updated questionS, while I have people commenting over here
“In this moment, I understood for the first time in my life what it was to feel attracted to someone. Not to think they were funny or to enjoy their company, or even to find one thing about them cute, like their dimples, or their hands, but to feel that physical pull toward them.” (From Prep)
(Another quote to describe this post: "Bookish people, who are often maladroit people, persist in thinking they can master any subtlety so long as it’s been shaped into acceptable expository prose." from book #6: Unless by Carol Shields)
New question: so is that something that happens immediately on meeting someone or something that develops after a while? I'm not exactly sure what I'm trying to get at here, so if you have any other thoughts on the topic, that would be great. (this is kind of research for a post I've been thinking of writing)
posted by Lucy @ 12:36 PM
22
comments
22 Comments:
Pretty much spot on - an irrestible pull, an attraction and inexplicable desire to surround yourself with them, and they lurk constantly in your thoughts. Yup. Good stuff. And then that makes everything they do funny, every part about them cute, and everything they say interesting and smart.
I could go on and on and on, but I'm late for office hours! :)
I like the pairing of these two quotes. :)
In the first quote, when it feels like you understand for the first time in your life? Yeah. That.
thanks for your answers :)
I would say both. There are certain things you know immediately, like the potential to really connect with someone in a surprising, hard-to-find way, but I think it takes time to understand what that might mean for you, as well as the time it takes to develop emotional intimacy and comfort with a person, which is exciting with that undercurrent of connection and attraction.
Experiences vary greatly here, I think. Mine is a bit different than B*'s. :)
It depends on what you're asking too. I think I can often tell pretty quickly if someone is a person I think is pretty cool and would make a great friend. I make decisions like this all the time from just reading a few blog entries on some new blog.
However, if you're asking if love and attraction happen quickly, then no, not so much for me. I like the idea of love at first sight. It's incredibly romantic, but I think it rather unrealistic, and in some ways cheapens the deep intellectual, emotional, and spiritual bonds that are necessary for a truly great relationship. How can you possibly develop those seeing someone for the first time?
Personally, attraction sneaks up on me. I find myself in a close friendship suddenly realizing that I really like someone and suddenly wondering if perhaps there is something more there. And even then, like B* says, it still takes time to figure out what it all means, but it's definitely an exciting, albeit nervous butterfly-inducing, time.
Another perspective--
I was a 39-year-old divorced mother of three. I decided that after several years of hoping friends would introduce me to Mr. Right, and only one introduction (accidental, at that) to a complete Mr. Wrong, it was time to take action. I placed a personal ad. I met a lot of guys for coffee or somesuch. I felt no chemistry with any of them, although several wanted to see me again. Then I met Pure Luck. We had been IMing and e-mailing for days and agreed to meet. I almost drove away when I saw how tall he was, but my politeness overcame my fear of looking ridiculously short, and we went into a large, local family restaurant for dinner. He spoke little. I fidgeted with my silverware. He picked my hand up off the table, and held it. It was magical. He was magical. That was over five years ago. Today he kissed me on a street corner, and I felt just as melty as I did at the first touch of his hand.
Of course it's not the only way attraction happens. And love was a long way off, though it came eventually. But did I go home that night "Like-likeing" him? Yes.
(Is it silly to hear a story like that from a middle-aged clergywoman?)
Thanks for sharing your thoughts again, B* and sheepish.
Songbird, aww :) That isn't silly at all, just very sweet.
I love hearing stories about how people met and ended up together. There's a group of bloggers sharing their stories, but I don't know the people so it's not as fun to read.
I feel bad not having anything better than "thanks" to say in response to all your great comments... I guess I'll have to actually write the post I've been thinking about at least.
Also, Oliver, how have I not seen your blog before? silly me...
I sent Oliver here! :) I liked this discussion and I knew it was just the thing Oliver would enjoy.
oh, cool, thanks B* :) In the interests of continuing discussion then, I have another question: to what extent do you think such feelings can be controlled? Can you convince yourself to like someone you don't or vice versa?
They absolutely cannot be controlled, at least not for the better. I think one could probably turn off feelings of attraction to some degree by consciously trying to focus on the negative, but I don't think the opposite holds true.
You can try to convince yourself you like someone, and it might work for a time, but I think truth will win out in the end. Whatever parts about someone you didn't like initially will still be there later on in a relationship, and all the old problems will just resurface eventually I believe. It's not worth the effort to try, and the results are never pretty.
It is not impossible to control feelings related to like-liking. You can try for a while, I think, but it won't work out very well.
I have been in situations in which I felt like I SHOULD like-like someone (oh, B*, that boy likes you and he's so cute! yeah, true, he was cute and a respectable guy, I thought I should convince myself to try to return the feelings, but he and I never deeply connected, even though he thought we did, and the relationship lasted far longer than it should have because I tried to force the like-liking and could not, so it ultimately dissolved... another example: he's SUCH a good friend, I might as well try to get romantically involved with him... Again, one of those cases when I thought I "should" get involved with someone because it would be good for me, in that case. I guess I'm saying it is sort of possible to try to stir up romantic feelings for someone to some degree, but they will be weak and they'll die out quickly.
Also, I have been in a situation where I felt like I should not like-like someone (less-than-perfect timing in my life and less-than-perfect situation given the locations of the people), but I couldn't turn it off. I didn't want to like-like him because it would be a messy situation, but I couldn't help it!!! The like-liking became too overwhelming and I decided it was worth it to pay attention to the like-liking (even if kind of messy) because of all of the awesomeness.
