100 things (the middle of the night edition)

I started thinking about doing the 100 things meme a while ago, but then Phantom wrote hers and I got intimidated by how good it was so I wasn't sure I wanted to attempt it. I think it was an interesting exercise, though, even if mine ended up being 100 things I have issues about, rather than just 100 random facts about me... Maybe I'll do the other kind sometime, too.

1. I lived at home with my family right up until I moved to the US
2. The longest I'd been away from my mum before then was 3 weeks
3. I live inside my own head enough that it hasn't really seemed that different
4. except that I no longer constantly feel guilty for something I should be doing that I'm not (or vice versa)
5. the sound of a car pulling into the driveway still makes me start racking my brain for what I should have been doing instead of reading/being online
6. mainly, I enjoy being free to stay inside my head
7. that probably isn't such a good thing
8. I still have plenty of things to feel guilty about
9. such as not feeling homesick enough
10. I spend so much time worrying about how I should be feeling (or at least appearing to feel) that I'm not very good at noticing how I actually feel
11. My brother once told me I had a million different expressions to make up for never saying anything
12. since then I've been much more careful about controlling those expressions
13. My brother finds me incredibly frustrating to talk to
14. understandably so, since I never say anything
15. He's a big part of why I never say anything, though
16. I adored him when I was <5
17. I genuinely hated him when I was somewhere around 10-13
18. I feel guilty that I'm still somewhat wary of him, even though he's apologised for making me miserable all that time
19. I have a pretty bad memory, I think
20. I wish I'd done more than a half-hearted job of keeping a diary as a kid
21. My favourite memory is from when I was 8 and my little brother, who was 2, was scared of fireworks. My mum and dad tried to comfort him but he reached out his arms to me to be held.
22. I think that's the most wanted I've ever felt.
23. That's probably my fault more than anyone else's
24. When my parents separated when I was 10, I was terribly upset
25. When they separated when I was 21, I wished they'd done it sooner
26. I can't even remember if I was 21 or 22 or 20
27. I have trouble remembering things from my childhood that involved my dad
28. I think I learnt how to be invisible from him
29. after he was diagnosed with post-traumatic stress disorder from fighting in the Vietnam war, I felt guilty for resenting his lack of involvement/communication/apparent interest
30. I hadn't felt guilty before that when the diagnosis was Aspergers syndrome
31. I'm somewhat reluctant to give up the idea that he's toward the syndrome end of the autistic spectrum
32. probably because I sometimes feel somewhat autistic myself
33. "it's genetic" may be an excuse not to do anything about those tendencies
34. I was kind of hurt to learn that he wrote his new-agey wedding ceremony this year because that shows a level of involvement I've never seen before
35. I'm also kind of angry that he never tries to get past the acquaintance level with me
36. Of course, my super-strength "stay away from me" vibes probably have something to do with that
37. everything is my fault
38. I've spent approximately 12 hours in a therapist's office this year
39. 1 hour seems an extremely generous estimate of how long I've actually spent talking in a therapist's office
40. I spend most of the time trying not to move or show any expression that might give any hint as to what I'm thinking or feeling
41. I'm not very good at controlling tears though
42. I messed up last time and let an expression of sadness cross my face when the therapist asked if I did any kind of drawing or writing
43. I don't know why I was sad
44. I'm starting to get worried about posting this, since I'm probably shedding any last semblance of sanity/normalcy and you won't like me any more (if indeed you did to begin with)
45. I'm still trying to perfect the art of being self-deprecating without fishing for compliments
46. I often tend towards saying nothing and appearing stuck up, because at least if people don't like me, I'm not getting any undeserved goodwill
47. I speak very quietly, when I do say anything
48. As soon as I've said something, I realise it wasn't worth saying for many reasons, so it certainly isn't worth repeating
49. Those last two things are a very frustrating combination for other people
50. I get frustrated when people misinterpret what I say (particularly when I'm joking)
51. I think I often expect people to decode the very little I say to get the intricate nuances that went into thinking of it
52. I know it's completely unreasonable to expect people to do that
53. I think I learnt not to react at all for fear of being misunderstood from interactions with my mum
