still nothing
Today's accomplishment was waking up only one hour after my alarm first went off, instead of two and a half (that's with hitting snooze every 5 minutes)! Of course, I didn't actually get out of bed any earlier, so it didn't really help. I got to lab and then immediately spent an hour listening to a talk about apple's new processors, in order to get free pizza. I did try to do some work this afternoon, but it involved duplicating my horribly complicated database and I just got to the end of the process and discovered most of my records didn't get linked properly, so I'm blogging in an attempt not to cry.
Also, I discovered today that the reason I've escaped my advisor's disappointment this week is that he's been home sick (I was too busy avoiding the whole area near his office to notice) but he came by today for long enough to set deadlines on what I'm supposed to be doing.
I already whined about this part at Phantom's, but I also found out that Super-Grad-Student is joining the lab. He just has to finish the project he wrote and won an NIH grant for, first. Now my advisor is going to be unable to ignore the difference between me and a real grad student...
I also read My Freshman Year last night and now I'm feeling even more guilty about not doing any work and disappointing my advisor. Would it be better if I could just tell him I'm not doing anything and I have no motivation? I'm feeling guilty too because I basically lied and said I was fine when he was concerned about how I was feeling before my presentations.
I keep thinking I'll be fine; I just have to stop slacking off and just do some work. When I started taking the wellbutrin recently, and then each of the four times I increased the dose, I kept trying some new organisational strategy or just psyching myself up to be more on top of things. Each time I felt like I was going to get better and I was kind of annoyed that I kept changing the dosage at the same time, because then the medication would get the credit and really I would've been fine anyway. Except that I just keep not being fine.
One of the reasons I keep thinking I'm just bringing this all on myself is that the very few times I've actually been organised or productive in some way, e.g. two years ago when I was going to the gym everyday, I did it by just not giving myself any excuses and just forcing myself to get up early, even when I wanted to hit snooze. Now, I can tell I'm not really committed to doing more work because I give up and make excuses too easily. I keep trying to force myself again, but the motivational-me doesn't have the energy to keep at it long enough or forcefully enough to get apathetic-me moving, either.
I was kind of shocked when the meds-person last time asked if it really mattered that I'm not doing any work, but really, I keep making excuses to convince myself that it doesn't matter, at least in the short term (although I would like to graduate sometime). Would it help to give up on feeling like I should be working? I don't really see how that would make me more motivated, but the guilt sure isn't working.
And now I've missed my Enriching Activity for the 4th week in a row, despite reassuring the organiser that I was really going to make it this time...
Postscript: Phantom's response to my whine just made me burst into tears, because I don't have crippling depression. I don't have any valid excuse for not doing any work. I'm just lazy and undisciplined and self-pitying...
posted by Lucy @ 6:03 PM
23
comments
23 Comments:
(((lucy)))
Please don't beat yourself up too much (I know that's easier said than done, and I can't take my own advice, but still...). Really--you can't take credit for all the unmotivation and negative stuff and not take credit for the things you *do* accomplish! (again, I should SO take my own advice...) What if you did tell your advisor that you have no motivation? Would that be so bad?
um, I don't think I have accomplished anything, though.
I don't think there's any way I could tell my advisor without bursting into tears and then being horribly embarrassed every time I have to talk to him. Plus, I have no explanation for why I have no motivation and he was concerned before that I was bored with the project because I've spent months just analysing data, when really if I weren't so unmotivated I would've moved on to the interesting part long ago.
Is there any benefit in telling him that would outweigh the embarrassment, do you think?
*HUGS*
Give yourself time as well as the medication.
Consider taking baby steps with regards to setting and reaching goals.
Thanks for the hugs (luckybuzz, too). I feel bad for being all negative when people are trying to help, so I'm sorry and I really do appreciate your comments.
I'm currently tapering off the medication, since none of the dosages did anything and the meds person is still trying to think of something else to try.
I've been trying to work on the baby steps, too. A couple of weeks ago my goals were as lofty as "get to lab by 10am every day" and "figure out which of my genes are interesting, test some more parameters and get new reagents", but I'm not having much success with my revised goals of "get to lab before 11am once in the week" and "do a couple of searches in the database", either. I'm not sure how much smaller I can make them.
Hmm--I think I'd missed that the meds weren't working and you were re-evaluating those. Having the right meds makes a world of difference. My newest prescription--the private stash of Klonopin--really, really helps with the panic attacks and the social anxiety/phobia stuff...even though I don't take it that often, it makes social things less scary when I do. Can you push the meds person to get you something that'll work? You deserve to feel better, Lucy, and I think you can...
