you think you're so funny, don't you, universe
I left the lab early enough again that I couldn't go straight home and I didn't eat enough junk last night to satisfy my self-destructive urges, so I went to get another doughnut. I was looking at the flowers in the supermarket, wondering if some daffodils would cheer me up when I heard someone call my name. As I turned around, I was dreading have to act happy and normal and actually talk to anyone. Of course, it wasn't just anyone; it was the person I could cope least with seeing. The person who is the reason I'm here in the US, who I haven't seen or spoken to in 2 years.
I froze and just stared at him in silence for a while. I had no clue how to react or what to say. Eventually he chose to go with polite small talk and we managed to haltingly recount the (very few) changes in our lives in the past 2 years until, luckily, he gave in to the overbearing silence and said he should get going. Unfortunately, not before suggesting we should get together sometime, because apparently 10 minutes of awkward conversation wasn't enough.
Trying to look on the bright side: at least he already knows I'm a freak so I didn't have to pretend to be able to talk. And he didn't seem miserable enough for me to have ruined his life completely. And I got a hug.
The bad: now I'm going to be back to looking over my shoulder all the time, in case I run into him again, and worrying he'll email me and want to meet up and feeling guilty about hurting his feelings by not wanting to (on top of the guilt I already feel about why I haven't seen him in 2 years). Plus, the hug just made my craving for one even stronger and served to taunt me with what I'm missing.
There have been a lot of things going on lately that have made me think of him and the whole shameful story of why I'm here and I couldn't quite believe my two year run of avoiding him could hold forever, so I've been half expecting to run into him at some point. This was certainly a great day for it...
posted by Lucy @ 9:07 PM
10
comments
10 Comments:
Yikes! What a hard encounter that must have been, especially when you were completely unprepared for it.
Sucky. Things like that shouldn't be allowed to happen.
I heartily endorse daffodils as cheerer-uppers. And tulips. A big vaseful of each on to come home to on a bad day can make the world seem a little less horrible.
oh, Lucy... I didn't know that you had this backstory. I'm sorry. Those sorts of encounters are always hard.
I am completely PRO the fresh flowers thing. I have been buying them for myself off and on for the past couple of months, and they really do cheer me up. They're just a few dollars, really. Just buy whatever flowers are on sale, one bundle a week! The colors are always helpful for me to see.
I just bought my first flowers of the season--daffodils (or rather buds)--and they have added cheer to the home front big time. My daughter keeps checking every 10 minutes to see if they've "opened" yet, and, even though it's SNOWING outside right now, I'm reminded that spring is around the corner, and spring means rebirth, and fresh starts, and all that good, uplifting stuff.
Sorry you had to endure such an awkward encounter while already feeling in the dumps--what terrible timing! Hugs to you, Lucy.
Oh, Lucy. That is the Supreme Suckiness. I'm so sorry. Wishing you hugs and daffofils and a few moments of inner peace.
I've started telling the backstory to this a number of times, but I've chickened out each time.
What sucks most is that he is perhaps the only person in the world with whom I could have burst into tears and said how miserable I feel and got all the hugs and sympathy I could want, without feeling judged or embarrassed. Except that, since I want those things, but not from him, I can't accept them without the cost to at least one of us being too high.
I didn't end up getting any flowers because when I bought some daffodils a couple of weeks ago, they were cheery for a couple of days, but then I couldn't remember to change their water and they died and sat there looking depressing until I got around to throwing them out...
I'm intrigued about the backstory, but I understand if you don't want to share... (but I want to know! okay, I have to stop being nosy.)
definitely throw out the flowers before they're all dead... that's sadder than no flowers at all. I get that.
B*, I'll tell the story sometime...
Wolfangel, the problem with cookies is I'd probably eat them too quickly to get much aesthetic enjoyment of them. Fake flowers might work. Or maybe I should get a plant so it can keep growing, although then I'd have to remember to water it.
Lucy, go get yourself some potted daffodils...I mean it! :)
Sorry this happened to you. Although I do not know the story about this person, I can only assume that it must have put a spin on your emotions that day.
*HUGS*
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