so where did that leave me?

This is part 2 of this post, actually.

Phantom had an excellent comment on Andrea's post:

I have to admit that I read these stories of yours and wonder why no one ever pushed you to do something where you *were* challenged. The inadequacy shtick isn't particularly healthy, for sure, but neither is the sort of boredom you experienced. I think many of us out here were bored in grade school, but if you were still bored in uni, that seems like a terrible waste to me. How do you ever develop a realistic sense of your own abilities if you're never really challenged?

The answer for me is: you don't. I alternate between thinking I must be capable of doing something interesting if I've got this far without ever having to put in much effort, and being terrified that someone will find out I've just scammed my way in here when I'm clearly inferior (never being challenged doesn't protect you from the inadequacy shtick). Despite my jealousy of those who got to go to more challenging schools, I was always somewhat glad that I was in my little puddle because I was scared I'd be just another tiny fish in a larger pool.
Something I forgot to add before, was that it left me feeling like the only reason I seemed smart at all was the fact that I never got challenged, so I was still always worrying about doing badly on tests etc. This was kind of awkward because it's difficult to join in the stress-fest that precedes exams when your friends are worried about passing, and you're worried about getting less than 99% or something. At the same time, it doesn't help to not join in, either, because that would just be showing off. Even in the harder maths subject, which only had 4 students, one of the others (who was one of only 2 other people to get an A in the easier subject) did call me on the fact that I always worried and then always got close to 100% anyway, as if I was patronising her (and she almost got an A, too, anyway).

I think the reason no one ever challenged me was just that they didn't notice. I was probably an ideal student. I did my work quietly and correctly. I was willing to participate if called on and didn't disrupt anyone else in the class. And despite my boredom, I did like school. I might not have gotten a lot of attention there, but it was always positive.

Coasting along for so many years, never having to really try, meant I never developed any kind of work ethic. Even with piano, at which I am not remotely gifted, I barely practised an hour a week for my 6th grade exam (and was then insulted when my teacher suggested my C+ (the only C I've ever gotten) was the limit of my abilities). All my university classes had at least 80 people for science classes, even french had 30, and enrollment is open enough that there was still a range of abilities and interests in every class. Of course, by the time I reached that stage, I should have had enough initiative to not rely on the lecturer to motivate me to do good work, but I was still lazy enough to only care about the grade.

If I'd had friends who were interested in intellectual pursuits, I think I would have gotten a much better education, but my social anxiety and passivity led me to stick with the first people I met who seemed to tolerate me. The question of whether being smart can cause problems with making friends came up once in religion and two of those other 4 harder maths students piped in and said no, because their friends were all smart, anyway, which just made me feel evil for being bored with my friends' conversations. The people I find most interesting intimidate me, though, because I'm not as well-read or knowledgeable or self-motivated or interesting. I still accept what I'm told at face value most of the time. I've wasted so much time trying not to kill myself out of boredom, instead of using it constructively.

After 20 years at school, I don't have much to show for it. The main thing I've learnt is how to amuse myself, and how to calculate the bare minimum required to get by. Unfortunately, I'm no longer studying because I have to be here; there is no final exam I can cram for. I should be working because I'm interested and curious and excited about what I'm doing. I'm still acting like I'm just killing time until I can do my own thing, but this is my own thing. I still get flashes of excitement when trying to figure out something conceptual, but I suck at motivating myself to do the daily experiments and reading required to get to the fun part.

I do still wonder if this is really what I'm most interested in. If you read the short list of things I got excited about and challenged by, you'll notice only one of them relates to biology. I loved the philosophy class I took, but it took more effort than I was used to and I'll admit that scared me. My whole self-worth came/comes from doing well at school (I still hesitate to say "being smart/intelligent" because that seems even more like bragging) and I was too scared to risk that. I loved maths, too and it was easier than biology. I'm not quite sure why I didn't consider going on with it more seriously. Partly it was just that I had no idea what one would do as a mathematician, plus the stuff I loved was pure maths and I guess that seemed somewhat frivolous.

In any case, I need to get over the lack of external motivation I've experienced so far and do something about it myself. Unfortunately, it's just so easy to keep coasting...