too mopey to think of a title
Why do I keep thinking this is the week I'll start improve? I'm not aiming particularly high; I'd just like to do some tiny bit of work, or manage to get to work before 11am, for example. Instead, as soon as I start to feel like I might have a chance at getting somewhere, I'll sink back to the same despairing state I thought I was climbing out of. I feel like I'm stuck on that same slippery slope from Sunday, except if I do just give up and slide all the way to the bottom, I won't just be able to walk back to where I want to go, I'll have to climb the whole damn hill.
I was stressed and slightly panicked about the talk on Tuesday, but at least the deadline made me do some work. Since then I've arrived at the lab after 12pm both days and spent almost all my time reading blogs. I skipped my Enriching Activity yesterday and piked on dinner plans tonight because I felt too hollow to face anyone. Staying home just means I don't have anything to distract me from wallowing, though.
I have to give my talk again tomorrow to a scarier audience, so I really should have used some of the last couple of days to read up on some of the bigger gaps in my knowledge, or at least looked over my slides again, instead of ignoring it completely. You'd think it would be easier to present the same talk a second time, but it's actually worse. I have a big problem with repeating myself, even in conversation (which is a pain for everyone because I'm fairly inaudible to begin with). I feel like I might get away with saying something once because people don't have time to notice everything that's wrong with what I'm saying, but with a second chance they'll spot the gaping holes. I wonder if my advisor is expecting me to have improved anything since Tuesday, since I had plenty of time to do it. Some of the other people from my lab are coming to this talk, too, even though they've just heard it. I guess they're trying to be supportive, so I can't exactly tell them not to come...
I think one thing that set off this round of self-pity is my advisor saying nice things after the talk on Tuesday. Again, you might think that would be encouraging, and it is good to know I'm at least somewhat successful at pretending to be normal, since that's my constant aim, but the fact that what other people see is so very far from what I experience also makes me feel more invisible and alone. Sometimes I wish someone would notice that behind the facade I'm a mess, but of course, as soon as anyone appears to even look a little closer, I plaster over the cracks and insist that I'm fine.
I'm drawn to fictional accounts of people letting down their defences, like when Camilla meets Mac in A Live Coal in the Sea, or the scene in Good Will Hunting where Robin William's character keeps repeating "it's not your fault" while Will keeps trying to shrug it off and say "I know" until he breaks down in tears, but nothing could be more panic-inducing in real life. Things seem a lot safer in imaginary worlds.
Oh, also, I think I mentioned a while ago that almost half my house never dates so I didn't feel like quite such a freak. Well, now I think it's just me. I keep alternating being happy for them, because they're all cute and giggly and it is very sweet, and just being sad.
And now that I've thoroughly depressed myself I think I'll go listen to some nice, cheering Cherubini Requiem and try to sleep. That stupid talk is at 9-frickin-am.
posted by Lucy @ 10:16 PM
18
comments
18 Comments:
Good luck at the talk! Let us know how it goes.
Also: I don't know if this will make watching Good Will Hunting better or worse, but all the shrinks of my acquaintance (and I know a few) say that scene is completely unrealistic. In other words, letting down your defenses once and crying in front of your therapist isn't going to radically change you. I realize there's still a difference between knowing that and being eager to do it, but from all I've heard therapy tends to be a long, slow process with a lot of ups and downs. In other words, you might be getting somewhere even when you don't feel like you're getting anywhere (or sliding downhill).
I don't mean this to come across as a mini-sermon, just saying that we're rooting for you. :)
thanks :) I know it's unrealistic, but that's pretty much the whole point of wishing one lived in a book/movie...
I tend to also get somewhat unhappy before giving talks, and then afterward I'm always glad I pushed myself to prepare for them and give them. Do you think you'll feel better afterwards, glad you accomplished this, etc.?
I'll probably feel better just because it's over. It doesn't seem like anything else is going to change, though. If I'd just quit moping and maybe do some work I'd probably feel better...
