sad
I went (almost) straight home last night instead of trying to delay it. This meant people were around when I got home. I managed to say hi, at least, and get the "where have you been?" questions over with, before retreating to my room again. The housemate who emailed to see if I was okay seemed to accept my lame excuses at face value. Now he's trying to plan activities, though.
I feel almost disappointed that they believed me, because now it seems like everything's back to normal and I'll have no strong incentive to change anything. Part of the self-destructive urge is that I keep thinking maybe if things get bad enough it will be obvious that I'm not okay, and someone will notice, or I'll have to actually do something about it. But then, it gets just enough easier that I can put up with it indefinitely again.
Even when I have made an effort to do something, it isn't enough. I still settle back into doing nothing. Telling my mother I was depressed has only made me more uncomfortable and going to therapy seems fairly pointless since I don't talk.
I had a therapy appointment this morning and before I left home I was thinking that maybe it was a pity my appointment wasn't earlier in the week when I was really feeling terrible, but I ended up feeling bad enough anyway. Last time she asked about my goals for going to therapy. Specifically, she asked if I wanted to be able to be more open about what I was thinking and feeling. I couldn't answer, because, while I know that might seem like a worthwhile goal to a rational person, my first reaction is "hell no! why would I want to do such a crazy, dangerous thing??" I couldn't come up with any specific goal, though, other than to not feel so awful all the time. Apparently she sent me an email asking about this too (which I never got) so I could have time before the next appointment to think of something.
Today, she was asking about the depression, which she usually leaves to the meds nurse. She asked how long I've been feeling depressed and I couldn't answer again. I know it's gotten worse lately, but I can't think of when I felt much happier as a normal state of mind. There have been times when I felt okay, but I don't know how long I'd have to feel sad for it to count.
When I didn't say anything, she said her impression was that it was easier to talk last time, after I'd just emailed her. Last time, though, she was just asking facts about my family. I tried to say that it was different, but she didn't understand what I meant (fair enough, since I only said one word) and when I tried to explain (twice) she couldn't hear because of the air vents in her office (on top of me mumbling inaudibly) and by then I'd realised what I tried to say was still incomprehensible and it would take way too many words to explain properly so I couldn't even repeat what I'd said. The next time I tried to answer a question she couldn't hear me either, so I just ended up feeling sadder and more despondent.
I want her to magically know what's going on and fix it. Obviously, I know that's unreasonable, but I just can't see how to change anything non-magically. I've been going to therapy for at least a year now and nothing has changed. It's not any easier to talk and I don't feel any better. After reading lulu's Wednesday whine about therapy being shapeless and the replies (that it helps to have goals, and the first few appointments are less defined since it's a getting-to-know-you process), I realised that I still probably haven't said as much after a year as most people would in the initial appointment. The prospect of it taking me several years just to explain the problem is overwhelming and just makes me feel like giving up.
I've done absolutely nothing all day (my advisor isn't around, thank god). When housemate emailed to see if I wanted to go to a movie tonight, I said okay, since I figured I could cope with sitting next to people, but now apparently the plan has changed to cooking dinner together and I don't think I can be that sociable, but I already said I was free this evening. Actually, I have a stomachache from eating nothing but junk food all week; it doesn't help that I've been feeling fat and unhealthy and disgusting all week, but at least maybe I can use that as an excuse to hide tonight.
A labmate just asked me if I was going to be around for an hour since she's not feeling well and wants to go home early. Now I'm torn between the "must say yes to any request for help" compulsion and wanting to go home and go to bed myself...
posted by Lucy @ 3:01 PM
13
comments
13 Comments:
Dear Piggypuppet,
have I ever told you how much I adore the artwork on your site? I do! I do!
I really admire you for trying to live with people. I can sometimes even hardly stand running into neighbors.
I have a horrible habit of agreeing to do things and then backing out at the last minute. This is a particular issue when I have to get myself somewhere (as opposed to someone picking me up), as my anxiety and antisocial tendencies get the best of me.
