lucy, the evil, heartless bitch: current edition
I finally started telling this story because S emailed me, wanting to meet up, back in June. I didn't reply until yesterday... For some reason, yesterday I felt up to dealing with a bunch of the emails I'd been ignoring for months. As I started trying to write a grovelling, apologetic reply, though, I was getting bogged down in guilt and wanting more and more just to ignore it again, so I ended up deleting what I'd written and basically saying "I'm sorry; I can't". I still felt guilty about it, but at least I managed to send something.
I just got another email back from him that I could hardly bring myself to read. Apparently he's seen me around a few times since his previous email, but didn't say anything. I didn't ever notice him; I'm not sure what I would've done if I had. The email is pretty long, because he wanted to tell me some stuff, before giving up on trying to be friends with me.
He thinks he did something wrong to make me not want to see him again. He didn't do anything, though (well, he did some stuff I didn't like, but that wasn't what made me not be interested). The only explanation I have is that I never really felt the same way about him that he did about me and I just spent all that time trying to convince myself I did. I don't want to tell him that, though, and ruin the "good" part as well... Especially since he also says that he's still glad for that time, when he was happy. He said he can't believe what I say, anyway, since I "just say whatever's easiest". I guess that's fair enough, although my intention was always to say whatever was least hurtful...
The worst part of the email is that he says he'll always care about me and be there for me if I need him. Why can't he just hate me so that I don't have to feel so guilty about not wanting to see him? He thinks I hate him, but I don't. I would be very happy if he found someone else and had other friends, because then I wouldn't have to feel guilty either.
Should I be willing to still see him occasionally? I tried for a while, but it was just so uncomfortable. I don't know if my feeling guilty made it impossible to talk to him, or if we really had nothing to say to each other. I guess we didn't have much to say when we first met, anyway, although I was already feeling guilty then.
I feel guilty for not liking him back, for having led him on the whole time when I wasn't sure of how I felt, for not telling him I didn't like him like that sooner, for telling him at all and making him miserable, for not telling him the things I didn't like so that he wouldn't make a bad impression on anyone else, and most of all, for being ashamed of ever having liked him and of being seen with him... See? Evil.
Updated to add: I thought of something else to feel guilty about: thinking I'm better than him. I never really felt too guilty when other people asked me out and I turned them down, because it was only me they were missing out on, which isn't much, and they'd have better options. But turning down S seems worse, because he was more socially awkward than me and it's conceivable that he won't find someone else. The fact that that's so patronising is another reason to feel guilty, too...
posted by Lucy @ 11:27 PM
13
comments
13 Comments:
wait! I'm missing data here to help her truly determine the evilness quotient. What happened in between the last post and yesterday????
I know... I wish I'd already finished the story, but this just happened and I had to blog about it. I'll get to it!
Even without the missing link, it is crystal clear that you are not the only one with issues in this relationship. Namely, it's not your fault that S has no current girlfriend or other people to hang out with, and is therefore resorting to guilt-tripping you into hanging out with him. Or that he is in denial about the fact that you mean what you say when you write that you can't see him.
A completely non-evil, socially acceptable way to respond would be an email only slightly longer than your original one: "You didn't do anything wrong, but I can't be friends with you." The healthy thing for him might just be to get a reply like that, so that he's forced to move on.
The fact that you feel guilty about him being unhappy shows you aren't evil or heartless.
And I think that you should either not reply to this mail, or follow kermitthefrog's advice.
He has to get over you and move on, and that's not likely to happen if you try and make him happy in the short term.
I think you should not see him or try to be friends for him. Obviously it's harmful to you, and it will also prevent him from moving on. I have been in a similar position in the past, and one thing I learned is that trying to "be nice" to spare his feelings won't help - they cling, they get a glimmer of hope... Someday he'll find a way to be happy. That fact that he isn't happy right now is NOT your fault.
I think it's fine that you don't want him in your life any longer. It didn't work out for the two of you, and that's fine. He needs to leave you alone! I think you're setting a clear boundary and he's violating it.
Yeah, ditto to everyone else. He has to accept that you're not interested, and you have to accept it's not your fault you're not interested. (Like how I dictate to you? as if I know what's best for you, or something?) I like kermitthefrog's idea, in particular.
I went back & read the initial entries, even going to the person you linked to. I don't think you're remotely like the person who broke the other blogger's heart. You tried a relationship in good faith; the fact it didn't work out isn't an indication you're evil.
What they all said. Not evil or heartless. Guilt is not a good basis for a relationship, and thank goodness you had enough sense to realize it! If he doesn't, that's not your fault.
Yeah, what everyone else said. You shouldn't feel at all obligated to stay friends with him/spend time with him, and that's not being a bitch; like others have said, it's thoughtful and in the long run much better for him than the alternative. Still no evidence of evil provided! ;-)
Nope. Still not evil (despite the laser beam eyes). In fact, I think you're the opposite of heartless (heartful? maybe thoughtful is what I want here?). At the time, you were confused about your feelings for him. You eventually realized you didn't feel for him what you (and he) wanted to. But you're right, you can't just tell someone that you never cared for them (especially because that is an oversimplification). You don't owe him any explanations, but if you feel you must, then there are kinder ways of letting someone down.
I think you definitely need to stop interacting with him though. You won't be able to start being kind to yourself about this until then.
I'm late to this, so I just want to echo what everyone else here is saying: not evil, and it's so, so okay to not want to hang out. The situation might be unfortunate, but it's Not. Your. Fault!
This email was a big, last goodbye thing, so I don't think he's still trying to get me to see him again. I still feel guilty, even if I'm not going to do anything about it.
Thanks for your supportive comments, anyway. I feel kind of guilty that you're only hearing my point of view, and therefore have to take my side, but I do appreciate your perspectives.
Well, but... we're your friends (if you don't mind me just taking that title), and we're only *supposed* to hear your side. We're here to help you, not him, and remind you that, even if this was a mis-step on your part (which isn't what I'm saying, mind you), it does not, in fact, make you evil
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