54. I ended up with some clothes I hated as a kid because when looking at racks of clothes she interpreted any attention to an item as me wanting it
55. to be fair, she probably didn't have much else to go on
56. I never wanted to hurt her feelings by disagreeing with her, either
57. everyone else is more important than me
58. When I was 11, I spent 6 hours waiting for someone to pick me up when I could have walked home in 15 minutes because I thought my mum would be cross with me if I tried to cross the main road by myself (I knew what must've happened and when they'd figure it out so I wasn't worried, except the generic Stranger Danger worries that kept me from walking home)
59. every time my mum yelled at us for doing/not doing something I felt incredibly guilty, ashamed and sorry
60. in order to convey how bad I felt, I would try to arrange my face into a suitably contrite expression
61. I was heartbroken when she accused me of not really caring and just putting on a sorry face
62. I was similarly heartbroken when she said something to the effect that I shouldn't ever have kids when I was supposed to be in charge of my little brother and he went across the street to play with a friend without me knowing (he was probably 11-12)
63. I'm sure my mum doesn't even remember those incidents and I only do because they confirm what I already believed
64. I feel guilty writing things about my family here; they're all wonderful, really they are...
65. I was brought up Catholic
66. Surprisingly, given the number of things I feel guilty about, I was never taught any of the fire and brimstone, original sin stuff
67. I went through a couple of phases of trying to convince myself to believe in God
68. During my most pious phase (age 10 or so) I used to go to the convent chapel during lunchtime, but I was also hoping to run into a nun who'd give me a holy card
69. I went to mass every week with my mum long after I'd given up trying to force myself to believe because I felt bad for her not having anyone else to go with
70. I still feel guilty that she feels like a bad Catholic for not having brought up any believers
71. I don't want to disappoint her further by admitting I don't believe in God at all so she thinks I just have problems with the Catholic church as an institution (I think)
72. I spent Christmas eve last year defending my lack of belief to my brother (who seemed to be trying to convince himself to believe in God just because he couldn't think of an alternative that didn't involve a lack of morality or purpose)
73. That was the first time in my life I felt I managed to convey my opinion to my brother without him shooting me down with arguments over straw men and irrelevant details
74. Whatever horrible thing you can think of happening to someone, my mum will know somebody it happened to; therefore, there were a lot of things I wasn't allowed to do as a kid
75. I'm a lot less scared walking home at night here than I was at home in Overgrown Country Town, mainly because mum hasn't been here to warn me of the dangers
76. I'm not remotely normal, even if you think there's no such thing
77. I don't mean that in an "I'm eccentric and unique and special" way, more a "there's something fundamentally wrong with me" way
78. If you don't believe me, that's because I'm fooling you (or you're too nice and want to see the good in everyone, if the first explanation implies I'm doing anything well)
79. If I could figure out what exactly I think is wrong with me, maybe I'd be able to accept the irrationality of that belief
80. I really have no idea how other people see me
81. usually I think I'm not fooling people well enough
82. sometimes I think I'm fooling them too well
83. I can think of an awful lot of horrible things I did as a child
84. I'm too worried about your opinion to include them in this list
85. I'm tempted to steal a few things from Phantom's list (I already have a few that are at least "inspired by")
86. When I grow up, I want to be Phantom (or Jo(e) or Yankee Transplant)
87. I thought maybe moving to a new country would give me a chance to start over
88. I thought the same thing about high school and undergrad, too
89. unfortunately, I'm always still me
90. I almost never swear out loud
91. I swear a lot inside my head
92. even though I've eaten a heap of pizza, chips, cake and cookies tonight, I'm still thinking about the chocolate biscuits I made earlier
93. I don't like to share
94. I hate asking for help
95. I love being asked for help
96. except when I realise afterwards that my "help" was actually completely wrong
97. this happens surprisingly often
98. maybe that isn't so surprising, after all
99. Friday Mom was right, this is a great way of breaking through writers' block (I thought I was going to get stuck after #9)
100. Congratulations, you now know a lot more about me than anyone I know from real life.