need coping mechanism. now.
I just walked home in tears and am now shovelling food into my face while searching for something to read to distract me from how much I suck. It's not working though. I feel like there used to be something I could do to drown out the montage of reasons why I suck that's playing in my head, but I don't know what it could be. If you have any ideas, please share them. I don't really think blogging it all out will help this time, but I'll see how far it gets me.
I just got out of another pointlessly long meeting with my advisor in which he tried to be encouraging and just made me feel more hopeless and pathetic than ever. The guilt-inducing statements about how I've been working so hard have been replaced by even more guilt-inducing suggestions that it's time to learn how to be really efficient, since that's what will be required as a post-doc.
As if that wasn't enough, I also found out I don't get to go to Japan for a conference. Submitting an abstract has been my goal all year, and yet even that wasn't enough to get me to work hard enough. I was going to submit an abstract anyway (it's due next week), with the idea that I'd actually turn it into a real story before the conference near the end of the year, but after reading my draft, my advisor told me it wasn't worth it.
How can I not have enough data to even cobble together an abstract, two whole years after the last conference I went to? When the guilt at not being objectively productive gets overwhelming, I've been reassuring myself by comparing the amount of work I'm doing now with how much I was doing two years ago. It is more than it was. Clearly, though, it's nowhere near enough.
posted by Lucy @ 9:49 PM
9
comments
9 Comments:
come back we miss you everyone is in a really not working type place....
what Twirly said... you'll have company in your misery... and somehow that actually does help.
Also -- there are many perfectly wonderful people who have a hard time in grad school. I don't trust anybody who says that grad school was all sunshine and happy kittens. It isn't --- it sucks in many ways.
I've known many brilliant people who decided the stress and BS of grad school wasn't their thing. I don't think any less of them and neither would you -- So why beat yourself up over having bad time IN your program. It will get better, so try not to be your own toughest critic....
I have no advice, but just wanted to offer support and hugs. I'm going through the same "put in 80 hours per week, shit still doesn't work" period right now (come to think of it, I've been stuck in it for the past 2 years) so my sympathy goes out to you.
Chin up. We're all rooting for you.
Twirly, ItPF, thanks. I miss you, too.
EtBr, thanks, but that would probably make me feel better if I were doing more than 25 hours a week of actual work... I don't think I've ever done 80 in my life. Now you see why I feel guilty for not doing enough.
I've had all of two talks in conferences - one in grad school and once as a post-doc. Not so impressive considering the number of meetings I have to choose from. Oh, and I got 2 abstracts rejected from my Toronto meeting this year. So it happens to many of us - stuff doesn't work or the effort wasn't sufficient or whatever. You're smart and wonderful and lovely - please don't take this too hard. Just do what you can and hang in there. (And it sounds to me like this is a good time for a little vacation.)
*hugs*
I'm sorry you are feeling so bad.
As for ways to drown out the bad voices, try some of the following:
-reading escapist books (esp childrens' lit)
-going for a walk somewhere nice. (But if you're like me, you'll need music as well to distract you from your negative thoughts)
-playing lots of aggressive scrabble matches
-warm baths and hot chocolate - again, you might need music or books as well.
-going somewhere like a museum or an art gallery where you can spend all your time looking and thinking about external stuff rather than your internal dialogues.
Well I will volunteer to play Scrabble with you as per Styleygeek's suggestion...
I haven't progressed much with my thesis either for a long time now. I'm trying reading and taking notes at the moment, interspersed with watching DVDs. For me the DVDs are thesis related, and I know that's probably not an option for you, but the reading might prove helpful. I'm finding it's helping me keep productive in the sense that I'm actively thinking about my thesis in a learning way, even if I can't seem to make that turn into the requisite words on paper just yet.
I also suggest compulsive reading of PhD Comics, which has often been a life saver for me. Take care.
I know it doesn't help to hear this, but you are (and we all are) so much more than our jobs. you are fabulous and wonderful no matter what the outcomes are at work!
I love Styley's suggestions.
I tend to watch lots of bad T.V. or movies or call people on the phone or write about it to get it out of my head.
Ugh! Blogger error ate my comment. Anyway, I was saying that sometimes science is just really hard. Even if you work ridiculously hard, you may not get results if you have a hard problem (and haven't all the "easy" ones been done by now?) or if you just plain have bad luck. I guess it's impossible not to feel personally bad about your progress, but there are factors beyond your control too.
Sorry you're feeling so down. :(
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