She's going to think of something else, or failing that call in a consultant (I have no idea what that means). She keeps asking me what I want to do, though, which isn't encouraging, since I have no clue and surely she has some kind of training in this, unlike me (although I call her "meds person" because she isn't a doctor and I don't know what her title/job actually is)
One of the most interesting things about depression is that although it makes a person want to do nothing, doing SOMETHING, especially something stimulating, is the best strategy for getting out of it. It doesn't always work, but you'd be surprised ho often it does.
hey lucy, i actually did once make an appointment with my supervisor for the sole purpose of telling her I was sick. unfortunately (or at least it seemed at the time) crying was involved. but it ended up being one of the best things i ever did, because it helped her understand my lack of progress and she was able to feel a lot less frustrated with me and help me accordingly. when i finished my master's i took her a present and we both had a teary moment (believe me when i say this is not a woman whom you would ever suspect of crying), because i think it was a major learning curve in human interaction for both of us.
i was very lucky with my medication. the very first thing i ever tried worked. it worked for my sister as well, after another drug hadn't.have any of your relatives ever been treated for depression? if so it might give your doctors a clue as to what will work better.
also, i hope your doctor has entertained the possibility that you're not clinically depressed. when i presented to my gp she sent me off for a whole battery of tests and discovered that i also had a hyperactive thyroid. now that will play havoc with your headspace.
i really do hope you find a way out of this soon. it must be even harder so far from your family and the support systems you grew up with.
(((Lucy)))
OK, *why* is this meds person not a doctor? Why isn't your therapist working harder to figure out what will work for you? You definitely don't look hyperthyroid to me, but hypothyroid is always a possibility. Honestly, Lucy, I'm not at all impressed with the care that you're receiving. You shouldn't still feel like it's all your fault! You should be receiving some kind of appropriate help by now! And, NO, it's not your fault that you're not.
If you have any interest, I will email my friend who's a helping professional at your U and see if he can recommend someone competent to you.
Lucy,
I'm sorry things are so hard. Although I think the idea of "just doing things" will help one actually do things, it doesn't always work that way. Not to turn this comment into a comment about me -- but once again, I totally identify. I am able to get the things done that I absolutely have to (teaching, clinical work) but anything for which there are no immediate witnesses or deadlines, I can't rally myself to do - even though I do know it will be a relief to get them done.
As far as talking to your adivosr -- my experience with that was not good as I was told I ought take time off from school if I "couldn't handle it." But, that might be an artifact of the kind of program I'm in.
I'm seriously thinking of inviting bloggers I know to create some sort of goal group with me. As much as I hate those kinds of things, I need to find some way to make me do things. Interested in making something like that in the most unannoying and smarmy way possible?
shrinky
Gary, I keep thinking that might work and I have tried a few times this week, but it's not working so well at the moment.
Galaxy, I've had my thyroid tested recently and it's fine (my grandmother's hypothyroid so my mum's been paranoid about it for a long time since I look vaguely like my grandmother and am therefore genetically identical...). I'm glad your supervisor was understanding. My advisor is incredibly nice so I'm sure he would be, too, I just really don't want to tell anyone, still...
Maybe I should try to figure out what my mum's medication is called here, if it's even available. The meds person did ask, but she'd never heard of it.
I think it's actually easier not to be near my family because I'm just as uncomfortable with them knowing anything as I am with anyone else and it's easier to hide here.
Phantom, I just got assigned to this meds person. I figured it was an american thing that she wasn't a doctor, since I only ever get a nurse who can write prescriptions at the regular health services, too.
I feel like it is my fault, anyway, since I barely talk, so how are they supposed to know what's going on? And I couldn't possibly ask to see someone else because that might be rude or hurt their feelings or something...
Shrinkykitten, that's exactly how I am with getting things done. I'm interested in the idea of a goal group, but I'm not sure I wouldn't just make excuses anyway. Let me know if you're going to try it, though.
I'm sorry telling your advisor didn't go very well. Even though I'm sure my advisor would be nice about it, I'm still worried about it being known in my program, anyway.
Making a new appointment etc never occurs to me either... Or feels like I'm making trouble for the doctor/whoever...
I did just look up what my mum has taken and it doesn't appear to be FDA approved (Of course. The only asthma medication available here is the one I'm allergic to, as well - the nurse suggested I just buy the one I wanted online. I love Prestigious U health services!).
The meds person sent me to the other therapist for the not talking, but that doesn't feel like it's getting anywhere, either. Although maybe it will now that she's started emailing me questions since I don't talk.
Oh, I think I might have denied actually feeling miserable last time... I was just worried about not getting anything done, the miserableness hadn't set in then, but see I am just making it all worse for myself...
Hi Lucy,
I like you am new to this strange land and also come from across the big pond. My wife is a doctor here. If I understand your position here regarding the "Med Person", they have palmed you off to a PA. You should know that you can ask to see the doctor. S/he does have to see you. Just insist on it. My wife complains all the time that the PA gets things wrong but the numbers of patients that need to be seen is too large. So thats what normally happens. They should only see simple cases. If you have a physician who is too busy, s/he may not give you the time you deserve. Depression is a hard thing to treat, you should not let non-pros sort it out. Ask for a consultant. Hopefully your medical insurance will cover it.
Also if you need to convert your mum's prescription to the USA version of the drug, let me know. I have friends back in England who are pharmacists and people here who are docs.
Take Care.
PS listen to your pig puppet and your friends.
I looked up the meds person and apparently she's a Psychiatric Nurse Clinician; is that okay? I'm not so good at asking questions and demanding things... Maybe the consultant person she mentioned is an actual doctor and I should have been more enthusiastic about that idea, though.