All that is to say in essence: I am picking up what you are putting down (aka, I totally get what you're saying, babycakes).
The questions therapists ask can be open-ended and sometimes its hard to think of an answer. I too, was stumped by the "what do you want to get out of therapy?" question.
As for figuring out the length of your depression, I try to think of specific dates or events. "Was I this sad at Christmas? When I went to that party? When was that day I stayed in bed?" That kind of thing helps me keep track.
It seems to me that you are going to therapy because you think you should, not because you want to. Do you think a new therapist would help you open up? It may help to make a list of things you want to talk about during your appointment, so that you actually talk.
ie: 1. Avoiding people-why do I do it?
2. How can I get my motivation back?
3. X event happened and it ruined my day
I find it easier to talk to my therapist than almost anyone else, because I know she's had training and is confidential. But she still stumps me sometimes. It is ok to sit and think about something for a minute. Don't worry about filling every second with chatter.
Hope this wasn't too much all at once. I've been in your shoes and they aren't comfy :/
(((lucy)))
That's the hug I keep wanting to give you.
One thing about the therapy: I wonder if you're trying to come up with "right" answers for the therapist? I say this because the responses to her questions that you post here seem to be your "real" gut-feeling answers, but I get the feeling you're not saying them to the therapist. I mean--what if she said "do you want to be more open..." and you SAID "hell no! why would I want to do such a crazy, dangerous thing??" Or told her that you don't know how long you've been depressed but that you can't remember feeling happier? Just wondering if trying to communicate "right" is part of what's hard...I know it can be for me.
(((((((lucy))))))))
I remember so well being in that place where I didn't know how to (and was too scared to) communicate, and wanting people to magically know what was going on and fix it for me. In fact, you're farther ahead than I was, because it took me forever to realize that it was unreasonable to expect other people to read my mind.
I wish I had good advice. Alas, I only have bad advice involving reasonable amounts of alcohol and bursting into tears in front of people you hardly know.
Luckily, labmate found someone else to do it, so I was spared, but then another student came to chat... and when I got home friend-who-moved-away was visiting so I had to at least say hi, and then it was even more awkward to get away, but I did blame having a stomachache. So now I'm eating hot chips in an attempt to make my excuse more legitimate.
Shrinky, the artwork is all Dave McKean. I keep wondering if I'm doing something illegal by using it, but it is very cool. I also have trouble with backing out of things, but I've tried to solve that by not committing to anything in advance...
Honeybee, hi! My problem with the length is that I can think of specific dates when I felt miserable, but then I think of other nearby dates when I felt okay. Even now, I had a good time at recruiting events last week.
I'm not sure whether I want to go to therapy or not. I want to feel better, and I don't know how to do that by myself. I don't know how to do that with a therapist, either, unfortunately. My problem also isn't finding enough to say, it's literally making any sound. The most responsive I usually get is nodding or shaking my head in response to questions.
Luckybuzz, I think not wanting to say the wrong thing is definitely an issue. I spend way too long trying to figure out exactly what she's asking, instead of whatever I think of when she says something. Of course, that's also related to trying to figure out a way of conveying the right answer in a single word...
I know I really ought to think more about what I want to say, but especially when I first started, it was so hard just to make myself show up and if I thought about it outside of my appointment time I'd panic and not want to go. I guess it's still easier to take that approach. I'm way too passive in general.
Phantom, I'll take bad advice! Anything's got to be better than what I'm doing on my own. I'm very interested to hear how you got from there to here, anyway.
Thank you so much for the hugs and support, everyone. You're so nice!
Lucy, I guess I have nothing much to say other than I am glad you choose to keep talking about your feelings here on your blog. I don't know if it helps you or not, but it does help me. I've never been close enough with some who suffers from depression and/or social anxiety to have them share their feelings (maybe that's redundant to say that). Reading your writing really gives me a better understanding of what it's like to have all these thoughts rattling around in your head. I have a deeper understanding now of these issues beyond a superficial "Oh, that person is depressed. S/he must be sad." No real point here, but I guess if I had one, it would be that while your goal may be just to vent here, you are also being extremely successful at communicating what it's like to be you. Thank you for sharing your experiences, because I imagine it is not easy to do so even with the anonymity of blogging.
