help

It's been over two weeks since I got back from my five week holiday and I'm still avoiding getting back to work. I think the break was long enough that my will power has atrophied from lack of use. I didn't think about work at all while I was gone and I'm still not eager to do so now. In fact, every time I start to think about my research, my brain throws a tantrum and starts yelling "No! I don't want to!" until I placate it with another game of word twist and some chocolate.

So far, I've avoided seeing my advisor because he's only in my building one day a week. The first week, that was a holiday and last week he was leaving to take his daughter to an appointment as I arrived. I'm supposed to meet with him tomorrow and I'm not sure what I'll have to say for myself.

I was thinking that maybe my extreme reluctance to even think about science means I should finally accept that this isn't what I want to do and figure out what I would enjoy more. I've been very tempted to just tell my advisor that I don't want to continue in research so I just need to get out as soon as possible. Although, the thought of everything I'll have to do just for that is paralysing anyway. I've even been considering the possibility of just quitting now. I'm not entirely convinced that it's not just an elaborate double bluff to avoid dealing with the anxiety about sucking at it, though.

I've been trying to think of careers I might like more, but even if I did find another area I was more interested in, I'd still have most of the same problems, I think. I can't even begin to imagine how I'd cope with a job interview. I'm not a hard worker, I don't show any initiative, I'm disorganised, I can't talk about anything I've done in a positive way without feeling like a liar.

At our departmental retreat in October last year, my advisor asked me to go for a walk with him to talk. I was terrified that he was going to confront me about not doing enough work, but I started to relax when he asked about general project-related things. Once I was off-guard, though, he did confront me. He was very nice about it, but I still felt awful. He tried to get me to explain what was wrong, but it was just like a therapy session and I couldn't talk. He asked if I was depressed and I wished I could say yes, but it wouldn't be true anymore. Depression seems much less stigmatised than anxiety, like I could blame some neurotransmitter defect, instead of myself for thinking unhelpful thoughts. I did manage to say I haven't been as interested in my project as I used to be and that I wasn't sure if it was because I really wasn't interested or if I just didn't think I could do it properly.

If I could explain exactly what's going on, I'm sure he'd be understanding (ignoring the question of whether it's a good idea to share mental health issues with one's boss), since he made a point of saying he didn't care if I didn't want to go into academia, he just wanted me to be happy. In order to talk about my anxiety, however, a lot of it would have to go away first. I'm sure he was frustrated with me not talking, but I got frustrated that he kept saying I should just talk, as if it were that easy. He also gave me an excerpt of a book to read about how you have to try things you think are too hard in order to improve that also made me feel worse.

Before I left on my trip, he said the time away would be a good chance to reflect on what I want to do, so now I'm sure he's going to ask about it and I don't know what to tell him. The safest thing to do professionally would be to just say I'm eager to get back to work. Unfortunately, my behaviour so far this year doesn't match that sentiment, not to mention the fact that it's completely untrue.

Obviously, I have to figure out some way of dealing with my anxiety and other issues, but if you have any advice for the meantime, I'd love to hear it.