back to blogging as therapy

When I first joined my lab, every time my advisor talked about his kids, something seemed kind of strange to me. Eventually, I realised that what I found odd was that he was so involved and interested in their lives. He often talks about finding fun things for them to do on weekends, or whether they're the right age for music lessons or if it's better for them to share a room or not.

I don't remember my dad ever being involved in any discussion of such things; it was always my mum who seemed to make the decisions and worry about them and try to get him to have an opinion. I'm kind of worried that I'm being unfair to my dad, because I obviously wasn't around most of the time when my parents discussed things with each other. I have tried, though, and failed, to think of a time my dad came up with his own plan for something to do with us. I do remember him playing with us sometimes, just not taking any initiative for planning things.

At one point when I was in primary school, my mum tried to get my dad to spend some quality time with each of us kids alone. It was supposed to be once a week or something, but I can only remember two outings: one to go swimming and one to play mini-golf. I was kind of relieved when they didn't become a regular thing, because I felt like I was wasting his time and taking him away from whatever he'd rather have been doing, if my mum hadn't forced him to take me somewhere. My reluctance to express a preference for any activity (because it was bad enough he had to spend time with me, I didn't want to pick something he didn't like on top of that) must have been pretty irritating, but I don't think he lasted any longer with my brothers, either.

I can't remember whether this was before, during or after my parents temporary separation when I was 10-11. I know I was convinced afterwards that he didn't really want to be there at home, based on his half-hearted announcement that he was moving back in. I just found out that he had wanted to leave when I was about one, too, so maybe he was unenthusiastic the whole time, which is sad for him just as much as for us.

I feel bad resenting him for not seeming to care, because I know he does love me. Maybe I'm being unfair because I always heard Mum's side of the story, and I've only recently started to notice how much interpretation she adds to the simplest event. I feel like I should be more generous and try to get to know him and let him get to know me, but it's hard when I'm not good at that to begin with and he's not great at encouraging it, either.

It doesn't help lessen my resentment that he's been sole parent for his step-son for a while and seemed to be far more involved than he ever was with us. I did get some slight, guilty satisfaction from how much he was looking forward to the step-son going off to boarding school.

Today, I emailed him, as part of my efforts to be better at keeping in touch. He replied this afternoon, wanting me to call him, and I felt bad that I wasn't more eager to do that (I never have much to say, and unlike my mum, he doesn't either, so it's kind of awkward). Then I read that he's training to lead workshops for teenage boys and their fathers and didn't know whether to laugh or fume.

I am kind of angry on my brothers' behalf. He didn't give much indication of caring about helping them transition to adulthood, when they were growing up. Dad did take one (maybe both) of them to some kind of men's workshop in the last couple of years (although his initial plan was to just send my brother on his own), but I'm not sure they'd rate his manly bonding/fatherhood skills highly enough that he should be teaching workshops.