Thinking of you, Lucy. We're here for you if you need anything.
You are so, so rough on yourself!
Thanks, Phantom.
I did feel better once I got out of bed and the talk was fine (even though the scary professors were there, they weren't too mean).
I realised I do usually feel worse before things like exams and presentations because endless introspection is a great way to procrastinate... I can go back to using blogs for that now, at least.
How did it go?
Ooops. Simultaneous question-and-answer! Jinx!
:) I was about to say jinx, too
I totally understand the procrastination thing. I find every time my advisor says nice things to me, like that I'm on the right track, still in line to complete on time, or whatever, then I start doing the coming in at 11 o'clock and reading blogs all day thing too, until I feel like I'm so far behind again that I have to work 12 hour days again to catch up.
A couple of things that I've found work for me (sometimes) when I get stuck in this mode are the following:
(1) give myself at least two entirely guilt-free days off. If possible, go out of town. Or at least try to fill the days with activities (other than blog-surfing!)
(2) Read something that's only tangentially (sp?) connected with my topic, but that interests or excites me and might make me enthused about it all again.
(3) Set a self-imposed ban on web-surfing from my office. Force myself to sit in my office from 9-5 and not use the net for anything but the library catalogue and checking email (no clicking on links in email either). Every time I think "I've done some work, so I can reward myself with just five minutes surfing" or "I've got ten minutes before I have to go to X, so I can't get any work done anyway -- might as well surf", I physically leave my office. Go for a walk, get a drink, go to the library, etc. Or else I force myself to spend five minutes doing something necessary but mindless, like tidying my bibliography or looking up references. The flip-side of this strategy is that I allow myself to spend as much time surfing once I get home as I like, and don't try and do work in the evening.
(4) Make a list of small chunks of very specific tasks I need to do. Like, instead of putting down "write some more of chapter 4" (which totally induces fear and procrastination), I'll say "write one paragraph arguing that theory X does not fully account for phenomenon Y. Refer to work C".
or "Go back to section 2.3.1 and add in the information about Basque from your notes in file Z". I find I can force myself to sit down to these tasks more easily, and also if I have a list of them on my desk, I have somewhere to turn to when I complete somethng, rather than surfing for a few minutes while I decide what to do next.
(5) I also tell my office mate that I have a ban on surfing, and if she catches me, she should pull me up on it.
I don't know if any of these strategies would help you -- maybe you've already tried them. I found the total surfing ban at work thing really hard to implement at first, until I told myself I only had to do it for one week, and see how it felt then. I got so much done that week that I decided to continue with the experiment, which was successful for about two months, until I fell into the current vortex of despair and procrastination I am in right now. I'm going to do the two days off thing now, though, and maybe I can then get back into the no surfing thing.
And like Phantom Scribbler, I wish you didn't feel the need to be so hard on yourself. I get the impression you are hurting enough already without having to deal with the extra punishment you are meting out on yourself! My only suggestion for that is kind of frivolous. Seek out one or two of the students in your department who are REALLY doing badly --like the ones who haven't done any work on their dissertation in two years, the ones who have thrown up in front of everyone when they had to give a talk, or those who can't construct a sentence to save themselves. You might find that gives you a better perspective on your own issues! (And you should probably believe your advisor when s/he says nice things. Advisors are likely to have a more objective perspective than the student ever can from the inside).
Oh god, I've just read back through this comment and not only is it incredibly long, but it comes across like a lecturing parent. But I think I'll post it anyway in the hope you can glean one or two useful things from it anyway. Sorry about the tone!
StyleyGeek, thanks! Don't worry, long is never a problem and your comment does contain lots of good (non-parental sounding) advice. I don't usually work on weekends/evenings (I don't usually work at all, lately...) but it would be more helpful to use the breaks as actual breaks, rather than whining and blog-reading. I also set up a new profile on my computer for use at work that didn't have any of my bookmarks or bloglines subscriptions, but I haven't actually been using it. I did find (for the couple of days I managed to stick to it) that even just deactivating the bloglines notifier made me get more done, so I should definitely try no internet at all.