I have no idea if what works for my mum would work for me, so I'm not sure if it's worth chasing that medication up or not.
Thanks for your advice, Botanicalgirl and anonymous. I think I need an actual pigpuppet to advise me when I'm not online :)
I'm sorry you have the same strain of depression (or any at all), Botanicalgirl. I hope the medication works for you.
Yes, listen to your pigpuppet.
I think we all need a pigpuppet :)
Lucy,
Psychiatric nurses can be good. One of the people I trust most with my clients is a pediatric psychiatric nurse (but she has a PhD too - in psychiatric nursing, I think). The actual degree/title matters a whole lot less than how much they are up to date on meds, on their ability to consult (so that part's good), their knowledge of research on new applications and side effects, and stuff like that. Also, your trust in and comfort with the person matters a whole lot too. When I was on meds, I did a ton of research on my own even though the person I saw was really stupendous. She was very open to my input and always tried whatever I wanted.
Lucy - I'm coming to this late, and I hope this doesn't come across as obnoxious or pitying or antogonistic or anything, but it sounds to me like you can't work because you're depressed, not the other way around. So if you want to be able to work, you need to fix the depression, rather than thinking that being able to work will make the depression go away. I think (like wolfa says above) that one of the big things about depression is the idea that we can't actually have depression, we're just lazy/undisciplined/etc. But FWIW, and I'm not an expert, you definitely sound depressed to me. (Personally I don't think I quite realized that I'd been depressed until I no longer was, and I was able to look back at it and go, oh yeah, duh, that would have been depression.) I guess I just want to second everyone's comments above that I really hope that you are able to get more help. I also second the idea that you're probably dealing with university crappiness. When I went to my grad U health center for allergies, the guy actively dissuaded me from getting tested to find out what specifically I was allergic to, something that's horrified all my subsequent allergists. If you can find a non-U clinic/doctor in your healthcare network, that might be worth trying. (Though I know nothing about your health insurance situation, of course.)
Maybe I should figure out where all those people who come here looking for puppets end up...
Shrinky, it's hard to tell if I trust the meds nurse or not, since I'm so very uncomfortable with the whole therapy process. I assume she knows what she's doing, but the fact that she initially prescribed me zoloft because I'd read a book about someone who took it, and keeps asking me what I want to try makes me wonder. She's probably just trying to be open to my input, I guess, but why would I have any better ideas than someone who's actually studied the field?
It looks like you've got a lot of good advice here. I agree. You need someone taking care of you who is able to do so. This is not a good way to live your life, and you deserve better. Can you afford to see someone outside the University system? It does not sound like they are able to help you.
And I know, you don't talk to them--but seriously, that should be a big red flag waving over your head, not an excuse for them to throw their hands up in in the air.
I was on effexor for a few years back in my really bad insomnia days, and I have a few other friends who have taken it or who are taking it and it's working for them. Many people find it addicting, so if you try it, don't go off cold turkey; and I found that the straight dose made me throw up, so if the extended release is available that's probably safer. But if you're looking for something to suggest to your meds person the next time you see her, and you haven't tried it yet .... I don't want to sound like I'm advertising it or something, but it's an option.
oops, New Kid, I swear your comment wasn't there last time I replied - I wasn't ignoring you! Your health center allergy guy does sound fairly horrifying. Unfortunately, I'm less comfortable with demanding better care or giving up and going elsewhere in this case because, at least with allergies, or with my asthma medication, it's clearer that there are ways to evaluate what the best treatment might be, whereas it doesn't seem like there is really a better option than trial and error with anti-depressants anyway. Or maybe it's just far enough outside my field that I don't feel like I have any right to judge what constitutes good care.
Andrea, I've been reading about different medications today and getting alarmed by the information on effexor so thanks for your perspective. It still doesn't seem like there's much reason to believe one medication would be more effective than another in any given case, so I'm not sure I'd feel right suggesting anything in particular, though.
Ok, I'm coming into this very late. I've been having a bout of this lack of motivation to do anything too over the past year. I came into my program bursting with energy, was very productive, and then boom, a wall. I haven't done anything truly impressive or productive in nearly a year.
I eventually began seeing a therapist and her advice, that may or may not be helpful to you was, 'it's ok to take a rest, you are doing the best you can'. This may be a little different perspective than does it really matter if you do any work. Of course it matters, but I think, and you may be doing it too, I get caught up in a circle of beating myself up that it makes me even less productive.
I agree it sounds like depression. But just keep thinking, you are doing the best you can right now. When you get up in the morning, no matter how many times you hit snooze, think I am doing the best I can right now instead of how you might be a slacker or whatever that thought process is you have right now. As they fix your meds, your best may improve, but in the meantime you are doing the best you can.
It doesn't seem like it should make a difference, but it often does--at least two of the people I know on effexor tried lots of other things that didn't work for them at all, but effexor did. Then again, no one really knows why meds work in the first place; so who knows?
Know that I am thinking of you, and please be kind to yourself. You deserve it.
I wish I could help, hon.
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