better, slightly
Today was still difficult. I really didn't want to get up this morning, and then I really didn't want to go to the gym, so I sat around for a while (all those articles that say it's easy to get going once you're up and dressed lie). I did go eventually, though, and I still left the house by 9.30am.
Then, every time I tried to convince myself to do some work, I would start thinking about what I needed to do and feel so guilty about how far behind I am and how long it will still take to get the reagents that I should have ordered weeks ago that I kept giving up and going back to refreshing my scrabulous games. I managed to fill my day with enough lame "work" to get my star, even if things like printing out papers and finding files my advisor wanted didn't make me feel at all productive.
I really need to figure out how to stop feeling demoralised when I think about my project so that I can plan what I need to do. I don't know why this is so hard, when I was doing so well in January and even February. Another post-doc said, when introducing me, that I would be finished soon. Maybe the fact that I should be able to get lots of results and finish this project quickly is creating too much pressure.
posted by Lucy @ 10:14 PM
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comments
3 Comments:
I wish I could wave a wand and make the guilt disappear. But I think you are motivated to get past it.
(It wouldn't be helpful if I started another game with you, would it?...)
Articles that lie suck. :)
Research can be overwhelming and awful. I hope you find a way to cope - whether it's taking little steps or asking for help getting back on track or ignoring other people's timelines. Hang in there, Lucy. I'm sorry it's hard right now.
At some point, I had to quit looking at what I could have done with the time that went by underutilized and accept that the past was past and the only thing I could control was what I do right now.
So, order those reagents (spending someone else's money? Awesome.) without obsessing over what could have happened "if only I'd..." I know exactly how hard it can be to fight past the guilt, but just try to tell yourself that you can't change what's happened. But you can change right now.
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