#4 is pretty much the whole idea behind the Getting Things Done system I've been half-heartedly trying to implement. I've been ignoring the review part, though, so I need to go through and figure out what all the specific tasks I have to do next are.
The one thing I don't think I can do is find someone who's doing worse than me... Everyone else I know is (or at least appears to be) much more productive and articulate than me, so comparing myself to others never works out so well. (This is when I wish I was back in my little pond at home where I could at least see I wasn't the smallest fish)
I know, in theory, that I probably shouldn't be so hard on myself, but it does feel deserved...
Anyway, thanks for all the advice! Enjoy your days off and I hope you're able to get back into the swing of things, too.
Oh pigpuppet -- can I relate. It is hard for me to get mself to do anything except what really needs to be done (like grading). So, I really get how hard it is to get yourself to do things.
I also get the stuff about dating and feeling odd (right word?) for not doing it.
Have you ever read the book _Juniper tree burning_? It's a really good book about defenses. I also love _Like being killed_, but it is a disturbing book.
I (finally) completely empathize about the issue of putting up defenses when people see the cracks in the facade.
glad the talk went well!
thanks, Kermit :)
I'm sorry you can empathise, Shrinky, but it does help to know I'm not the only one. Thanks for the book recommendations, too; I've put them on hold at the library.
I'm glad to hear the talk went well and that the professors weren't that mean, but I'm sorry about the larger struggle.
I'm going to throw this out there in case it is of any help at all. And it might not be.
I had an eating disorder for many years. I would eat food until my stomach physically hurt and I felt nauseous. And I absolutely hated myself. I'm diabetic, and it felt like I was committing suicide. Like I just had so self-control and I wasn't going to get better. And every time I would beat myself up about it, just flog myself, and vow that, "that's it! Tomorrow, I'm not eating more than 800 calories, and I'm going to go for a run! And I'll test my sugars at least eight times and I won't eat any junk food and it's going to be better!"
Of course, it wasn't. And when I failed it just gave me a new reason to beat myself up, and because I hadn't done everything on my list, I figured there wasn't much point in doing anything on my list, so I binged again. Cue beginning of cycle.
One of the things I learned when I finally dragged myself in for treatment is that the self-flogging is entirely counter-productive. That even if I decided I really wanted or needed to lose weight (and I didn't, my fatness was all in my head), it would never work if I talked to myself like that. That people who did lose weight were good to themselves, celebrated the smallest of successes, and treated their project as something they had years or decades to complete. And it really, really helped.
Once I stopped trying to lose weight, and once I worked on accepting the bingeing, it went away. I haven't binged since. That horribly harshly critical internal voice was what was keeping me back. Mind you that wasn't a quick thing, and while I was able to implement it with great success in my dietary/eating habits it has been quite a bit harder in other areas, but still.
You know what else, when I gave up the dieting, and the self-flogging over weight and food, and the bingeing stopped--I didn't gain even two pounds. The cycle of self-destruction and the downward slope I was sure would follow if I gave myself permission not to attack myself for every transgression, just never happened. It was quite the opposite.
I bring this up because sometimes I hear that same voice in your posts.
thanks Jeremy. I should've said nobody was mean at all, actually; it was all in my head, as usual.
Andrea, considering pretty much all I've eaten today is ice cream and cadbury creme eggs, I can relate more specifically than perhaps you meant. I've been trying not to expect that I'll change a whole list of things at once, but I'm still having trouble changing even one thing and I haven't done anything about the self-flogging.
I don't know that I'm worried about going downhill if I didn't keep attacking myself; maybe I'm worried things might improve too much and I'd start getting uppity ideas about my standing in relation to other people...
You so deserve to be uppity!
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