the only one who couldn't think of anything.

This group was kind of my last hope for improving, because nothing else has worked and this was meant to be the best treatment. Now I'm sad because I don't know what else to do. I know people who've done similar things and it really forced them to confront their fears and get used to them, but this group didn't work like that for me. It did help everyone else in the group, some of them dramatically so, but for me it seems like it was a waste of significant quantities of time, money and stress. Maybe the effects just aren't dramatic enough for me to notice, but I'm still disappointed. Partly I'm disappointed in the group, that it was so focussed on public speaking and that it was too easy to stay in the background of the group. Mostly, though, I think I should've tried harder and been more active myself. Although I'm having trouble imagining how I could've actually told them specifically what I needed to work on... I could have done more homework, but then, I could've done this whole course myself from one of the books I'd already read, since I didn't learn any new techniques or ideas. I guess I was hoping I would be held more accountable, even though I should be motivated enough to work on this myself, or that the presence of other people with similar problems would make me feel better about myself, instead of even more freakish.

Now I don't know what to do. The ordinary therapist I see suggested I join a group one of her colleagues runs, which sounded kind of weird, since it doesn't seem to have a theme. I was hoping that would seem more doable after the social anxiety group, but if people who supposedly share the same problem made me feel like a freak, I can't imagine how bad people who aren't even shy could make me feel.