Oh, one thing i forgot to say is that I absolutely hate it when therapists ask what my goals are. I can't always articulate them, but if I can, that question just seems so intrusive to me, so I just make something up (like the one you noted -- not wanting to feel so badly). It's true, but not the whole truth.
For some people, the main goal is just to learn how to open up and how to use therapy. And maybe that's enough of a goal for you for now. I dunno. It does sound like your therapist is working hard to try to help you talk, which is nice.
I know that talking is very hard for me too -- and that in many a session, I have brought in stuff I wrote to the therapist because I knew I'd not be able to communicate it verbally. it helped tremendously.
I have clients that bring in writings too -- journals, notes, etc.
I hope at some point you can tell your therapist about the self-censoring, as that would be really helpful for her to know (if you've not told her already). therapy should be the one place where you don't have to do that.
This is kind of a late comment: I don't know the whole story (maybe I'll read some more later) but I wanted to say that I understand what it's like being depressed.
Now It did used to piss me off that they wanted me to take the reigns in therapy. Life was so hard the other 23 hours a day, why was this 'treatment' supposed to make it easier? Soooo many days I would come in dreading the "So, what would you like to talk about today?" question? That definately made me feel like there was some "right thing" to be talking about and I was magically supposed to know it. But in retrospect, I realize that they were just giving me an opportunity to say what was on my mind.
Like ShrinkyKitten said, bringing in writings can help. You could even print out this post and just bring it in. If you trust your therapist, this could be a very useful thing to do. At least then she will know more about what is going on. I have a very good friend who just did this yesterday actually - both with her therapist and with me. She just couldn't talk about it, but her writing (like yours) is quite easy to read, and it was really informative for me (and her Doc).
Anyway, I've been there, too - and I know how lonely it can be. I'm sorry you have to go through this....
sheepish, you're welcome :) Thank you for reading. It does help me a lot, too. It's still somewhat surprising and very reassuring to see people not react as if I'm a complete freak, even if they haven't experienced the same feelings, as well as seeing that other people can relate to what I've written.
My housemate who was depressed has a blog and just wrote something that helped me understand their experience too, since I have trouble reconciling the confident, happy person I see with being depressed.
Shrinky, I didn't really recognising my not being able to answer as self-censoring before. I'm supposed to email her about why I couldn't talk yesterday, so I guess I should say that. I have big issues with being in the same room while someone reads something I wrote, but emailing seems to work for now.
sp, I know what you mean, I just want her to take over and not make me do all the work. I'm still too paranoid to print out a post, since it would be googleable and I'm more open here. I guess I ought to try to be more open there, too...
lucy, you don't have to print out a post; just cut-and-paste the text to word or right into an e-mail.
I'm concerned that you've been seeing the same therapist for a year and still don't feel comfortable talking to her. Is there something about her that makes you hesitate? Or do you think it would be the same with anyone?
I'm sorry this is all so hard.
I'm more comfortable with this therapist than with the meds nurse, I think, and much more than with the triage person I first saw. I think it's definitely me, not her. I guess it's possible it would be easier with someone else, but I'm not sure I could even tell without seeing someone long enough to get a little bit used to them.
I agree with SongBird - you could just modify the post to de-"blog" it and just tell her you wrote something you want her to read. No reason for her to know it's from a blog.
Hi, I don't usually comment in people's blogs, but in building my own I have read a lot and felt connected to some.
I am sorry about how you are feeling. It makes all the difference in the world to have the right therapist. I wish I could share mine with everyone. I saw her for 3 years beginning in 2000, and my life has changed so much since then.
I still get occasional bouts of depression and anxiety, but no where near what it was, and no meds either.
Good luck, and don't give up until you find the therapist you can trust and who will walk you the entire way through!
http://lesbian-nanny.blogspot.com/
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