maybe I'll just stay here in my hole

I think I mentioned the other day that I needed to take tomorrow off, but I hadn't told/asked anyone yet. Well, I took that to the worst extreme by putting it off until after everyone left tonight. Not only that, but there's a heap of data analysis that needs to be done in order to set up something else tomorrow (I wouldn't have planned that short of a turnaround, but I ought to be dealing with it). I stayed late tonight trying to do some things, but now I'm going to be feeling guilty all weekend.
Anyway, what I really wanted to write about was the reason I'm not going to be there, i.e. my brother finally convinced me to do the cultish personal development course he's been raving about for over a year. He actually signed me up back in May, I think, but I've managed to find reasons to avoid it until now. I've been passive-aggressively avoiding returning phone calls for a while. I was almost relieved when they were missing a form earlier this week and thought they'd have to withdraw me from the course (yes! a responsibility-free excuse!) but that got sorted out, after all.
Part of the registration process involved writing down why I wanted to do the course and what I wanted to learn and you're meant to continually reflect on that to get the most out of the course. My reasons for doing it are a complicated mix of pressure from my brother and a history of not being able to resist his demands, and actual hope that it might be worthwhile. The flipside of those reasons, though, is resentment at my brother for pushing me into it and pre-emptive cynicism about the likelihood of it helping. Every time I've reluctantly called them back, I immediately get irritated at their upbeat, evangelical tones. I resent their constant demands to acknowledge that yes, I did sign up; yes, I did get the form; yes, I did send my form in; yes, I really am going to come. I even resent them using my name (my brother signed me up under the shortened form of my name, but I have weird feelings about strangers calling me that) and being all friendly and crap. I can feel myself turning into a sullen, surly 3-year old whenever I deal with them. Obviously, this is my problem, not theirs, but it doesn't bode well for the weekend.
The idea of the program is that all our feelings about events are based on the stories we make up for ourselves about what happens rather than the actual facts (eg she didn't call me back therefore she must hate me). I know logically that this is true, but I can see myself stubbornly clinging to my stories just because I can't admit that I've been wrong all this time. I feel like I've been miserable for so long that if it does change anything that will invalidate my whole life so far. Also, dammit, I'm a unique and special snowflake! My misery is real, not just a made-up story!
I realise it's stupid to resist something helpful, but that's what I've been doing my whole life. I'm also genuinely cynical about how I'm supposed to change my whole way of being in a weekend. I've read enough self-help to know exactly what my underlying story is and that hasn't helped me let it go, so far.
My story is that I'm not a real person; therefore, I don't count and I have no rights. Logically, I can see that's not a rational belief, but at the same time, I can't conceive of it not being true. It's so ingrained that I'm genuinely surprised (and uncomfortable) when someone asks my opinion as if they care or offers to help me, for example.
I can see that this is the story I need to get rid of if anything else is going to change, but I'm also terrified of the consequences of it not being true anymore. I don't know how to be a real person. It's safe here in the shadows. I'm good at being invisible and I'm scared of letting anybody see me. If I start existing and taking up space, how will the people I've always moved aside for react? If I start having opinions, people might actually find out something about me and how will I protect myself if they don't like what they learn? What if people start expecting something of me?
I'm supposed to be thinking about the wonderful things this course will help me achieve, but I'm just scared at the prospect of achieving anything at all.
I'll be back on Monday; we'll see if I've turned into a shiny, happy sunbeam by then...