I feel like a neglected kid
Dear advisor,
Just how bad a grad student do I have to be for you to notice I'm struggling? Years spent depressed and barely doing a few hours work a week wasn't enough. Doing significantly more work didn't seem to register, either. Ignoring your emails doesn't bother you. Showing up at 1pm on the one day a week you're here or not coming in at all doesn't rate a mention (I stayed until 11pm and was working at the other lab, but you don't know that). You're fine with the fact that I still don't have slides to show you for a talk I'm giving in a week at a fancy conference.
Sure, it's nice having no accountability. I can come in whenever I like and read blogs all day. That's not getting me any closer to graduating, though (or getting you any publications). I know I pretend I'm fine and don't need you, but can't you see I really need some boundaries and guidance? It would help to have some sign you thought I was worth paying attention to. You say you want to start meeting twice a week, but I'll believe that when I see it.
Signed,
Your apparently 4 y.o. grad student
posted by Lucy @ 12:23 PM
7
comments
7 Comments:
I sort of want to cheer, reading this. Not because the situation is something to cheer about -- that completely sucks. But it is awfully nice to hear you identifying problems in your situation instead of jumping to the conclusion that the fault is all yours.
Phantom, immediately after hitting publish, I was already planning the follow up post in which I claim back all responsibility... Because my advisor isn't really supposed to be my parent, is he? And he has tried to get me to meet more regularly, he just doesn't follow it up when I avoid it. The avoidance is all my own fault, still.
Well, okay, he isn't supposed to be your parent, but you're not asking him to make sure you're eating your vegetables and wearing clean socks every day, you know? He *is* supposed to be guiding and mentoring you through the process of getting a Ph.D. I agree that it's not a major breach of professional ethics for him not to push harder if you don't respond to his initial inquiries. But I know far less functional people who have gotten past the barrier that you're at, due to having supportive, concerned people to pull them through it. You deserve that support, too.
But I will say -- based on my own experiences, back in the days -- that people in that situation are more likely to offer you the help you need if you are willing to open up to them about your need for help. The squeaky wheel getting the grease and all that. I was never squeaky enough, and I regret that.
Indeed, the role of a graduate advisor IS to get people through the program (although faculty never get any actual training in this skill!). That totally sucks, and you should get better advising. In fact, you should be getting advising, since what you are describing is a complete lack of advising.
Even Blogger agrees with me, as the captcha here is cries.
The truth is somewhere in between, of course. Advisors are supposed, well, advise students. And students are still learning - that's why they're not postdocs yet. I don't know what your advisor is like, but maybe he realizes things aren't right, but he doesn't know how to help you. Maybe he thinks he's doing the right thing by giving you space "to explore and make/learn from your own mistakes." Or maybe he really is kind of clueless about the situation. My impression when you say that he doesn't follow up on your missed meetings and deadlines is that he is so busy and frazzled that he doesn't notice right away and lets it slip through the cracks.
In the first 3-4 years of my Ph.D., my advisor would come by every day early in the morning to talk about what we were doing, and then stop by at 6pm or so on his way out to check in and see what we had done. With feedback and advice like that, there was not much room for getting lost. It was sometimes stressful, but I benefited greatly from that kind of model.
Phantom, I know another grad student has begged for regular meetings for years and even threatened to quit over the lack of guidance, so I'm not sure squeaking would have lasting results. I should probably try it, though.
Sheepish, I would get a lot more work done if someone were checking up on me like that. I did partly choose my advisor because he is very nice, because I didn't think I'd cope very well with someone demanding. It mightn't have been the best choice, though.
I'm sure he does know that there's something wrong and would like to help, but doesn't want to upset me or push me too hard.
Wow. Just wow. That puts it in a totally different context. I'm going with my guess that he's too busy to really notice everything that's going on in his labs. I bet it's a decent sized group, or perhaps he splits his time on other duties. Man, that really sucks. I get where you're coming from so much more on hearing that piece.
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