giving and receiving
Yesterday I went for a walk and sat outside reading for a while. When I walked back home in the evening, I felt more at peace than I have for a long time, but I still didn't want to talk to anybody.
I ended up calling my mum to wish her happy Easter, though, which made me feel worse. She woke me up last Sunday morning to tell me she was selling the house and moving and now she's already had a garage sale to get rid of a lot of stuff and had a couple of open houses. I don't think I mind that she's moving, but I'm worried about my stuff that's stored in my old room. I don't want anyone going through it all or throwing anything out.
She tried to talk about what medication I'm on (apparently ritalin's for ADD - who knew? I should try the one she's taking, it works really well) and therapy. She wanted to know if the therapist thought I was depressed because of being far from home. I said no, and then felt bad... She said I should tell some of my "good friends" here how I'm feeling.
She also mentioned something my dad supposedly talked to my brothers and I about while we were visiting him, only it turns out he took them aside to tell them, but not me, even though it affects me just as much.
Today, some of my housemates are having an Easter dinner. I thought I'd said I'd be there earlier, but I got an email on Thursday asking if I was going to join them and I never felt sociable enough to deal with replying, even. I can hear them preparing food in the kitchen already. Everyone is making something to share, but I never do at these things. I usually just help people stir and chop. I'd like to be able to contribute, but I never know what to make/bring that would be appropriate, and even if I did, I'd be too worried about it not turning out or people not liking it. If someone told me what to make, I could do it, but everyone has their favourite things they want to make and I have no opinion so I just hang back, not wanting to interfere, until there's nothing left for me to do and then I feel selfish and lazy.
It's a housemate's birthday soon too, so there's been discussion by email of what to get as a present. Again, other people have lots of good ideas and I have no opinion so I haven't been participating. Of course, now they probably just think I hate them all and don't care, but somehow it seems worse to try to force my (non-existent) opinion on them by contributing. Them thinking I'm horrible is just the punishment for something... not being generous and interested enough to be able to suggest something good? I could just reply to their emails saying "sounds good" but that seems pointless, like I'm just trying to pretend so they won't think I don't care.
What makes it worse is that my birthday is coming up, too. I'm no better at receiving than I am at giving, for similarly convoluted, irrational reasons, on top of the guilt about not deserving anything since I don't do anything for anyone else. I'm supposed to do something to celebrate, so that when my family asks what I'm doing, they don't have to feel bad for me being so far away, and so I don't look like a complete loser with no friends. It just feels like another source of stress and guilt, though.
I guess I should stop hiding in my room and at least go and help... I wish I hadn't said yes when someone else offered to feed my cells so I didn't have to go into lab today; that would've been a handy excuse.
update: I did make it out of my room and into the kitchen briefly, but everyone was busy cooking and chatting and I just stood there awkwardly for a while feeling guilty about not doing or saying anything and then I couldn't stand it any longer and snuck back here again. Now I don't know what to do.
posted by Lucy @ 10:46 AM
3
comments
3 Comments:
Hi Lucy! I'm so sorry you're feeling like this today. I can only imagine once you get into your room you must feel trapped. And then hearing everyone else just go on probably makes you feel worse. That definitely sucks. If you want to, it would be fine to go back out and just say you've been busy (don't even have to say why) and then just offer to help do something. I bet they'd let you join in.
It's ok that it's a lie and it's even ok if they know it. I'll bet they can tell you don't feel too great but they probably don't know what to do about it. They probaly feel like they have tried to open themselves up to you but haven't been able to reach you. So they are likely just going on about their thing and letting you decide how much or when you want to participate.
As hard as it is for you to say "can I help you with that?" it's equally hard for people who care about you to wait for you to say it. They could be worried that they should say something but not know the right thing to say.
All this is not to make you feel bad because you might be making your housemates uncomfortable (although you seem worried about that already). Rather, I wanted to remind you that they are probably thinking more about themselves and their own feelings than worrying about why you are or are not around. People are just like that, you know?
So just do what you need/want to do. Socializing is good, so you should absolutely do it when you can. And just try not to feel so self-conscious about your comings and goings or your participations. I doubt anyone is analyzing them as carefully as you are. This is hardest lesson I learned from my depression - other people couldn't see the things I saw about myself. They didn't know how crappy I felt or how much I hated myself or even that I wasn't working at all. They just never noticed. Sometimes this sucked (like when I wanted everyone to know I was NOT happy) but on an occasion like this, it can be a blessing.
And, it's ok not to have an opinion (on the birthday gift) and it's ok to not know what to make for the holiday dinner. Just tell someone you want to join in and ask to be given something to do. If nothing else, it will eat up a few hours of your life that you'd otherwise be spending worrying or brooding. At least that's how it worked for me.
Good luck...
ps: One side affect of depression is inablity to focus. I wonder if your therapist thought the Ritalin would "calm down your mind" and allow you to talk with her in sessions? Just a thought. And I still think a) once a month is entirely to infrequently to meet and b) if you brought her your blog entries in some format that might help jumpstart things. I know you're worried/embarrased that you are clear about your feelings in this format and not in front of her, but she won't judge you for that. Her job is to help you get better and she needs to understand you in order to do that. I'm sorry this is so hard.
I keep hoping that I'll have something useful to say, and finding that I don't. But SP is useful enough for all of us, I think.
Hugs to you, Lucy. I hope today was a little better.
I'm a horrible gift giver, and always have the WORST time finding gift ideas, even for people really close to me. I wish I could say that I feel perfectly ok with it, but like you, it bothers me a lot to have no ideas and feel selfish and uncaring. Sigh... hope your week goes better at least.
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