...
I don't think I have anything to say, but I kind of feel like I need to say something, or else I'll find it too easy to just hide away from everything online, too. I've been hiding from real life, already. I went for a walk today, which I was hoping would make me feel better. It was nice being outside for a change, but I had to keep distracting myself from noticing all the happy people out with their partners and friends and dogs. I didn't want to go home when I was sick of walking, because I'd already snuck out of the house to avoid talking to my housemates and I didn't want to go home while they were cooking the communal dinner I heard them planning, so I went and saw Transamerica, which was good, if a little clunky in places. I was supposed to go to a lab party tonight, but I was relieved that it got cancelled (and guilty for feeling relieved because the reason was all of my advisor's kids getting sick) so I wouldn't have to be sociable or try to cook something good enough to share with other people. It was also a nice excuse for not being home. I still got home too early, though, so I snuck back in and only turned on a lamp, hoping the light wouldn't be visible under my door and nobody would notice I was home. I've been reading furiously to try to drown out my thoughts, but I finished another book before getting tired enough to sleep.
I don't know why I'm feeling so avoidant. I'm just feeling empty and flat and I don't think I have the energy to pretend to be okay anymore.
posted by Lucy @ 10:37 PM
13
comments
13 Comments:
God, Lucy, I can so relate. I've never been this avoidant before...I've been hiding from the (very nice) new roommate all weekend....sometimes hiding is good. I guess. Or so I'm telling myself and you...but i hope your energy and your mood pick up!
I don't have much to say either, but hi. I hope the books are good and the not-okay-ness subsides.
Maybe it's a good thing that you can't pretend to be okay anymore. Maybe it means that you're tired of being not okay.
Anytime you don't want to eat ice cream alone, though, you're more than welcome on my doorstep. I'm always willing to eat ice cream with someone who's not okay.
Thanks, everyone.
Luckybuzz, I'm sorry you're feeling avoidant too. Hiding seems very good now, but I end up feeling like I need to keep hiding forever so I don't have to deal with questions about where I disappeared to all weekend...
Kermit, the books were pretty good, but a little too focussed on mental illness to be entirely comforting.
Wolfangel, housemates definitely suck right now. I'm hungry but I can't figure out how to get breakfast without being seen. Maybe I should give up on food inside the house and go get ice cream. I'm sorry you're sharing the mopeyness.
Phantom, I am so very tired of being not okay. Unfortunately, that still doesn't mean I'm willing to admit the not-okayness to anyone in real life, so I'm stuck hiding from anyone who might notice. I woke up too early today too, so now I have most of the day to avoid. I am very tempted to take you seriously on the ice cream eating, but don't worry, I don't want to inflict my miserableness on anyone (except here, I guess...)
I'm quite serious, Lucy. You need someone to eat ice cream with, we're available. If I'd been around this afternoon I would have insisted. Maybe next weekend.
I wish I could convince you, though, that it's okay to not be okay. You don't have to hide it. So many of us have been there and done that, and we don't think any less of you for being there, too. That's just the way life is, you know?
Big hug for you, Lucy.
Keep talkin' here, won't you?
Thanks, Lucy/Laura :)
Phantom, I think I'm slowly working towards being convinced that it's okay, actually (hence, I would love to eat ice cream with you sometime when I'm not feeling quite so avoidant - thank you :) ), but it's easier in the blog world because I never pretended to be okay in the first place. Admitting that my whole current RL persona is just a facade to people who've never seen any other side of me, though, is something else, entirely. Plus, I really don't have the social skills to even know how to do anything other than pretend.
Lucy--I'll totally eat ice cream with you too. I'm completely serious, and you know that I get the being avoidant (and not being able to eat b/c other people are in the kitchen). Let me know. Maybe we can get ice cream together and not talk. Or make eye contact. That might be good. :)
awesome, Luckybuzz :) Maybe we could start by just going to the same ice cream place and work our way up to actually saying hi.
(if we're being serious, I could say hi, but the not talking or making eye contact mightn't be an exaggeration; if that's not a problem, you're on :) )
Lucy, we should work out a plan for this; I like your idea. Maybe we can go to the same ice cream place, and just nod at each other. And then eat our ice cream while we read our books or whatever, and then nod goodbye. It'd be like...the antisocial blogger anti-meetup. :)
Given how much this plan is making me giggle now, I think I might crack up while trying to nod antisocially, but it sounds fun! So what's your favourite ice cream place?
Hmm, actually, the first step could just to be paranoid every time we get ice cream individually for a while, in case the other person happens to be there. I guess I shouldn't be looking for backward steps, though.
If you're really serious, email me and I'll try not to freak out :)
The idea of being paranoid every time we get ice cream made me laugh out loud. :)
I so don't have a favorite ice cream place, though. We'll have to figure out a place that's easy enough to get to that we won't decide it's too much trouble. I *will* email you about this...sometime. :) Not because I don't want to do it--because it's totally making me laugh, and i do!--but because i'm leaning toward not leaving the house, ever. But I will! :)
Sometime sounds good :) Hopefully our willingnesses to leave the house will coincide at some point and then we can actually do this!
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