I guess another question is: How important is "that physical pull" sort of attraction? I used to think it didn't matter so much, that good friendship was the most important part. I think that's because I thought physical-pull-attraction was impossible to find in someone I could also be good friends with. I now think such attraction is hugely important, but can't be purposely orchestrated because you think it SHOULD be there. If it's not, it's not.
so, now I am totally eager to read whatever post Lucy is brewing up related to this issue!
excellent extra question, B*! Thanks. I probably shouldn't have raised expectations by mentioning I was thinking of a post. It's not anything exciting.
Oliver, I added you to my blogroll too. I have to admit I stole the title from Neil Gaiman, though (it's from the picture book "The Wolves in the Walls", well publicity for it, at least).
Hey B*, why don't you just suck it up and say "love" if that's what you really mean by "like-liking"? All that dancing around the word is making my head spin and your comment hard to read. But seriously, do you want to say anything more about the "awesomeness"?
I, too, have my curiousity totally piqued by Lucy's direction here. And I say to you, Lucy, that perhaps you should let your readers decide what they think is exciting? I mean, the post with the most comments in quite a while on my blog is about the Shower Freakin' Bug. Sheesh, already.
I just think it's not going to seem exciting compared to whatever you're thinking I might post about. The shower bug mightn't have seemed so thrilling if you'd had a bigger build up.
Do you have any thoughts on B*'s other question, too?
I agree with the luminous *'s response to her own question, at least in principle. I think that one cannot have a completely fulfilling relationship without the mystical sense of attraction. Friendship is the most important element, I think, but not the only critical one. I don't think I have any friends that I could stand living in such close proximity to and sharing everything with. There has to be something more. Without "'that physical pull' sort of attraction" there's little sense of excitement, fun, and adventure, which is important!
The concluding statement of Doc * is maybe a touch black and white for my taste: "If it's not, it's not." I definitely agree that you cannot force things. However, I think one doesn't always know if that attraction can develop. For instance, in the current relationship in which I am, it's not like I knew I was in love from the first moment. Nope, not even in the slightest. It was only when I realized the ever-growing friendship had started to become more than that, and that it felt inexplicably right, that I really started to get the pull of longing. Of course, all of what I say should be run through the filter of a handful of failed relationships with only one eminently successful, but still young, one.
Hi. It's the luminous Doc * here, posting in the middle of the night. To be fair, it's not exactly the middle of the night, but maybe early morning, because I went to bed way early and I've already had 6 hours of sleep, which is sometimes more than I get in one night! I am going to back to bed after some computer time.
Sheepish - I feel like responding to you. First of all, my use of like-liking is picking up directly from Lucy's post. :)
Regarding the awesomeness, it's kind of self-evident by reading these comments, I'd say. Nice work illustrating it by just being you. Hi, awesome boy. Of course, there's awesomeness in the interaction, too...
When I said "if it's not, it's not," I didn't mean that you would know immediately at first if it would be there, but that you don't so much have control over it ("it" being physical pull sort of attraction). It sort of sneaks up on you like a really awesome surprise, and I normally hate surprises, which is probably why I've tried to force things just a little once or twice in the past.
okay, good night!
When I was in college I was dating this girl who was really cool and cute. We'd been together a month or so and I thought things were going very well. On the day of my birthday I had a meeting for an organization at a prof's house and was to go from there to a party my gf was throwing for me. At the meeting I was sitting on the couch next to this girl and at some moment my leg touched hers and I was suddenly totally conscious of her. I talked to her for maybe five or ten minutes after the formal meeting stuff ended--she was fascinating and totally gorgeous. A friend literally dragged me away from her to take me to my party, and I spent the whole night thinking of that girl I'd met that afternoon. The next morning, I called my girlfriend up and broke up with her, even though I had no idea how I would go about finding that girl I'd met the day before. Then I realized the prof who'd hosted the meeting knew who she was, so I went to see him and she was in the hallway outside his office, she later more or less admitted hanging around hoping I'd show up. I was in love instantly and thought that it must mean that there was some Destiny that Meant Us to Be Together.
But she ultimately turned out to not be a good person for me to be with--long story, but essentially she was in the country as an oper and was a different person here than at home. It was the vacation version of herself I fell in love with, and the real her was not someone I was interested in, or more to the point, her real self wasn't especially interested in me.
Academic Coach: This is a high-minded discussion of Great Ideals, like like-liking, not some cess pit for pawing around about lust! ;)
yeah... but now that you've brought it up, that's a good question. Where does lust fit in the spectrum of feelings? Is it on the same continuum as like-liking and love? (I would've tried to find a better way to phrase that if I knew it'd be used 50 million times... )
Scrivener, I was kind of hoping for a happier ending; do you think that ever happens or would it be too unrealistic? I was also looking for a moral, but I guess that's unrealistic too. I'd like to hear your real happy ending story, anyway :)
Lucy, I'd like to think that happy endings do happen. I don't have conclusive evidence yet, but I have strong indicative evidence.
As to lust, well, that's just a physical manifestation of attraction. I think in order to have a successful long-term relationship, physical attraction must be there, along with all the others - emotional, intellectual, etc. Otherwise, it seems to akin to just being really good friends (which IS an important component, but still...). The degree of how important this is probably varies greatly from person to person. But as with everything else, if there is that "magical pull" of like-liking, then that makes the person so much more attractive in your eyes.
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